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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

So please tell us @Former-Member, just how Teddy came to be so well travelled without you.....

pleeeez?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That is very cool @Former-Member! Teddy sounds seriously special ☺ (and very brave - I know I couldn't travel to, well, probably anywhere). Thank you for sharing that story and your teddy. It means a lot.

@Catcakes - I genuinely think we are all doing, and have done, the best we can with what we have. In saying that, mum guilt hurts and I think many of us feel that too. I don't know much about you or your crew yet, but am enjoying hearing the bits I do. I do know that I feel and sense love and pride from you when you talk about your son (he's studying from memory?). I hope over time to get to hear more of your stories 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

He he he he......
Well at my 21st someone decided to 'kidnap' him, because that's so goddamned funny!!!! 😡 😡 😡
And then later one of my friends was going overseas to meet his birth mother and Teddy offered to go with him as support. Teddy had so much fun, that he created a facebook page and made some friends and made it known he would like to travel.
Then there was a holiday with friends that I couldn't attend and I was really upset so they took Teddy instead of me.
A few years later and he's been passed around with friends of friends and had a great time.
I miss him at times though.
So I bought a 'mini' Teddy that looks identical, but can fit in your handbag about the size of a waterbottle and he does all the travelling now, whilst 'big' Teddy stays at home to take care of me.

And now you know I'm a complete and total weirdo!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Great story @Former-Member. 👍

im sure Teddy does an even better job of keeping you calm as he has learnt about all the good things that other cultures have to offer,,,!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBearmum guilt does hurt a lot, and I feel it too. But I do think we do the best we can under some extremely difficult circumstances.

@Former-MemberI don't think you are a wierdo at all. I carry a little teddy on a keychain around with me and have a teddy at home I cuddle a lot. Mine are different but I think it is super cool that you have the same teddy in different sizes. Nothing wrong with that.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @CheerBear.

❤️

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That's a very cool story @Former-Member (although the kidnapping part is not!).

I don't think you're a weirdo. Did you hear that I stopped Santa in the street for a photo with the turtle, mermaid, Seahorse and jellyfish that live in a pocket in my handbag? 😆 So many of us have out 'things'. Whatever works I say.

@Former-Member - my heart feels so many of the posts of yours I read and when I catch some of them I feel like I get it. You're doing an awesome job Nell and it's not easy at all. I'm glad you can see that you're doing the best you can too 💗

Two of mine have made a campout in the lounge room watching YouTube videos on a game they're playing. It involves riding T-rex's 5-ht ☺ (school holiday staying up late). And I have a big in my bed watching something they want me to join them with so I'll head off now.

Huge thanks for the company and the being here to all. Again, it's made a big big difference.

Night

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest ☺

After my post last night I hopped into bed with a big and we watched our show. It's a show that middle and little have no interest in and is pretty grown up but I let big watch. I remember being sneaky and staying up late watching things like this with my mum when I was little, and how much I enjoyed doing it. My big is also my 'mango thief' and together we shared a mango. I can't begin to say how relieved I am that I managed that last night. It's so hard to have progress be (what seem to be so little) things like that, but it is when I'm not doing very well. Baby steps.

When I went to turn off the lights I saw a middle and a little crashed out on the sofa with their YouTuber streaming all kinds of stuff I don't understand but they love (a lot of it is Japanese pop culture and gaming stuff). These two get into so many fights and it does my head in, but seeing them snuggled together asleep after sharing a night with their common interests, made me have those big heart feels inside.

Big heart feels most certainly beats CATT intervention for me. I find things hard because to get those big heart feels requires lots of energy that sometimes I just don't have. Those days break this week, especially given I spent most of it in med induced bed land, maybe helped get some of that energy back so I could find it in me to keep going, which was the plan. In my ideal world, I would be able to take a few days break before it got to the point where I started getting seriously run down. I know it's something my psych has been trying to get me to do (for years) but the reality is that I am seriously lacking in extra hands. I have one really helpful person who can be great extra hands, but the cost of asking for any more than a night at best can be high and it seems to need me to get to breaking point for it to happen. Maybe that's another thing to look at adding options to in the 'keep CB from falling apart' plan.

The warm fuzzy feelings helped me sleep last night without meds which I can't really take much of when I have the littles anyway, and I've woken up feeling like the world is more doable again. A couple of nights ago a very helpful helping person reminded me to think about the things I can control while other things feel out of control. I can't control the missing piece of paper or what he could/might do and I have very little control at times over how my body responds to those triggers, but I can inflate bike tyres and set up a school holiday puzzle in a corner on the floor, and I can do things to look after myself like be a tiny bit gentle on myself and celebrate little wins. Plus I can keep learning from things like this. I can see dates are big triggers for me and psych has already flagged that as being important to put plans in place for (when they return from leave - hindsight sucks sometimes 😉).

Thanks for reading to whoever did. And thanks nest and forum for the heart feels. I'm going to jump in the shower and hope the better feelings stick around today.

Hope there's good for all ☺

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Sending strength and support, @CheerBear. It is really wonderful that you were able to turn things around to love last night. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of watching shows with mum. Your story reminded me of those good feelings. Hope there's lots of good in this day for you.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Mazarita thank you. There have been lots of good feelings in my day today which has felt like (way needed) soul medicine 😊 I hope you've had some of them also. Looking forward to catching you in real time again soon, maybe one wee hours morning. I think of you with my coffee often ❤
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