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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
I'm having a pretty average day so I'm doing some getting it out, because it sucks right now and it sucks being stuck inside me.
Today at my appointment with my GP I found out that both her and my psych (the main parts of my "I'm feeling well supported by my team at the moment") are both on leave from now until the week after next. When I found that out my insides went ugh in a big way. It felt like getting somewhere when somewhere is needed, then being told to hang on and hold on tight for a while.
I sucked it up and picked up some littles telling myself it would be ok and found 1 who didn't want to come home and 1 who has given me the silent treatment. I understand it's kids stuff but it doesn't really help the feelings it brought up for me. I don't know what's going on for silent treatment one, but I think the one who is upset about coming home is probably that way because it's mostly heaps of fun where they were. I feel a big pang of ouch inside at it. And a giant painful, horrible feeling of how maybe they'd be ok there for longer. And just writing that makes me feel very ugh but keeping it inside felt more ugh.
I'm sad and feeling pretty alone in a stuck and lost space. This all feels like a big step back. I wish it was always steps forward and that steps back didn't happen.
I have to dig deep and find my ok again but I think it's gone missing right now and all my attempts to find it aren't working well.
😞
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear
In response to: I'm in a nest
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
💐💜💕🌷🌿@CheerBear ......
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear
You can borrow teddy if you need him?
In response to: I'm in a nest
CatcakesSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I hear you @CheerBear.. my psych has been awa three weeks, back next week for two then away again 😩 It makes me feel wobbly too. 😘
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thank you for being here @Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@Catcakes. I really appreciate it.
The silent treatment broke with a big outpouring of sadness that I didn't pick them up on Monday which was apparently behind the silent treatment. I got the guilts bad as I felt the sadness of less than 3 days of me gone just after wondering whether they'd be ok for a lot longer than that. My silly head sometimes 🙁 At least I can see that again now. They had their vegetarian version of Maccas (which makes me laugh) and we sat on a picnic blanket in the backyard. I feel better for spending that close time with them.
@Former-Member I would very much love to borrow teddy thank you. Has he/she got a name? Big, big thank you. (If you ever want to borrow my unicorn you can too - she's so incredibly snuggly)
@Catcakes - that's tough with your psych 🙁 thank you for understanding how wobbly that can make us feel. I was left with "call triage if you need, even if you don't want to" as the option until they're back. Me having triage called on me was how I landed in this nest and my experience with the whole process was not ok at all. I will find an option (whatever letter I am up to now).
This is just a rough patch (I hope a lot) and as much as it feels like hitting this place is undoing progress, it isn't, it's just a pause on it for a bit. It's forwards and backwards and round and round, because it's the way it is. Grrrr to no nice neat upwards recovery line 😑
I feel less alone. Thanks 💗
In response to: I'm in a nest
CatcakesSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I found that very moving @CheerBear, the idea of you having close time with your kids on a blanket in the backyard. Well done ☺️
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
They're awesome (and totally exhausting) littles @Catcakes (as littles tend to be). I find it difficult not to laugh when one shoves a straw up their nose to drink their drink at the encouragement of another who should know better, while another is busy arguing over will get to be the egg when they play crack the egg on the trampoline. And laughing makes me feel good. It's a circus, as I'm sure you'd know it can be ❤
I just realised teddy is a he @Former-Member. He looks like a he ☺
Thanks @Former-Member (who I think might get the littles thing too somehow) and @TheVorticon (who I may have slightly happy danced at seeing back). I see you both there/here also ☺
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear - that's actually a 'representation' of teddy. Teddy is very very important to me. VERY. But because of this, everyone who knows me, knows him. He's a distinctive animal so it's not like there are lots of 'teddy's' wandering around the place. And...... He has a facebook page with over 100 friends and he has travelled to China, Indonesia, Mongolia, Vietnam, Antarctica, America, Germany, Switzerland, England, Poland...... etc etc (I have not visited most of these places!) So he's very.... ummm what's the word.... identifiable. So, above is just a representation of teddy to preserve his anonymity. Oh, and his name is 'Teddy". I'm very creative I know.
But yes, I just thought you might need a teddy to cuddle and provide a bit of physical support.
I'm jealous of your circus. I'd imagine it's hard work and trying and tiring, but they sound like a wonderful, funny, loving circus. I'm happy that you have them around you. I hope they help you along and that you have more nice moments with them.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
CatcakesSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I remember very well @CheerBear how awesome/exhausting kids can be.
what I don’t necessarily remember is whether I managed to spend close nurturing time with them at times or after a crises. I just hope I did.
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