FORUMS

Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

  • 47,612Members
  • 1,358,869Posts
  • 1,400,000Visitors
Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

431 - 440 of 5,090

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear, Thanks for letting me snuggle in your pocket - even when I make it all wet and soggy from my oh-so-water-logged shell. I don't plan to be on the forums too much over the weekend. As super wonderful as they are, other things like playing my violin or sitting in my garden listening to the birds are also super important in helping me ride the wave.

I have read through your updates re. the assessment but my brain is fuzzy right now. You are definitely going to the resting place, is that right (even though silly catt couldn't even understand that you had had the assessment!!!!)? And you are feeling positive about how good this place is and the plans around it (it was just stupid catt who derailed the positive stuff)??? When are you going? Actually...when are "we" going. I think I could definitely benefit from this safe resting place right now.

Despite my gigantic storm, I just had a little giggle to myself. I am pretty sure I am functioning on about one-eigth of my brain capacity at the moment, and from what you've been saying over the past couple of weeks, I think maybe you also are functioning at about one-eighth of your regular brain capacity. So...between us, we have a quarter of a brain...and yet still we can see the huge flaws and absurdities in the way mental health workers are dealing with our respective muddles. Yep, I'm going to remind myself of that a LOT over this very VERY challenging weekend.

Thank you for being my not friend and for being there even when you are not there. I'm sure Schrodinger's cat was lovely...but I bet secretly he really wished he had a carebear.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising - we are going on Tuesday morning and we're feeling super hopeful that it's going to be worth it. Even though it feels really hard sometimes to trust that diving into more mh services is right, we have a really deep down feeling we can always trust that tells us what is right. This most definitely is the right thing to do.

I know that you will do what you need to do this weekend, as I will too. I'll know that whatever these things might be, they will be right for us. I had a giggle too hearing you say how our eighth brains alone and quarter of a brain combined can definitely think clearly enough to see the flaws. I am sure that, despite functioning at lower levels than ideal, these brains can definitely get us through this weekend.

I will be working through the whirlpools that stand between now and 3 days from now so I'm not sure how much I'll be here, here as well. I am sure though, that I am thankful we're able to be here but not, together alone, in the nest in the ocean, as not-friends.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I am still here but not here, together with you while alone, in the nest, yet in the ocean, and so very glad that you are my not friend. Today is nearly done. I will see A at 8am on Monday and "we" go to the resting place on Tuesday. Nothing feels good right now but we've got this. If we can survive our muddles with a quarter of a brain between us, the world sure as hell better watch out once our brains are better!!! ☺

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you for letting me know you are still here but not here @Phoenix_Rising. @I spent the day with tiny turtle today. I took photos to show you what 'we' got up to today. I'm still trying to convince everyone that I'm completely sane, so this was as much fun as the supermarket trip I had 🙂
Today we went out with some little fish and made friends with a llama. We also found some enormous ancestors in a book that looked like they were chasing us. While we were reading we came across a book that we were really moved by, having a half laugh/half sort of teary because it was about friendship and life and how it can be kind of sad and cruel sometimes. Our outing left us really tired as many trips into the big ocean do, so when we got home we spent some time in the garden. We picked lemons and chillis and felt excited about some seeds that are going to become beautiful flowers one day soon. Then we had to go for a long drive so we listened to the best album of all time. Where we drive we go as close to the 'place that was' as we can, and there's lots of heart hurting memories on the drive so it was nice to have company today. We sat for a while and listened to more music, sharing headphones. Music is a constant in our life, it's something that is always there and can never be taken. It was nice. We've recently dug into some milo which is something that can't be in the house (because I have little self control when it comes to milo) so we leave it as a treat for when we go where we are tonight.
Tonight I'm feeling a bit off but I know it will be ok soon. One more day until A and 2 more days until the break now.
Look out world. We are coming 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I can't sleep. I forgot my medication and I'm paying hugely for that now. I have no pink blanket, no cat to cuddle, no crochet to sit with and no warm bath I can get in to unwind. I do have the face of the littlest fish next to me though, but all I can see is the pain I am about to cause by telling them that I am going away for a while. I know that getting this support will cause short term pain, and that not getting it may end up causing a lifetime of pain but I don't want to cause any pain to them. They've been through enough without me adding to it. I feel like I have failed. I know accepting support is not failing, but the very fact that I need support because I feel like I can't cope with life anymore, feels like I've failed them when they are my life. I wish I could have been able to do this without breaking 😞

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear ❤ ❤ ❤

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I want to run away. I don't get how it can be so hard to realise that perhaps maybe an admission means I'm in a world of trouble and maybe right now I really really need to be able to just get through the next two days so I can get some space to try and get myself out of trouble. I can not cope anymore with to work everything out. I need to be able to put my hands in the air, say I give up now and leave. I know I can't do that but I so badly need to because there's only do so much my melted brain can tolerate now and working this all out is beyond me. No-one can fix this and there's nothing to say that will help me get through it. I realise that this all comes down to me now and I am suffocating under the pressure of it all.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I understand and hearing you @CheerBear ❤

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear love to you only 2 more days keep plugging away Pepsimax

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I am here while not here @CheerBear. I super super SUPER love the pictures of what "we" did yesterday. I can only imagine how hard it will be telling LF you need to go away for a little while even though as you said, this is short term pain for super beneficial long term gain. Do you have a list of all the baby steps you need to take to get to the resting place? If you don't, perhaps step one might be writing a list. Naturally I will be there doing each step with you...and I would love more photos of me being there at each step. I am definitely going to need to find myself a tiny cheerbear!
431 - 440 of 5,090