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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello @CheerBear, @Phoenix_Rising, @Former-Member

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Shaz51 🙂 How has your day been today? I think I read that you've got the flu? Hope you're feeling better soon!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I giggled when you described how I popped up while you were doing the washing up. I got a funny image in my brain of me popping my little turtle head up through the plug hole in the sink.

I have to say, I LOVE that you were able to use "soul" and "sole" correctly in the one sentence. I'm not sure if you were in on the conversation I had with @Former-Member the other day about how grammatical errors drive me nuts. I work super hard at ignoring them in any social context (mostly because my uni counsellor told me it was socially inappropriate to correct them)...but secretly they still super bug me. So...I think I like you just a tinsy tiny bit more for having been able to use "soul" and "sole" correctly.

I feel sad that you experience guilt and shame on top of your already big muddle. I don't have kids so I don't feel like I can truly relate to what you are saying. However, I understand that kids are a double-edged sword - super amazingly wonderful, but also super amazingly hard work. I think it is totally understandable that sometimes even the LF may not seem like a big enough reason to stay alive. I guess that just shows how big the muddle is. However, I'm guessing that there are only SOME times when they don't seem like a big enough reason. I'm guessing there are other times when you look at them and know they are definitely worth staying alive for. That's the problem with suicide - it's a long-term solution to a short-term problem. That's why I choose to ride the waves - I know they pass.

The break place sounds really good. I wonder if they exist in NSW. I get the sense that NSW is behind other states (especially Victoria) when it comes to mental health. Is the break place for anyone with mental health issues, or is it for a specific cohort (e.g. survivors of DV)? I'm glad turtles are welcome. I'm sort-of looking forward to it now. It will let me see another way of how people with mental health issues are supported. We will have to keep notes so we know what does and doesn't work for when we set up our respective safe places when we each find a few million dollars in the gutter.

It amused me a bit that you are now wondering if you will pass the assessment to get into the rest place. Two weeks ago the muddle was that you didn't need support and catts were poking and prodding at you. Now you are seeking support and wondering if you will "pass" to get accepted. Yep, the absurdity of the system is alive and well - as evidenced by this absurdity, along with the rest of what you described in your post regarding today. Don't ask for help and you'll be hassled. Ask for help and you'll be ignored. Such a very very mixed up system.

Yes, I really am VERY grateful for my GP and A. As my relationship with A develops, it gives me a glimmer of hope that I might yet find a a way to keep on keeping on after X happens. That is why last week's adventure was such a terrible setback. Things actually were starting to improve...and then I got smashed. X really is going to be a very very VERY difficult event to keep living beyond. However, as each week passes, I start to think I will be able to live beyond it. It was in December, when I was already in extreme crisis and before I'd found A, that X first presented as an issue. From there, it went from looking like X could be easily resolved, to it looking like X was going to come to fruition within weeks, to now when I have no idea when X will happen. Hopefully it is months, or even possibly a year or two away. But it could happen very suddenly within weeks. That is why I (and my GP and A) are working on a bit of a tight schedule in terms of getting somewhere in sorting out my muddle. I don't need everything fixed by the time X happens, I just need to have SOME sort of hope for the future. Sorry for being so cryptic. I just don't want to share this particular event on the forums because I don't want people then asking for updates on the situation. I have shared it privately with CherryBomb and Luna, and both my GP and A also know. I just really don't want to field questions about it here on the forums.

I'm going to sign off for the night now. Thank you for being you too @CheerBear. I super like you. There are currently 7.5 billion people on the planet and not one of them can be more you than you. You are the ONLY person out of the 7.5 billion people on the planet right now that can be you. That's pretty cool. Goodnight my not-friend.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Goodnight to my favourite aspie sea-turtle anonymous online not-friend with bpd who is always here but not here who I'd love to ride trolleys and eat porridge with but not live next door to, at least until you're off your violin L plates 😊

I look forward to the day I find eleventy billion dollars and you find a bazillion dollars lying around in gutters so we can start building our amazingly helpful and safe places all across the country, too. By then we will surely have enough logged hours in mh and support services to work out how that money may be best put to use!

Hope you sleep well @Phoenix_Rising

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I feel all warm and fuzzy. Thank you for the oxytocin fix. Oxytocin is very good for broken brains. {Snuggles into CheerBear's pocket to sleep}. 🐢

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It's today now! And in only a few hours I will have so many more answers. I'm super nervous, like morning sickness style nervous, but that's ok I think. Get through this next few hours and once I do I can work on a plan for the LF. Then I see my people this weekend and maybe I can be brave enough to talk to them and ask their help too. Lots to get through but these next few hours come first so that's what I'll do.

So good morning nesters - hope the day ahead has something good in it for you all!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear ❤ ❤ 🤗🤗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @outlander :)💗 Hope today is good for you! I'm still smiling on the inside at our game last night. And just thought of your answer about humans eating dolphins 😂 Hope we can play again sometime

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Goodmorning @CheerBear ❤
Haha well i dont think they eat them lol but wasnt to certain 😂😂😂
Haha i think we would be in trouble if dolphins turned around and wanted to eat humans hahha
Oh im sure we can play again. Probably tonight if your up for it

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear hope your assessment goes well today and that you get what you need thinking of you today
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