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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I've not really been on much and the here and there. I'm so looking forward to your picture, that is one of the few things I am sure of at the moment.

You know that boat that sits out in the ocean and we need to just be to try to reassess... that's kind of where I am today. But it's not helping yet so I need to just be patient and sit while it rocks me (without hopefully me ending up seasick 😛 )

I have no idea what will be next on Turtle Island and I think it's because at the moment when I think of the forum my thoughts just go to you and the pooload of cr@p that has, mostly unnecessarily, been dropped on you. It irks me an I really dislike feeling in a helpless situation. This is absolutely no fault of yours in any way shape or form. My frustration stems from the fact we are living with a broken system that is not getting better, it's getting worse.

I just hope that you can find the strength to see a way through it and make the right decisions for you. I can't really do or say much more than that, other than to say as you know... bears and hearts and stuff definitely coming your way in droves.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Are you feeling any better about the decision you have made.. or are you still thinking this way and that on it? What's the best case scenario you think could come out of it if everything was ideal? @CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I really hope you don't get too sea sick out there @Spookytookims! Please don't forget there are many wonderful sea creatures here for you if you think it will help. This most definitely includes me (provided I'm not drowning in a whirlpool). I am sorry that you feel stuck about TI and that the pickle I am in has impacted on you too. It's so broken, this awful system.

I got a phone call from my psych that has shaken me a little and I feel nervous now. But I am trying to put it into a box of 'it's not helpful to think about at the moment'.

I will get back to the drawing now so I can show you. Thank you for coming past my thoughtful friend ❤️

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm ok @CheerBear you just look after yourself. I need that Cheer bear back! 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Should I say.. I need Cheer bear Grylls back 🙂 @CheerBear The island is not the same without Cheer bear Grylls.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Cuppa for you @CheerBear @Spookytookims
☕🍰☕🍰
Nighty night 😴💟💕

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

CBG is heading to the Island now @Spookytookims and will be back on land there properly soon, I'm sure. I was thinking about your earlier question re what I'm hoping to get out of this thing. The best answer I can think of is that as long as I don't have any form of order placed on me, am not too badly thrown back into trauma land, not shaking and stuttering when I walk out, and the others swimming in my ocean are not put in the path of the storm that has made a very special kind of mark on my public mental health record (which I found the full extent of tonight), I'll try take it as a not all so terrible thing. Given my very helpful but not always totally reliable psych has shown that when it most counts, they really have my back, the first and last things shouldn't happen at least.

Good night and cheers again to all the lovely people here who sat again with me through this pickle. It meant and means so much 💛

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear leaving a good morning here.. and a little confused when you're expecting the possible catt call in, but if it is before I see you, I hope everything goes ok today and works out whichever way you want it to.

🐻💝💫✨🐣

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Mega shaky this morning. I have to get LF off to school and I've left myself a huge basket of folding to do which I can focus on to get some of the energy out. My appointment is around lunch time @Spookytookims. Thank you for your good morning and thoughts. I'll have the nest with me in my pocket again and will visit it here and in my mind I'm sure.

I'm having my morning cuppa and then am going to start busying myself so I don't end up stuck in a spinning whirpool again. Trusting myself I've made a good decision here.

Hope it's a good day for everyone

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @CheerBear,

I'm so sorry you are still muddling through your muddle. I'm super glad it was a nice caring woman from catt who called you and I'm also super glad you have your psychologist in your corner. It sounds like as horrible as this situation is, it most likely won't get as bad as it possibly could have without those supports. There ARE good people out there doing their best in a broken system. They aren't ALL like the peanut you spoke with the other day. I super hope that as this situation runs its course the caring supportive people outnumber the peanuts.

Reading your posts, it sounds like you are thinking that a bit of extra support and/or a bit of a rest in a safe space might be helpful so long as you feel that you have some control and choice in the matter, is that right? That makes a lot of sense to me. For me, the trauma of "the system" is the sense of powerlessness. If I knew I could just ask for help and help would be forthcoming, then I would definitely engage with the system. Alas, my experiences sound similar to some that @Former-Member seems to have had - when I have tried taking myself to hospital and asking for an admission, I have always been turned away. Thus, when I know I need help and I seek it, help is not forthcoming. When I know I can ride it out myself, I get dragged into hospital by the police. VERY frustrating. That is why I will never engage with the public system now. However, you are in a very different space to me and it may end up being super helpful to engage with the catt if the nice caring woman is anything to go by.

I'm not planning to be on the forums too much over the next few days, but I will continue to check in here. Your nest reminded me of this picture that I super like. I'm right here sitting beside you. And if it is what you need right now, then I will even sit beside you in the way that is shown in the picture - which makes you SUPER special - cos I don't sit that close to just anyone you know!

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