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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Love the rain after some heat @Maggie ☺ I am radar watching and waiting for some to hopefully arrive to help our garden. What's growing well for you at the moment? My daphne may need to be taken to plant hospital somewhere else in the garden and may not survive 🙁 I didn't get to make jam as they ripened just before we went away and a combination of birds bats and neighbours have taken many of them. We did get to bring heaps of them with us and there are quite a few left if I wanted to climb to get them (which I don't today). Maybe tomorrow before they turn too ripe or disappear.

Yay for puppies also, though I hope your Maggie May (that's right hopefully?) isn't too unsettled by them.

Home alone overnight for me is welcome as it is pretty rare. Like you, it took me a while to get used to being on my own (though I am never really on my own for long with the LF). I found myself very jumpy at first and it took quite a bit for that to settle. Now I love it mostly. I think I'll head out tonight. Or crash on the lounge and do nothing at all. It's the fact that I could do either and no-one needs to know and I don't have to think of anyone else unless I want to, that adds to me liking it. Too much on my own would be hard though and I have lots of respect for that.

Awesome to hear you've been x stitching! Crafty outlets really can soothe, distract, engage your mind, give comfort etc. Finding something that feels good for you is the best and I hope you keep that relaxed feeling for a while.

💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I hope to keep the relaxing feeling, it's been a roller coaster ride for months now, so this is refreshing. Yes the not answering to anyone is liberating, this is a first for me, once the ex left, now I can do my own thing. I don't go out, get too anxious, but I'm getting to know my young ( 46 yr old) neighbour.

Maggie May gets a little bossy with other dogs and very jealous, she has her own way of putting them in their place, even though they are usually three times her size.

I had a Daphnie bush that died this year also. I got the new variety, didn't work, now back to the old one and it's taken off well. They like a bit of shade. I have a yellow rose just budding, cornflowers, portulacas, with a tomato and potatoes mixed together. You can tell I'm no gardener, but I sure am enjoying it.

Theres a cat show on tonight at 7.30 if you are interested and decide to stay home. Looks funny so that's what I'm up to. I'm off for a shower. Relax while you get the chance.💜

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello nest. Hi @Maggie. 🌷

@CheerBear, you are amazing. I’m super proud of you. Enjoy your semi fish-free night, whatever you decide to do. Please hug the furry ones for me. 💚🦄

@Phoenix_Rising, I hope your ocean has been calm today. 🌷🐢

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Rollercoasters are very tricky to ride sometimes @Maggie. A break from it sounds really great and I am hoping it lasts for you too.

I love cat shows ☺ I couldn't find the one that's on tonight in the guide otherwise I would have saved it to watch later as I have decided to go out. Thanks for letting me know though. There's a great one called The Lion in Your Living Room. It's on Netflix but I had a Google and it can be found pretty easily elsewhere online. I found it so interesting!

You garden sounds perfect! I am no gardener either but I definitely have fun learning and playing in it and find it feels like soul medicine often (kind of like craft). I took a photo of a flower the other day that I will post in the garden here once I have finished this post.

Great to catch up with you today Maggie 😊 I hope you enjoy/ed your shower and that your evening goes well.

Hiya @Former-Member and big thank you ☺ One Noodle ball of fur hugged for you and one Mouse mind hugged as she is up high window shopping on the bathroom ledge right now 😁 Mouse has a thing for these foil ball thingies and she was rolling around on the floor hugging them with her eyes closed this morning. I took a heap of photos and one of them was very much one I wanted to share. Grrr! Got my listening eyes if/when you want to share how you're doing, but so happy to see you here just as you are.

While I'm here, and before I start getting ready to head out, I'll say a hi to @Phoenix_Rising too. I'm taking some Zombie Unicorns out on (another) adventure tonight ☺ How many days until the world goes back to not so different? I have enough trouble working this stuff out when it crosses two months (the whole different amounts of days in each month gets me), let alone when it crosses two months and a year! I had to ask my phone to tell me what day of the week it was today. Totally hopeless! I have been thinking of you, as I often do, wondering how you're going. You made an appearance in a dream of mine the other night. It was really cool to 'see' you ☺

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear your drive-past-the-house adventure sounds like it was AMAZING. I super hope this plants some new memories of the house in your brain to counter some of the icky ones.

I look forward to hearing about tonight's adventure tomorrow (if you want to share).

