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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
@CheerBearSo what are you leaning towards now? and are you feeling a little calmer now you have decided to maybe utilise catt?
(I just found this thread.)
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I'm not sure @Spookytookims and I'm not sure they're going to call now, even though they said they would yesterday. I am not going to be ok to stay like this for too long especially if things around me get much worse. I've crashed very badly. So I'm hoping at the very least to see someone re meds. And tell them I need a break. It's getting a bit too hard. Speaking of, I have chaos around me again so I have to go for a while. This sucks Spooky 😞
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
SpookytookimsSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
yeah it sucks... I'm so sorry. @CheerBear
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
MazaritaSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear, thanks for your company too. You are always lovely to hang out with.
In response to: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @CheerBear. Sorry I wasn't here earlier. Had myself in a muddle too. I kind of wanted to touch base with my experiences of a community health team. Hopefully to ease your mind a bit. I'll start with the bad. I've had a run of register psychiatrists who never got me and made things worse when I did but part of that was my fault too. I struggle talking to males vulnerably and I put on masks and overreacted and other stuff. I now have a female psychiatrist that I think will work. I had access to a psychologist who was lovely and worked with her for 15 months. I've had s few care coordinators too. The first one was very officious and not much on the caring end but did things to help me out like organise a gardener so I could get through a housing inspection. Helped with centrelink stuff. The last CC was great and helped me when in crisis. She was kind but pushed me a bit and was good for me but it took me ages to get used to her. I now have a new one who is an OT. It's a he and I've struggled but he is kind and very patient. Most of the people I've dealt with have been good but there has been some horrors too when I've had to contact the duty officer in the past. Long story short they have treated me well then badly (long story) and now well again. So my take is I've been better to have the support than not. I've also had access to the short stay mental health ward in the local hospital that is really just respite. It's not like the psych wards and I've always been voluntary. Part of this respite was when I haven't coped so well with my kids and needed a break. It's 3 nights respite in a hospital bed with hospital food and freedom to do what I like as in go out, for walks etc. For me that has meant someone to talk to and sort through my issues too. I never call them in crisis anymore because it doesn't work out so well. However I need/like the programs I am linked in with. I will start DBT again in July and I know I'm lucky to get in and it's because I'm linked in. Also it helps when I'm admitted to hospital because they have records. The only time they've sent an ambulance was when I've SH although I think my old psychologist had a welfare check done once or twice too. I'm not sure if this helps but I just wanted you to know that not all experiences are bad. I think if you can talk through things calmly and they know you are linked in with a psychologist they may just offer you a psychiatrist (one half hour visit every 6 weeks or more) and a social worker you access when needed. I don't think I'm in the same state as you but that's how it works here. Thinking of you. I was in your nest this morning but you couldn't see me. Wishing you all the best. 💜🤗
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Omg I wrote that in one paragraph no breathing space at al. So sorry.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I've spoken with the same really gentle catt person. I told her I think I need some help and have agreed to go in tomorrow for an assessment. I think I needed some time to calm down after the shock on Friday. I have a really bad headache and my tummy hurts, which feels very much like gastritis I've had in the past when hit with a mega dose of stress. I'm so scared of it all, and so scared this is going to end up very bad, but I know there's also no coming back from where I'm heading if I leave it too much longer. I'm shattered and feel really yuck so as soon as I have quiet here I'm bringing my pencils to the nest and I'll see the night through knowing I'm safe and cosy in my hiding spot where no-one or nothing scary lurks around.
Thank you @Former-Member for sharing your experience so openly with me, and for also being in the nest. I felt you there even though I couldn't see you. It helped to have read your not all awful story just before she called.
Thanks again for sitting here today everyone
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
It was perfect the way it was @Former-Member💛
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Im glad it helped @CheerBear and I'm really proud of you for dealing with it the way you have, but most of all recognising you need help and following through. That's a massive achievement there. I know it won't be easy but hopefully there will be some good come out of it for you.
Sending loads of hugs your way 💜🤗
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thank you @Former-Member. I don't feel like this is an achievement, I feel like this is a failure, but I think that's a reflection of where my head is more than anything. I think a lot of us would/have/do feel like that when we realise where we really are.
@Spookytookims - I am feeling jittery at the moment and am working on my drawing hoping to finish it tonight. It's helping me stay together. I am thinking a lot about you while I am colouring in, knowing how much I am putting in to it to get it right, and how much you put into writing your episodes to get them right. I'm really looking forward to showing it to you, even though I am kind of nervous about it. I haven't been able to venture far from this thread today so I haven't seen you around aside from here. It feels a bit strange not to check in and see how you are though. So if you're up for popping by to say hi I would love to hear how you're going today. Totally ok if you don't though. If I don't see you here I'll climb out of the nest and drop my drawing outside the cave on Turtle Island when it's finished.
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