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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
@CheerBear I am completely flooded. I am utterly lost and hopeless. My shell has been shattered by this latest saga. I want to die. I want to suicide tonight. But I will not because it is a wave and it will pass. I am out in the ocean tonight in my shattered shell. I am lost tonight and utterly utterly broken. But I will survive, just a little more broken and a little more hopeless. There is nothing to say and nothing to do. That which had given me a spark of hope has gone. (A) has once again shown remarkable incompetence despite being so caring. Care isn't enough. The fact that she cares doesn't reduce the negative impact of her poor judgement. I won't die tonight, but right now I don't know how to go on living either. Night. 😢😢😢😢😢
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Stay with us @Phoenix_Rising. You're not alone. I don't know why she did that either, it seems unthinkable. I would be shattered by that experience too. I am clueless as to why she thought it a good idea, any part of that email really.
I just wanted you to know I get it and it's not fair. You didn't deserve this.
here with you,
💜💐
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
please don't disappear tonight @Phoenix_Rising
the waves are awful, here with you
lj
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @Phoenix_Rising
I just read your previous posts about your distress at your neuropsychologist's behaviour and I gather she has closed her work with you rather abruptly ("dumped me").
I'm sorry to hear that this has plunged you into despair and feeling lost and broken. I understand how you feel, and just wanted to let you know that I am the overnight moderator and here if you need to chat. I'll also email so we have a link there.
Try to get some sleep, things may look a bit different tomorrow. Take care of yourself.
kind regards,
Frog
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Phoenix_Rising - I hear you and I feel so sad and so angry about what has happened. I can see how much you are hurting right now and how not ok it is. I know that it's not right when helping people cause harm. I have no idea what A was thinking and can not understand how she thought any of what happened could possibly have been ok. I am so sorry you're feeling so hopeless. I would be too if that happened.
I hear you phoenix_rising. I see you in pain and see you feeling hopeless and I know that all I can do is stand alongside you, feel hope for you and let you know that I am here with you.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I get it @Phoenix_Rising and there are others here who do too. I know that there are far too many services and people working within services and broken systems that add layers of trauma to trauma. I want to believe that they often don't mean to, but I know that when I am feeling so beaten up it is doesn't matter whether it was intentional or not, it matters only that it happened and that I am left dealing with it. I get how it can feel to feel so broken, and how scary it can be to left alone after being shaken and how shattering it can be to not have hope that the 'appropriate support services', will do anything other than cause further harm.
I know that mega waves happening are so hard to manage. I know that mega waves happening on Friday afternoons can make a weekend feel like a year. I will hold this tiny turtle again, just as tightly as I have since I made it. I will be here, even when I am not here, this weekend.
In response to: I'm in a nest
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear@Phoenix_Rising@Former-Member ❤ ❤ ❤
In response to: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Yep, I think I do need you to hold the tiny turtle super tight this weekend @CheerBear. I think you have joined Lunar on my list of safe touching people. Thank you for "getting" it. A kept saying during the call that she didn't mean to hurt me and she simply could not hear that intent is irrelevant to the intense pain and distress caused. My brain has been further fried. That is the outcome. Intent is irrelevant. Hearing you describe how much you get that, super super super helps.
In response to: I'm in a nest
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Phoenix_Rising hope today's a better day for you 💕💕
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
There are so many things I could say about it all, but those things are maybe best left until this wave has passed. For now I will listen if you want to talk, and sit quietly alongside you if you want to sit quietly.
I will find comfort in knowing there will be a tiny turtle in my pocket this weekend who gets it. I hope you find some comfort in knowing there's a pocket to sit in this weekend that is on someone who gets it too @Phoenix_Rising.
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