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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Maybe walk into Admin, explain the problem, and ask them to print off the doc for you because you don’t have access to the library ......

And yes, like @Phoenix_Rising has said, it may be a problem with the card, especially in the absence of any email communication etc .....

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member ..... above

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thinking of you lots, @CheerBear and hoping the right things happened for you today. 🦄💚

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you heaps @Former-Member for checking in. My GP was awesome and I have still got control over those decisions, which is a relief. I have until Wednesday in a fishless but cat filled nest with PRNs and my GP is trying to get hold of my psych (I wished her good luck with it) to see whether there is anything else we can do. The break place is an option if I really need, but I am really hoping not to need it. GP made me laugh-cry with a comment about how much it would be a bad start to her year and how she would come and find me in the after world and get me, if I made a certain choice. I told her I wouldn't and that I would see her at an appointment on Wednesday that she asked me to go to, and I really do believe I will get there. I really like when people know me enough to make not-funny-but-funnies like that. She's going to look into support options for the muddle and I am going to try my best to break the maladaptive strategy before Wednesday. Can't quite work out how yet and wish I could work it out, but the answer is also kind of simple (but so not as I imagine you may experience too). I am feeling more hopeful this afternoon. I think I'll feel even better after a couple of days break at home, which is my preferred choice. Good outcome today as it was the right things ☺

I have been thinking of you with your photos today. Keen to hear how you went if you want to share. Hoping very much that it was as ok as something like that can be 🌸 The other day/week you mentioned something about how you'd find it hard to imagine anyone wanting bookish. You made a huge difference last night - thank you.

@Former-Member I'm really hoping you're feeling a bit settled after your big stress today on the back of a few stress days. Yarn helps me feel settled often.

Phoenix_Rising I know you're riding a wave so I am reluctant to tag you but I figured you'd see this when it's settled if you wanted to. Thank you hugely for reminding me you were here today. I packed a unicorn and a charger along with the pocket crew just in case today, and it helped lots. I remembered your phone charger advice from a billion years ago when the CATTs dived in. I'm not far away and will be here even when you can't see me. You are my not-friend and I value that so much.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I’m so glad about right things, @CheerBear. Your GP sounds like a good one. I’m glad you’re seeing her again on Wednesday.

Things might seem simple and obvious, but if they really were easy, then none of us would be on this forum. 🙁 I hope your CheerBear-controlled break is enough and allows you to shift things in a way that is helpful to you. You’ve got this, @CheerBear. 🦄

Photos happened. No sleep last night. Panic attack this morning. A copy writer arrived too—I hadn’t been told she was coming (she was lovely but still, not the point). The agent said the photos would be done in 15 minutes … it was more like 45. The photographer and copy writer both thought I was the owner (my estate agency is hopeless—rental and sales departments. Communication is not rocket science). 😕 I was really obsessive with making my bed this morning so it would at least look as perfect as possible. After the guy took the photos of my room there was a big dent/crease in the doona like he’d sat down or stood on the bed. Seriously, WTF? Needless to say once he left the bed was immediately stripped.

No great new properties today. Fingers crossed for tomorrow. The worst thing is that most of the new places being put up aren’t available until the end of the month or early Feb. I’m trying to breathe but it feels so much like there is not enough air. It will work out, I know it will. I just need to survive in the meantime, and try to minimise the damage.

I’m glad my nonsense chatter/sooking helped last night, @CheerBear. Our chat helped me too, so thank you. 💚

Phoenix_Rising I don’t want to trouble you with chatter when the waves are big, but I super appreciated your messages this morning. Thank you for being you. 🐢 Oh, and I hope S was good at the vet.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

SO APPARENTLY EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I WRITE IS OFFENSIVE AND WRONG.

I BELIEVE THAT THE MODERATION OF THESE FORUMS HAS DOUBLE STANDARDS AND IS EXCESSIVE AND WRONG.

IF I HAD ANY POWER I WOULD MAKE A FORMAL COMPLAINT BUT I'M JUST USELESS SCUM WHICH THE MODERATORS ARE QUITE HAPPY TO REITERATE AGAIN AND AGAIN IN PRIVATE EMAILS.

