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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning nest dwellers. Today is a brand new day. It is super sunny here in Sydney and I am about to go and play my violin for a while. Here's hoping for a calm, quiet and peaceful day of simply being, here in the nest. Thanks for letting me snuggle in your pocket last night @CheerBear. I feel ready to keep on keeping on again today.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Last night was one of the hardest nights I've had for a long time. I clung on to the fluffy blanket for comfort and to keep my hands from wandering into danger. I had the tiny turtle there to remind me that it would pass and it would change and although it wouldn't be fixed tomorrow, I would get out of bed and something will have changed. Today really all that has changed is that I'm now even more tired but that also a break is a closer now. I have huge hurdles to jump to get to it though and no energy left for jumping anymore so I'm planning to work out with my psychologist how I can do this. If I have to I will ask that he and the catts jump some for/with me because I know I don't want too many more nights like last night.

Lots of things went through my melted snowflake brain last night. I thought of the LF. I don't want to have to say that here though because it doesn't help me to remember that there are a few incredibly important reasons to keep going. I know this every minute of every day. It doesn't help because it feels very hard sometimes to think that my sole purpose for existing is for a few other people. It helps me to have a place to say that though.

I thought of this nest and this ocean too. Here it helps me to remember what is here. Thinking of here reminded me of the comfort I find in being together with others when I am alone even when I am/we are here but not here. The shared connection of feeling and being so disconnected. It helps here that there is understanding of and between people who can be so misunderstood by others and sense being made of systems and things and people that can be so full of nonsense. It helps that I feel heard here when so often it seems like I'm not being heard or that what I have to say can not be said. I hold hope for people here when they feel like they're losing hope for themselves, and I feel like there are people here who have hope for me while I can not hold it for myself.

I too will keep on keeping on today @Phoenix_Rising. I will keep a tiny turtle in my pocket because it reminds me that there is meaning to my existence that extends beyond the suffocating walls of this house and if I can just keep on keeping on, maybe I will reach it. It is sunny here today too. While you play your violin I will be sitting in the garden where I will stay looking at the flowers and listening to the birds until it is time for my appointment.

Hoping that today brings all nest dwellers and ocean creatures something good to see or hold or find or feel. Thank you for listening to my heart pour out post.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @ChearBear, I just wanted to wish you all the best. I'm not around much. I've ended up in hospital again and struggling lots. Take good care of you. I know this is a hard time for you.
Hi to all other nesters too.
Hugs to all 💜🤗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thinking of you @Former-Member 💛

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey @Former-Member - something really lovely just happened and I wanted to leave it here so that when you're up to it you can see too. It's still sunny here which is very welcome, so once I got home I made myself a cuppa and sat in the sunshine near the violas I planted one day (I think I showed you them as well). I have another purple flowering plant in a pot near the table I sit at and I was looking at it pondering admission/hospital/break places etc. I got my phone out to take a photo of the flower to share with you when this butterfly came past and decided to stop on the very flower I was looking at.

Hope things are more sunny for you very soon 💛

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear and @Former-Member,

I'm sorry to hear you are in hospital @Former-Member. Was this your choice or the choice of others who think they know best? If your choice, I super hope you are able to get what you want and need from your time in hospital.

@CheerBear congratulations on getting through one of the toughest nights you have had in a long time. I super hope tonight is less tough and you can tell yourself "well I got through the super tough night of last night so I can get through this one too."

I can only imagine how very very important your LF must be as a reason to keep on keeping on. I know you already know how superly duperly important you are to them, so I see no reason to talk about it. Does it ever bug you if you share with people how much you are struggling and they tell you that you need to keep going for the sake of the LF? That would bug me. I'm allowed to tell myself my reasons for keeping on keeping on, but if others try to tell me those exact same reasons, it super bugs me. I think it's because when I tell myself, it is empowering in that I'm reminding myself that I am CHOOSING to keep on keeping on. When other people point out those same reasons, I somehow experience it as a guilt trip or something.

It sucks that you have such huge hurdles to jump through to get to the break place. I super hope that your psychologist and the catt can help you get through those hurdles. It's so ridiculous isn't it. If your brain was working well enough for you to be able to jump hurdles to get to the break place, you wouldn't need to go to the break place would you!

I hope today has been an ok day in your world @CheerBear. My day has been calm and peaceful. I saw my super awesome GP this afternoon. I am so very VERY grateful for her. She is one of those reminders that there ARE helpers out there who get it. They are few and far between, but they do exist. My GP has helped me so very much over the past six months. She is an example of how one good helper can truly change, perhaps not THE world, but SOMEONE'S world.

I hope your appointment was productive and helpful today. Do you have any sense of when you will be able to go to the rest place? I don't actually know what a rest place is, but it sounds like it might be somewhere where you can...well...rest (I'm super clever to have figured that out, don't you think!). Will I get to come along in your pocket? Will you have internet access? One of the things I find super distressing in public psych wards (at least, the ones I've been in) is that they don't allow mobile phones and thus there is no internet access. Given that my entire social world is online, that does not work well for me!!!!

