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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh .... now I get it @Former-Member ☹️

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It's funny, I don't swear much in work or social situations, but online I write what's in my head - exactly what's in my head. And I swear a LOT in my head.

Medication to keeping me up and not depressed or psychotic. But it doesn't change the fact that I am who I am and I should be dead.

So, today has had some really bad stuff, but the main part is there all the time, it's been there forever.

It'll never go away so what's the point?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Faith-and-Hope,
It's pretty hard when NikNik all but told me to leave.
Their application of the guidelines is arbitrary and loose. I do not appreciate or respect people who have double standards.
And what's the point? I've got everything ready, I just need the guts.
It's not any one issue, it's all of them and they all point to the one conclusion.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

The point is 5-HT, you’ve been around for 30 billion years so you can’t leave now. That would mean the palaeontology books would have to be rewritten.
Do you think dinosaurs ever got sore backs walking like that ? I’ve got a really sore back ☹️
I hope you stay around for another few billion years because I like chatting to you and I think lots of other forumites do too 👍🏻

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Their backs were totally different to ours - read up on primary and secondary curvatures of the spine and how they developed in babies and evolutionarily to allow primates to first climb and then hominids to walk. Totally fascinating stuff!!!
The thing is.... this keeps happening. I've had episodes of depression since I can remember. And that's just a symptom of how bad I am.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear, it is super okay that you shared that. It actually gives me hope when I hear about support teams that work (even if it is just some of the time). Knowing that helpful helping people really do exist makes it easier for me to not totally give up searching for some of my own.

Plus I’m super glad your team are getting it right at the moment—and that they’re getting to know you and learning how to work with you in ways that work for you (if that makes any sense at all? Sorry I’m medicated and while it hasn’t really touched the sides of the anxiety and panic, because I didn’t sleep last night it has doubly turned my brain to moosh).

I am feeling a bit stuck with the housing stuff. I want the new place to be long term, so I need to be at least a bit selective, plus I want to be in an area where I can at least feel semi-safe. I don’t want to rush into any old place, but I also don’t want to spend months waiting for something extraordinary that might not even exist. This - that - tricky - ugh!

I was reading your other post over there ➡️ the other day about control and lots of maladaptive stuff stemming from the lack of control. I wanted to reply over there but I couldn’t for reasons, but I can totally relate to that. Everything in my world feels so out of control so I try to find/regain control of whatever I can, in whatever ways I can (and they are almost always not good ways). I can only imagine how hard it was to have the people in blue take the control away from you in such a tricky situation and I can understand how the pending loss of paper is dredging up all the previous ick-feelings. I’m glad you figured out that’s what’s happening and that your psych validated that for you. You’re not mad (or even going mad) at all, @CheerBear (but I understand feeling like that is what’s happening at times).

CheerBear you are one of the kindest and best people I know (here or in irl) and I’m super glad I’m having the chance to get to know you. Thank you for saying about opening your door—I felt very much the same when your housing bus timer was ticking down too quickly. But yes, if we could just find that wand. (And it really must be elusive if there’s not even a wand emoji!)

I hope your sleep is restful tonight, CheerBear. Thank you for sharing and thank you also for caring. It really means a lot to me. 💚

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I can’t read @Former-Member,
Can’t you just tell us the story. ?You make it so interesting.
It sounds like you need some sort of distracting activity.
Have you ever done the ice cube trick to deal with strong emotions ?
You hold an ice cube in each hand for as long as you can.....
Try and just notice the sensation,
Turn away from the other emotions for a bit..

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member, I really hope you stay (but of course I’ll respect your decision either way). I’m having a lot of trouble being on the forums at the moment, and while I’m not here all the time and miss a lot of stuff that happens, I can honestly say I’ve never felt upset, or made to feel unsafe, by anything you’ve said. I really relate to your feelings of hopelessness/‘what’s the point’ and self-doubt … and I respect people who just tell it like it is and who aren't fake. The forums would be a lesser place without you. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

A Cat-cake that can't read!?!?
To summarise it a lot, when babies are born their spines are like a 'C' shape all primary curvatures, but when a baby gains head control and learns to hold it's head up it develops a secondary curvature at the neck, and when a toddler learns to walk, initially they don't have the curvature in the lumbar spine, but as they walk more and more another secondary curvature develops there. These result in the spine being an 'S' shape, allowing us to walk on two legs, balancing our weight over a tiny tiny space at our feet.

Dinosaurs don't have those 2 secondary curves at the neck and the lower back, they have a bit of one at the neck, but the neck muscles are positioned differently. Our spinal cord is almost at the centre of the bottom of the ball of our head and our neck muscles attach under and over the base of our head. The spine of a dinosaur is attached at the 'back' of the ball of the head and the neck muscles are at the back/base too. Meaning they don't have to crane their neck to move it, but they have less neck mobility and can't look up as we do.

Their lower back was far more robust with much bigger mucles that were positioned so that you had less mobility - move your lumbar region - heaps of mobility.

Interestingly the spine of some dinosaurs were hollow bones, to decrease weight and increase mobility.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

So basically, they had extra ribs and bone attachments and longer hips, and we have shorter, less robust, but more mobile - to allow us to walk upright and they walked horizontally.
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