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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Former-Member, @Catcakes, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-Hope and @CheerBear

I can see that you have been having a bad day today @Former-Member and I;m sorry to hear that the forum have complicated this for you on a day that you probably could have done without further issues.

I just wanted to pop in here to reiterate that you are a valued member of the forum and we certainly wouldn't be encouraging you to leave the forum when this is your place of support. We would firstly always want to explore how you can remain a member of the forum. Perhaps before making a definitive decision about whether you leave the forum or not you can speak with us further about the guidelines. We are happy to continue this conversation should you feel that the decision that was made was unfair and we can explain things further.

We are however, understanding should you feel that you have no other option but to leave.Sometimes people make this choice for themselves and we respect everyone's right to make this decision.

The main thing that I want you to take from this post is that we certainly aren't encouraging you to leave and we can talk about this further if you would like to. Getting support here is important, particularly on a day like today when you are needing the support.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That’s amazing 5-HT .....😁

you explain it so well. So.... if I was a dinosaur , maybe I wouldn’t have such a sore back., but also I couldn’t look at the stars.😏

i think I will try and do something about this back....

didnt fancy the ice cubes.

i reckon the dinosaurs must have had a bit of emotional dysregulation ... what do you think?

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member, the decision I'm making right now is trying to decide if I want to stay alive.

You have arbitrary and loose ideas of how guidelines work. That's fine, I'm not going to worry my pretty little head about it anymore. We disagree, discussing this isn't going to change it. It's not my organisation and I have almost no stake in how it is run.

"We understand if you wish to find another support network if this is frustrating and not helping you."

Is a very subtle way of saying F*** Off.

The decision I'm making right now is whether to keep on trying.

Right now, I'm chatting away...... and hopefully this will distract me long enough so that these meds will kick in and I'll fall asleep and will wake up tomorrow.

Are you interested in dinosaurs? Can you give me a good reason to be alive tomorrow?

That would be helpful, 'discussing' guidelines, less so.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

If dinosaurs are like me, they just get their angry on sometimes.
I grew up not being allowed to express my emotions and being blamed if my emotion was not what was desired.
For some reason, when I'm online.... it alllllllll comes out.
Not so much in real life - I'm seen as a generally optimistic cheery person, who also complains a bit..... with a dark mostly unseen angry/sad side.
When I've been clinically depressed and attempted suicide everyone was shocked.
In some respects you see more of my 'real' side than anyone I know in real life does.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I liked it when you were talking about how babies have the C shaped spine @Former-Member...

i love babies probably as much as you love dinosaurs.

one of mine has scoliosis so I’m also interested in spines.

the thing I’m fascinated is how did the dinosaurs get so big just eating plants..?

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Ohhhh babies!

I have to confess I'm loving my friends babies a little more as they get bigger and bigger. Now they can run and hide and play. Lots of fun! AND - THEY ALL LIKE DINOSAURS!!!!

Oh no, poor little one. They have heaps and heaps of good treatments these days compared to what they used to do. Is he/she coping okay with it?

They ate a lot of them!!!! Elephants are pretty big and they only eat plants. Blue Whales are really big and they only eat microscopic organissms in the sea.

P.S. If you need to go to bed at any stage, feel free, I won't be offended. 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

For your back - have you gone to a physio???

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I get that sometimes anger comes out online @Former-Member

I have it too. If we were discouraged from showing our emotions when young our brain has needed another way to let off steam. I have written dozens of angry letters/emails in my day.

i am always a little bit envious of forum dwellers having meds to calm and meds to sleep.

i can’t have them in the house.

hows things going for you @Former-Member?

any sense of calm at all?

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

We definitley aren't saying that @Former-Member but I respect that that is the way it feels.

I can certainly appreciate that discussing guidelines will not be helpful. I'm more than happy to hear info on dinosaurs to keep you distracted while you are waiting for the meds to kick in. Whatever you feel would be helpful

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Feeling stoned......
This anger thing is new..... only in the last few years. The thing is...... it feels so good to get it out. In fact this feeling emotions thing is new, ever since I started medications. I used to be just dead inside all the time.
It's like I'm a little kid, feeling all these emotions for the first time.. But it's mainly anger and it only comes out online. And it's usually littler things that make me angry. Bit things, like disagreements with friends, I can still sort out calmly.
But my bus not turning up for the 10th time in a row. ANGRY PANTS - letter to bus depot and transport minister.
Feeling more distracted talking to you - thank you for this. I do appreciate it.
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