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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Phoenix_Rising,

I don't know if I was broken into or not. It's just that my medication has gone missing. And I have no idea where it could be. I've searched and searched and I've not found it. And I'm house sitting at the moment and I found an empty jewlery box in the kitchen which is really weird, but their kids could have been playing with it or something. So I don't know.

When I was younger I lived in Redfern and we got broken into periodically and that was horrible. You didn't feel safe in your own house.

I think I know the exact doctor you are talking about..... she looks like a **** to me.

About the other stuff......

I try to explain it to people and no one understands. They just don't get it. And my belief in the ideas wax and wane depending on how bad I'm feeling. And today I'm actually feeling okayish, so it's almost like the ideas don't make much sense to me right now. Even though I still know they are true.

I guess it's that I'm not real, I don't have a soul, I'm not a whole, good person. I'm just pretending. But I was born bad. I'm inherently bad. It's like my soul is the daughter of the devil.... but I don't have a soul. It's not that I think I've done bad things...... it's independent of that. I'm not real like the rest of you are. And there is nothing good inside of me. Just this shiny exteriour over a vile vacuous black hole.

See....... I told you, you wouldn't understand.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member I feel so super super sad that you aren't feeling safe in Forum Land. I too am super struggling, but I am hoping to continue unmuddling the muddle now that the world is getting back to normal. I super wish I knew how to help you feel safe here.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising.....
I really need you to reply and say that things are still okay even though you now know this.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest


I try to explain it to people and no one understands. They just don't get it. And my belief in the ideas wax and wane depending on how bad I'm feeling. And today I'm actually feeling okayish, so it's almost like the ideas don't make much sense to me right now. Even though I still know they are true.

I guess it's that I'm not real, I don't have a soul, I'm not a whole, good person. I'm just pretending. But I was born bad. I'm inherently bad. It's like my soul is the daughter of the devil.... but I don't have a soul. It's not that I think I've done bad things...... it's independent of that. I'm not real like the rest of you are. And there is nothing good inside of me. Just this shiny exteriour over a vile vacuous black hole.

See....... I told you, you wouldn't understand.


@Former-Member I can hear what you are saying, but I'm not clear on your logical argument for arriving at the conclusions that you have. What is your evidence for saying you were born bad? What is your evidence for believing you are not real like the rest of us. What is your evidence for believing that I or anyone else is real? How do you differentiate a real person from a non-real person?

I know you are a super science geek so I know that you understand the process of hypothesis testing. Thus I'm super interested to hear how you have arrived at these conclusions.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Three isn't a logical argument. It's just fact.
People are born innocent and good. All babies have the potential to be good people.
I was born bad. In exactly the same way. Not 'bad' as in does bad things, bad as in not inherently good. The absence of that.
It's not like I have evidence weighing up both sides of the argument. These are just facts that I know. I've known them my whole life.
You can tell by looking at me that I'm not real. You would know. People know. That's why when I hear voices I'm not allowed to make eye contact with other people. Then they would know the truth about me.
The fact of the matter is I was born like this and I have spent my whole life just trying to pretend and if therapy can't change this than I have no other option.


I'm feeling really sick now, I think I might lie down.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest


@Former-Member wrote:
Three isn't a logical argument. It's just fact.
People are born innocent and good. All babies have the potential to be good people.
I was born bad. In exactly the same way. Not 'bad' as in does bad things, bad as in not inherently good. The absence of that.
It's not like I have evidence weighing up both sides of the argument. These are just facts that I know. I've known them my whole life.
You can tell by looking at me that I'm not real. You would know. People know. That's why when I hear voices I'm not allowed to make eye contact with other people. Then they would know the truth about me.
The fact of the matter is I was born like this and I have spent my whole life just trying to pretend and if therapy can't change this than I have no other option.


I'm feeling really sick now, I think I might lie down.

Hi @Former-Member,

I am intrigued about the idea that something can be a fact without any evidence. That makes no sense to me.

You mentioned that "People are born innocent and good." What is your evidence for that?

You also stated that "all babies have the potential to be good people." I assume you were a baby once upon a time. Thus the argument would be:

All babies have the potential to be good people.

5-HT was a baby.

Therefore 5-HT has the potential to be a good person.

I am super interested to know how I would know you weren't a real person if I looked at you. I don't know what a non-person looks like, and therefore, I can't see how I would be able to recognise one if I saw one.

I am still intrigued about the concept of something being a fact without evidence. I often annoy the heck out of people by saying "prove it" or "explain the logic of that to me" after they make a statement. I simply do not understand the idea that something can be a fact without there being evidence and/or a rational argument for it.

I can hear how much you are super struggling right now @Former-Member. From my perspective, everything is a bazillion percent ok regardless of whether you are a person, a non-person, good or bad.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member, what`s up my awesome friend : I am here if you want to talk about anything xxx

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey @Phoenix_Rising You're right about icky appointments. I'm home now having the 'well done me' feeling! I hope your day has given you some joy. Take care

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Love this @CheerBear !
It’s an amazing piece of craft 👍🏻❤️

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi in the nest. Thanks heaps for the lovely comments about my blanket project. My brain is a little too scrambled to reply properly to everyone tonight but I wanted to say a big thanks. It is really cool to be able to share it here 🙂
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