I STRONGLY DISAGREE WITH THE MODERATION OF THESE FORUMS AND AM SHOCKED AT THE MANIPULATIVE AND BULLYING BEHAVIOUR THAT IS ALLOWED ON THESE FORUMS, BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED MENTION THESE SPECIFIC NON-OFFENSIVE, COMMON EVERYDAY WORDS AS THEY MIGHT UPSET ANOTHER MEMBER.

OTHER MEMBERS ARE ALLOWED TO OUTLINE SPECIFIC METHODS OF SUCICDE AND HOW PEOPLE PLAN TO HARM THEMSELVES AND BUT I AM NOT.

IT'S NOT FAIR AND IT'S NOT OKAY.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @Former-Member. You're so right about the idea that if things were really easy we wouldn't all be here. It's fascinating how much brains can survive but how much they like to make a mess of living sometimes :face_with_rolling_eyes:

I'm so sorry your housing bus has squished you so badly 🙁 Housing buses have been behind lots of panic attacks for me, and panic attacks suck heaps. That is very creepy feeling causing and not at all ok about the bed situation. I shuddered just reading it. My anxiety had a field day when the house was put up for sale. It's a really, really horrible experience.

And it's a terrible time of the year to be looking at moving too. I don't know if it is like this for you, but I know as the end date for here grew closer and no houses were happening, I started to feel very trapped with little escape. Being trapped is not a good feeling at all 🙁 I wish I could open the door to our wonky little place and you could join the circus until you found your new place. Or that I could build a house for everyone who needs one. Where's that wand? There isn't even a wand emoji 😑

I just got off the phone to my psych who was great (yay big relief again) and said they spoke with my GP today. Psych started it with a "wow, what a seriously cool GP you found" which made me feel good. Apparently she was really interested in working out me so she could figure out how to best support me. I had a gut feeling she was a good one ☺ Psych said heaps of stuff that made me laugh, and other helpful things like how they're not worried because I am showing that I am talking and trying to find supportive support, rather than shutting down (I've been practicing this trick on the forum since I have been here and it works!). I asked psych if they passed out in shock when I agreed to see a psychiatrist when my GP asked me to (which they said they pretty much did) 😉 I am very scared of that one but it's worth a try.

What's going on is more than stress about the upcoming paper removal situation. It's re-experiencing of "this time last year", as I had no control over this one. It was one the people in blue decided for me with a big "this has gone too far so you have no choice in this" response to my begging them not to. I was so scared and lost and felt so much like my life rested in the hands of others. They got the paper, not me. All the feelings I had then have come back now which is yuck. I made that connection a couple of hours ago and psych said they thought it's exactly what it was too. I feel better for knowing I am not going completely mad. Psych thinks this mini-break will break it and I'll be ok (if I use my mindfulness and distress tolerance skills. Lucky there's an awesome mindfulness module over there ⬆️ and I have been starting to write not just pinterest for a DT module - sneaking that in for Phoenix_Rising).

I hope that's ok that I have shared that. I feel relieved as I am feeling very heard and supported right now by my sometimes-gappy-but-works-well-when-it-gets-serious, team. It should happen more for everyone, so I know it can be hard to hear when you don't have it.

I'm going to take something to help me sleep now it is more reasonable to sleep time so I'll say goodnight. I hope there is a house that is right, coming really soon for you. Thanks for being here and being you.

Night nest

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I just wanted to say thank you to the nesters for being so supportive.
I don't know what to do.
If I never show up again, I'm sorry for all the swearing.
If I'm back in 5 min it's cause I'm scared and feeling like crap and need some support.
Gosh, if I could just have someone with me right now.
Start off having a super bad day and then everything you say turns out to be "against guidelines" and you're told it's probably best for you to go, when this is the only place you have for support, and on such a bad day, you really begin to question why you're bothering at all.

When you have nothing to live for and no future, what's the point?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I hear you @Former-Member,
I understand your frustrations especially at being told you can’t be where you need to be at the very time you need it most.
Just try not to swear cos I’ll blush 😳
Has it just been today or have you been feeling this way for a while?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Former-Member .... I appreciate you and want you to stay ..... let’s work out the guidelines stuff huh ? I will really miss you if you go.

💜💐
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