Anyway, hopefully you have had a peaceful day. You are very much always in my thoughts - which I find distinctly annoying...how did one little carebear find a way to sneak through a crack in my shell! Hang in there my not-friend.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising - you seem to pop up at the most uncanny moments, in the most nice way. Like while I was standing at the sink doing the dishes wondering how I am going to do tonight. And then you come along and remind me that I will do tonight the same as last night, because I did last night so I can do tonight 🙂

That thing about the LF is unbelievably suffocatingly crushingly horrible. Because as you said, having someone else tell people they have to do something, can leave people feeling very guilty when they don't feel they can or they don't want to. It is aching my soul that right now my sole purpose for being alive is for them, so not only do I feel that it sometimes doesn't seem enough of a reason to stay alive, but I'm also feeling a terrible amount of shame and guilt that what I have doesn't always feel enough to me. Thank you for seeing and noticing that might be the case 🙂

As for the break place, it's somewhere between home and hospital. There are a few of them, all operating kind of differently but with the same idea. They're staffed 24/7 and there's activities/group programs etc. It's goal oriented but also a place to rest and feel better. I'm very worried about the "assessment" tomorrow but I am trying to put it in a box to the side until I get there. Tiny turtle will be there 🙂 The break place is very much a place a tiny turtle can join in too, and my phone will definitely be there if I pass the assessment and jump the hurdles. Maybe even with wifi! The psych ward not allowing phones is awful, and would scare me a lot! I remember when I was taken there I messaged my friend to let her know I was really really scared and that I wasn't sure I'd be allowed my phone, but I was and I felt so much better for having it. I'm so sorry you've been through so much awfulness 😞

Want to know something very (not) funny? The catts called as the school bell rung today. I answered and said I thought it would be a really good idea to speak with them, thinking maybe, just maybe, they'd be able to support me to find something that might help me get through tonight, being that I'm feeling kind of scared at the idea of doing it all again. I told them that I couldn't talk while I was standing at a school surrounded by LF but that I'd be home very soon and asked if they could call me back. I thought I was being really brave reaching out and trusting that the mental health crisis people might be able to support me through a mental health crisis. Guess what? They didn't call me back. Although technically there are still a couple of hours before today is not today, I'm now going to pretend that it never happened because the idea that there are teams of people paid to help people who are drowning, happy to dive in and poke them when they don't want poking, but leave them alone when they ask for help, really doesn't do much good for me. Definitely cornnflakes. Hope that's ok for you that I've shared that. I'm guessing it's as unsurprising to you as it is to me. Silly me for thinking housing workers can help with housing, c-link workers can help with c-link, and mh crisis workers can help with mh crises. Looks like pink blanket will be it again and I'm glad I have a pink blanket to fall back on.

I'm so happy for you that you have your GP and your A. You have 2 people in your corner that are helpful and it is these people that are the ones that do make a difference and perhaps these little differences are sometimes really big differences eventually over time. I too have you in my thoughts often. I wrote a couple of replies to you somewhere but didn't post them because you know I'm here when I'm not here. But I wrote something about how I am very hopeful that your developing relationship with A, even if she too is a bit stuck, will give her a big reason to dedicate lots of energy into finding a way that neurofeedback can work for you. I'm really glad to hear you've had a calm day and peaceful day today 🙂 Mine has been much calmer today in parts today too, and that feels important right now.

Thank you for being you phoenix_rising. I super appreciate you. I hope tonight stays calm for you and you're able to sleep snug and cosy.

Also, I think that's now the longest post I've made here 😉

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks for your kind thoughts @CheerBear, @Phoenix_Rising.

i love the pic @CheerBear. It made me smile today. There's been lots of tears so it nice to smile.

I ended up having to go to ED as my therapist rang my son and told him he had to take me for my own safety. I hated it but I know she did it for the right reasons. Otherwise she would have called Emergency Services and I would have ended up in a different hospital with even more lack of support. I'm in the short stay Ward in a public hospital which is more like respite and a review than anything else. It's a few days to try to break the SI cycle with extra meds. I also wanted to say I've been treated really well this time and with respect and dignity. They've encouraged me to be included in decisions about my care. So far so good. I don't feel like I have BPD tattooed on my forehead which has been nice.

I can identify with what you say about having to stay here for the kids. Sometimes that brings me very strong angry and frustrated emotions that I have to stay for them. I love my kids but it's not always so easy to balance everything up. I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I've sacrificed my life for them too.

@Phoenix_Rising I've been reading your posts on different threads and you are raising some really interesting stuff. Old Teej would have jumped in with lots to say, this Teej is struggling with everything now including trying to string thoughts together with some cohesion. I've kind of been reduced to thinkong of you posts which is true but sometimes not very validating. I hope to respond properly at some stage.

im feeling really tired now and need to head off. Wishing you both all the best, crossing fingers @CheerBear all goes ok tomorrow . 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member I am super pleased to hear you are being treated with respect and dignity in the short-stay ward. I hope the stay is helpful in breaking the SI cycle.

No problem not commenting on my posts. I have really just been venting. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you @Former-Member. Night.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member, really no words other than I so much hope that for you this little break is helpful. I'm too am very glad you're being treated well. Thank you for sharing your experience with your kids. I really appreciate it (and you in general) Teej. I'll have you in my thoughts 💗
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