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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear

definitely seeing others survive is really helpful. One thing i thought i might say is that even though having the paper go has been really scary, I also do think that because I stood up and said no more, and he had to face some consequences of what he did, though that didnt end up meaning much and so complicated but i followed the process through and did what i could... that he is maybe a bit scared to do any of the ... really bad stuff... that could get him into trouble again. I think he knows that he has to be very careful now not to look bad again (which always was extremely important to him). So i'm hoping that for you there will be similar reasons for someone to be very careful and not go to far. I'm also still careful about many things and security. I also have contingency plans in my head, if this happens i will do ... if its here I can do .. if its there i can... which in some way helps me feel prepared...

But there are many other ways he makes life... difficult and uncomfortable still in different ways that i have much less control over when and how, through family court and parenting, which is where my confusion comes from about whether it would just have been better to stay. Sometimes i 'know' though, that i had no other choices to make than leave or it would have been worse for my two kidlets in the end but like you, we also lost a home, community and I lost the extended family that i loved so much... the first 'safe' family that i'd had, who then abandoned me for him (of course and understandable in a way that they would 'pick him' given he was their son, nephew etc...).

Hope your day is ok, we are having a very quiet day as its been pouring with rain. But that's ok with me today! take care

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I can relate to so much of what you have said from an alternate perspective @Former-Member ...... I think our “triggered” personality has similarities with the one you are dealing with, but there is now an internal conflict of interest going on since the mh team set boundaries ...... effective those boundaries ought to apply over the entire extended family, and I think he has worked that much out ...... there has also been mention of a personality type extending across the entire extended family. Hard to ignore.

Meeting coming up with pdoc before we leave ...... 😠 ..... don’t want to attend !

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Yes @Faith-and-Hope i have thought that there are similarities as well. I'm not sure if you are meaning that boundaries have been put in place by the treating team or that hes recognising areas of his behaviour that do make him look less than stellar?
I dont blame you for not wanting to attend pdoc... it seems there is still so much that they dont get or understand with your situation 😞 hugs

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Pdoc set boundaries that took the then-behaviours out of dv zone, which they had entered. Behaviours were emulating extended family behaviours, but seeing that the mr. is overwriting our history by degrees, I think it registers in the moment, then progressively gets altered, and a new reality is presented as “the way it’s always been”
.... cough, cho-ke ......

The whole family, as in all our kids, haven’t been interviewed yet ..... and seeing as half of us are now moving interstate, that likelihood is diminishing further ....... so the pdoc’s picture is nowhere near as complete as he thinks anyway .....,, and if the kids are interviewed in the company of mr. and they are dependent on our ongoing support, how is there any integrity in that ?? How can they speak out ?

Not going to worry about any of that at the moment ...... the dv behaviours have been curbed, the e.d. behaviours are being ignored as his problem now .... we will be under continued investigation over there ..... I can see that D3 is sinking rapidly again in the last few days ...... so the truth will eventually surface. I am going to focus on self-care for me, and the kids as far as possible ..... and wait for whatever drama is next to unfold.

It’s feeling like a new calm before a new storm.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I hope that things will start getting sorted for you @Faith-and-Hope.
With a new MH team in the east, maybe someone will have new clarity.
Or am I being too optimistic?
😔

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I remain optimistic @Catcakes and I hope that is true ..... that perhaps there is a different outlook to issues like this in a different state, and this is reflected in their review of our situation. Hoping for a new pdoc for S2 that I can find a comfort level and sense of trust with.

I am grateful for the difference this pdoc has made, but not respectful at all of his treatment of me and our overall situation.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Afternoon nest ☺

Hi @Phoenix_Rising - it's very cool to see you on the weekend! I know we can always talk without talking, and know without knowing and that we understand each other. And that's so so cool and gives me heaps ☺ I totally get super sized consuming muddles and empty tanks also.

So glad TTT is so safe! I'm doing some thinking about window of tolerance stuff on and off, trying to work out where I sit with it. Psych used to believe in pushing me out of my very nearly closed window and then backtracked quickly when they realised the extent of the muddle and now they think it's a bad idea. But maybe I need to find a way to gently open it again. I'm trying. I like TTT a lot and am very glad you have her ☺

You know how much I love dares?! 😁 When I do finally get to see the psychiatrist I'm probably going to be so distracted giggling about Mighty Mouse and thinking about whether I can ask him for a photo of the pocket crew that it will be a funny and not scary appointment! Those moments were highlights of my Christmas 2017 also 😊 Thank you for saying that about love erasing pain - that means heaps.

I hope your day has been a good (enough) one for you.

@Former-Member - I really appreciated hearing that perspective, about the standing up. It's what is inside me also and something I forget so it is very helpful to be reminded. What I did (even if it was in a ball under a blanket on the station floor) was say "no more". I showed him that I wouldn't be quiet anymore. Deep inside I believe that I would continue to fight, louder and harder if I had to, for them always. There's an avenue there for him that is perhaps some of where our (yours and mine) situations differ a lot because we haven't gone there. Maybe it is because the final bang wasn't directed at me which would not look good at all (if that makes sense - have to be so careful), but maybe also because he would have to know now that I will fight as hard as I have to and give everything if I need. I've been told that it would be hard for him given what happened, but I get how much the system fails often also. I am so sorry that you have to manage that he is causing life to be difficult 🙁. That would be/is seriously very hard. Thanks again lisajane. I really am sorry the world has been so unkind and unfair to you.

It's properly raining here now too so we said goodbye to bike plans. One has come down with a tummy sick thing (hoping so much it isn't a gastro spreading bug one) - so goodbye to do much of anything plans. And a stealth cat discovered they really like tiny puzzle pieces and has decided to steal them, eat them and run them through the house - so goodbye puzzle plans. I give up today. It's another movie day for them and a blanket making one (pretty pink round now) /bucket duty for me which is ok. I hope you and yours are enjoying your quiet one ☺

Hi to @Catcakes and @Faith-and-Hope too (and hugs to both of you for the challenges you face). And this 💚 for @Former-Member.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Anyone in the nest?
"Bump bump bump bump" - that's me dragging teddy down the stairs (it's also the first line of one of my favourite books).

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Damn it pressed post when I meant enter.
Is anyone in the nest awake? I have a cup of tea on the offer?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Former-Member .... 👋
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