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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Goodnight, @CheerBear

Hi to everyone here.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

What is it about men, toilet humour, bodily functions .... ???

There are grown men around me for whom that arena never fails to produce a wonky, half-hidden grin .... :face_with_rolling_eyes:

@Teej @CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Well @CheerBear its 6am here in Tassie, and I have had the biggest laugh reading your latest posts. Seems we are back in the BM area !!! Something we never sorted out. I was brought up with 7brothers who loved the toilet humour with sound affects.

Anyway, you and LF are together again, and I'll bet they are very happy about that. I won't even venture into the conversation on how many sleeps there are left, but I'm not adding to my own confusion there.

Its Saturday, I'm pretty sure about that, I hope you manage a sleep in today. Enjoy your day and flying objects.😂😂😂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest

Good morning @Maggie

You just made me laugh too! The idea of being in the BM area has given me a very funny image You're right, we never really did get to the bottom it haha (that's for you @Faith-and-Hope just in case you don't get enough toilet humor with your grown men today )

7 brothers - wow !

It's 6:30 now and I missed the sunrise as I was sleeping, which is a great thing! It's cool here but the sky is clear and there isn't a cloud around. I am watching sparrows and wattlebirds bouncing around with the last of the apricots and now the plum trees too. They're driving my Noodle cat bananas, who is sitting inside on the window sill behind me with huge eyes looking like he wants nothing more than to get outside.

I hope your sunrise has been peaceful and your morning has started well

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising,
I've been reading about attachment and that book you recommended.
I'm a little in shock/numb. But I think I finally understand things a lot more.
I think I finally understand why I can't have relationships at all. Why I'm not sure I even want any relationships. (Why my closest relationships have been with soft toys...)

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Former-Member,

The fact that you have been paying to see a therapist 2-3 times a week and yet this attachment stuff is radically new to you, makes me so sad. I so badly wish the mental health profession would hurry up and move beyond the medical model and CBT, and focus more on this stuff!

I'm super glad you have found it helpful, albeit confronting.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm not too sure how the therapy is supposed to work.... I don't know if I should have heard of this or not.
I'm doing the conversational model of psychodynamic psychotherapy.... I'm not sure if they talk about that kind of stuff or not. It's supposed to be super super good for trauma:

https://sites.google.com/site/conversationalmodel/Psychotherapy-and-the-Conversational-Model/westmead-psychotherapy-program-for-complex-traumatic-disorders

So, I don't know. Maybe my therapist is a pile of crap. Maybe he's not.

I don't know.


Also, I'm a BAJILLION times more open and talkative on here than I am in real life.
To be honest, it's been a year of seeing him 2-3 times a week and I still can't make eye contact with him. Seriously.... I sit there twive a week, every week not making eye contact with him.
I can't it's too scary. To emotionally intense for me. It would hurt too much for me to be able to cope with.
There is sooo much stuff I an't even begin to talk about with another 'real' 'live' person.

So much stuff I can't tell anyone, let alone a therapist.

Maybe he's not mentioned anything, cause I've never mentioned it myself? Maybe he's waiting for me to bring it up?

But the funny thing is, I do need to talk about it, but to talk to him about it scares the living shit ouf of me.

I don't know how or when I'll ever be able to talk about it. I don't know.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Can you email him, then he talks to you about what you emailed @Former-Member ?

Could that work maybe ?

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I could.... and I think I will for some of it @Faith-and-Hope
I guess my biggest worry is also hearing the answers. I think such horrible dark thoughts about myself and the only justification I have for being alive is that this therapy will make me a real person. If I find out from him that I can't do therapy, or that it won't make me a good person or that I am what I think I am.
I'll be crushed.
And, simply, I'm scared to die.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That’s worst case scenario @Former-Member ...... and there is a whole range of not-so-bad to okay to better-than-okay to really-great out there as well ......

And I presume that your greatest fear will appear front and centre in your first email, so his first task it to let you know that worst case scenario is not going to happen.
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