FORUMS

Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

  • 47,612Members
  • 1,358,869Posts
  • 1,400,000Visitors
Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

4,071 - 4,080 of 5,090

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

thank you @Faith-and-Hope hope you are ok

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Tir d tonight @Former-Member ....but okay Hon, thank you.

Senidng you cyber hugs ....

💜

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Me too 😩 so tired, hope you sleep ok @ faith-and-hope

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

THanks @Former-Member.

I have photos from my trip away. Will post them tomorrow on Far and Away thread .. ..

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Will look for them. Tomorrow then 🙂 @ faith-and-hope

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Morning nest,

That made me laugh heaps @TheVorticon 😂 You have a great way of helping me feel heard and giving me a laugh at the same time. Mighty Mouse has a special place in my heart (to an "I want Mighty Mouse ink one day" point) so seeing that was very cool! I will not be able to unsee that when I see the tough psychiatrist now 😁

@Former-Member My reluctance to tag you thing is totally on me and it isn't at all anything you've done/not done ☺ I understand how confused humans can be/feel/seem erratic (rollercoastery) - because I'm one too.

Thank you so much for your post and for sharing what you did. I felt a big sense of sadness and relief having read it. I definitely feel a lot less like this is some big giant ugly scary going-to-eat-me-up thing, when I see and hear others surviving it (maybe wonkily and shaky at times, but actually surviving). I am so sorry that you and yours have experienced it too.

I'm in many minds also. Every single day I wish it all hadn't happened. I look at overall life for us and so much of me wishes I could go back and not have opened my mouth. Every time I feel pain, and especially when I feel and see hurt from littles, there's something inside that hates that choice I made (and hates the choices others made for me that followed - that probably won't change). But then I look at them closely and I remember why I opened my mouth and who made the choices that led to me needing to open it in the first place, and I don't regret it. Sitting right in the middle of the destruction and chaos that this has caused and not regretting that I did what I did, is so confusing.

This stuff shatters dreams and hopes, and that really important belief that we deserve good and decent (or at least not terrible), which I what I think of when I hear you say that it's not how you planned your family. I really do believe that we all deserve that, but it's so hard hold that belief and live with the reality that it doesn't always happen that way. I am guessing that plays into your fear of personal connections, feeling, caring and trust etc. I'm constantly fighting a battle inside that wants and needs those things but knows they can lead to enormous pain. My heart hurts thinking of groovy girl and those conversations, because they suck and they are part of the ugly to all of this that seems like it will be a lifetime of painful working through it.

The paper is terrifying lisajane. I am so scared that it is going to lead to another life changing big bang. I'm trying so hard to address my fear instead of addressing what could happen because, while another bang would stop life again, it hasn't happened yet and it is my fear that is stopping me from living the way I want to right now. Sometimes though, I just don't want to live this life. Again I am thinking you understand that also. I am glad I have said something about it here (and there and scattered and in bits around the forum, which I know can be confusing for people and am sorry if it is) even though it was scary, because it feels a like a heavy weight has been lifted a little through people understanding, which so many of you do.

That was a bit of a spill essay (and a heavy start to a Saturday morning sorry!). The short version is thank you, and I hear you, and am here with you doing my own version of trying really hard to survive and live through it too. (And please don't feel the need to reply to my essays or tags ever - but please talk if it helps you or feels right to).

@Faith-and-Hope you gave me warm fuzzies with your post and your balloons. Warm fuzzies help me (way more than catts 😉). Thank you for being you Faith-and-Hope 💗

Hope the day has something that is ok for everyone ☺

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

🌸🌺💜💕
🐝🐞🐛 @CheerBear. 👏 ☕️
Hi and hugs.
Going to try and get more sleep now.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member 🐛🐝🐌🤗💗💜☕🍰 Thank you.

(this was my face seeing you 😊)

Hope sleep happens and feels good x

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @CheerBear,

I feel like I'm being a very neglectful not-friend at the moment, but I know you know we can always talk without talking. I am so caught up in my own muddle regarding my turtle whisperer, that I still feel like I am running on empty and simply have nothing to give. I'm super glad I can always snuggle in your pocket and whisper you've got this.

I super hope the psychiatrist goes ok. I'm not sure if I would have chosen tough or teddy bear. I totally hear you when you say that fluffy can sometimes be unhelpful. Some of my failed therapists (including the one I apparently traumatized) were soooooooo fluffy.

TTT is definitely not fluffy, but she isn't tough either. She's just...safe. I think I mentioned to you that she worked with young people living in out-of-home care for several years before going into private practice. She has definitely learnt a lot of skills around working with complex trauma through that. She feels SO safe. Whereas (A) would keep talking about something as I started to get dysregulated such that I would end up screaming and SHing, TTT immediately shifts the conversation. I get the sense that it is super important to her that I stay within my window of tolerance, whereas (A) seemed to have the brainless idea that pushing me out of it was a good idea.

I assume that the pocket crew and I will be coming with you to see the psychiatrist. Maybe Dr Havetodo and him can have a psychiatrist-to-psychiatrist conversation!

Giggle. I dare you to ask the psychiatrist for a photo of him holding the pocket crew, like you did with Santa! By the way, that photo, along with our evening of singing carols together but not, were the super big highlights of Christmas 2017 for me.

I'm so glad your LF have you to guide them through their big feelings. I can imagine how much it must hurt you seeing them hurt. I believe that as big as their pain is, your love for them is bigger, and over time, your love will erase their pain.

I hope today has some good in it for you @CheerBear.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@TheVorticon It is SUPER nice to see you in the nest! I noticed @CheerBear's nice/mice typo too. I super love the picture you posted.

4,071 - 4,080 of 5,090