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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
Ps. I was just re-reading our adventures of yesterday and giggling at the photos and it occurred to me...did your LF know I was there and if so, did they ask why there was a tiny turtle hanging out with them?
In response to: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Hey @CheerBear I know your in a world of pain right now and feel like your failing Lf. I know me pleading with you to let this part go won't help and I still hold onto it too. Lf will learn so much about strength and resilience and kindness to themselves through your admission. I've created havoc for my big fishes over time. They were mostly medium fishes and one Lf when it all began. I was still humiliated when my therapist rand my son for the first time and asked him to take me straight to hospital on Wednesday and to watch me like a hawk. It was exactly what no mother wants.....her child to have to be the parent. But if you ask him he much prefers it this way than what's happened in the past. He much prefers me looking after myself and staying safe. He much prefers me coming home from hospital a little bit calmer and not so sad. All of my boys do and they are so much more compassionate for their experiences with my mental health. I would like to throw it to you that if you threw any of your friends in your exact position how would they be coping. You are human doing the best you can, and for now that is putting the oxygen mask on you so you can put one on your kids again. Go kindly on you @CheerBear. You deserve and need this break and Lf will be a bit sad but fine. You are doing everything exactly right.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
What I've just had to do felt like creating a massive whirlpool in an already very rocky ocean, then grabbing that which matters most in the world to me, throwing it in and watching it flap about trying to get back to the surface. I could do nothing more than sit back watching, offering as many lifejackets as I could and hoping that they'd be taken. Everyone is back to the surface now and ok and that's all that matters now. The fish are aware I am taking some 'me' time because I need to recharge, but they're unaware of what/where/how etc and that is how it will remain. They know I won't be far away and will still be able to speak to them 324 billion times a day if they want. The others in my ocean still have a very sugar coated version of the muddle and I realise that this very refined and well practiced sugar coating/im ok thing I do is a huge part of why no-one understands the muddle and therefore can unintentionally make it harder sometimes. I'll work on this during the break because right now I'm functioning on very little thinking brain.
I'm back with my blanket and my cats on my own now. Logistically this is the best way so I can get everything done I need to. Emotionally I know I am very vulnerable like this but I know I will also hold tight and get through. I will see the lf again tomorrow before heading for time out and I will know they're being loved on and looked after and for that I am so thankful.
@Phoenix_Rising, @Former-Member, @outlander and @Pepsimax - your messages were like oxygen tanks floating around me while I sank once again. I so appreciate you all stepping in, especially because I know you're all not exactly sunbaking on calm still beaches at the moment yourselves.
@Former-Member - your ability to see and get this part of the struggle and your reminder that putting on my oxygen mask is the best thing I can do now helped hugely. I love that photo too thank you. I also meant to say a proper huge thank you for the CB pic you posted on the celebration thread. You posted two and I loved them both. I noticed the crochet and the colours in the crochet and that's exactly the type of crochet I love and look at all the time. You had bright lime green writing as well and I noticed that and loved it too. You are incredibly kind and thoughtful thank you. I so hope you're doing ok wherever you are.
@Phoenix_Rising - you know how much your words mean to me. I think of you often while I am stuck in my whirlpools or curled in my blanket. I had just picked up a new bright pink notebook to start listing when I read your message. Listing helps me organise in the middle of total chaos and is one of my absolute go-to's when I spiral round and round. Once I can settle enough to remove myself from this blanket I will begin my list, look at it, feel overwhelmed and then be ok enough to start ticking things off. Planning for a breakdown is incredibly taxing but kind of funny 😛 I love the idea of you finding a tiny cheerbear. I hide tiny turtle. It's like a secret weapon. The only time a fish caught me out yesterday was the milo pic and they only noticed the milo because they wanted some. I am so here even when I am not here with you. I know tomorrow we will both wake having done massively hard weekends, both feeling damage from them and both shakily working out what's next. I am super thankful to have a not-friend like you.
I'm going to sit quietly here until I can get up again and get started. My brain can't work out how many hours I have to get through now but I know it isn't too many.
In response to: I'm in a nest
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ Keep swimming and breathing the best you can 💪❣❣
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Shaz51Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
sitting with you @CheerBear xx
Did you know there is 12 parts of the heart @outlander told me xx
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thank you @Shaz51💗 Hope you're feeling better soon. No I didn't know that about the heart. Outlander is a clever little cookie 🙂
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Shaz51Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I know @CheerBear xx, would you like a cup of tea with me
it has been raining here all day , and i think i am stuck to the chair in front of the computer
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I would love a cup of tea with you @Shaz51. Thank you 🙂
Sorry to hear you're stuck to your chair! I'm trying to unstick myself from the floor at the moment. It's funny weather here - sun and rain. Right now there's some sunshine poking through dark grey clouds. I'm hoping for lots of rain over the next while so the garden stays watered.
How's Mr Shaz going today?
In response to: I'm in a nest
PepsimaxSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear I've been thinking of you lots even though I don't post sometimes I read. @outlander@Shaz51 just saying hi to you both
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Shaz51Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Mr Shaz is on his computer looking at all the funny clips from around the world @CheerBear, some are sooo funny
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