Hi @Former-Member @Maggie and anyone else in the nest.

I have had another amazingly quiet day. It is now a week since I last had human contact here in the real world and I am very much noticing how indifferent I am to this. Yep, my attachment system has completely disintegrated into nothingness since I was dumped by my turtle whisperer. I keep getting flashbacks of the moment she told me she wouldn't keep working with me. I was begging her "please don't do this to me," and she told me I had to stop begging. I really can't see how I can heal from this one. I think this really was the proverbial straw that obliterated the turtle's soul. On the bright side, obliterated souls are surprisingly painless!

I will re-appear tomorrow. It's five sleeps until the world returns to normal @CheerBear. You can count them on one hand!!!!

Ps. You will be delighted to know that I was reading the DBT manual today, CheerBear. The next installment will be ready for when the world returns to normal.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I hope you enjoyed your night out last night and manage a sleep in today. I just checked out the sunrise, not much for a pic, but enough for me.

The cat show was " Funny naughty cats" and might only have been in in Tassie. I did have a laugh. Take care.

@Former-Member Thanks for the hi, it means a lot. Hope things are okish for you atm.

@Phoenix_Rising You will make the best therapist some day, knowing all the things not to do. They have missed the adventure of a life time walking out on you, but I know that's no help what so ever. There is a social worker out there waiting..if one found me... It can happen again. I know you don't like dribble so I'll leave this here. Sending a hi your way.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I found this in the community garden this morning. It speaks volumes to me, I hope it does the same to you. I'm posting it everywhere, so you'll come across it here and there.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Frog pic from @Shaz51

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest.

Morning @Maggie ☺ It was really nice to wake up and see you. I'm glad your sunrise was a good one for you. You get some amazing sunrises! Ours is a grey sky one today. The cooler morning is welcome this morning. Also happy to hear you enjoyed your cat show.

That's a beautiful picture and it speaks to me also. Thank you for sharing it. I was in the community garden a moment ago and have another one to add there this morning. I'll head over there in a moment ☺

Morning @Phoenix_Rising. I can see how the Turtle Whisperer situation has been a proverbial straw especially given how much was going on in the lead up to it happening. Imagining you in the "please don't do this to me" place feels sad and it seems a whole lot like knowing something shattering would happen as a result but not being able to stop it 🙁 I think it's really clever of your brain to have made the soul shattering painless, though it sucks that it has come to this.

I am looking forward to the next DBT part. The other day/week you said something about how super it is to be on this adventure with a turtle (I think it was in relation to the speed of it) and I think it is. I am glad we are going turtle speed at the moment 🙂

Do you have any NYE traditions? The LF were asking what we are doing and I am not sure "getting in pjs and falling asleep at 9" works for them!

My adventure last night was meeting with a person I had whispered about a little while ago (a he person). It was ok to start with and then not very ok, which was disappointing. I find it tricky to work out whether things are not ok because I have a banana for a brain, or whether they are genuinely not ok and I sat pondering that one for a while once I got home. Maybe a bit like you Phoenix_Rising, my feelings part about this stuff has turned off in a way, which is fine with me. I'm full of thinking but at least it doesn't hurt. One thing I realised is that adventures like that are probably not for me for a while, which I am ok with (and also that banana brain still has some working things through to continue doing). My bright side is that I learned that unicorns and boots are a winning combination so one of my 2018 goals (along with study) is to find more outfits that leave me feeling like I did in that one 😁 There's an amazing pair of sparkly rainbow boots that I have been eyeing off for ages and maybe I can dangle them in front of myself as a reward for something big next year (like study).

My plan today is to restock the very empty cupboards and fridge, then collect some non-furry fish and return them home. It was nice to be away, but I am looking forward to being home with them now ☺

Waving to all and hoping there's good for everyone somewhere in the day!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I’ve just been reading your adventures @CheerBear and am crying. I’m not even sure why. I think you’ve been so brave but and are definitely going forward in leaps and bounds although it doesn’t feel like that when you have banana brain. On last nights adventures I think it’s great that you were able to realise it wasn’t working out as you’d expected. I know as time goes on for you the division of old life and new life won’t seem so great and you’ll find the place where you are unmistakably you and banana brain will be retired......well at least until peri menopause 😜. Memories of your old life will fade. I kind of think there is a little part of good in starting again in that my counsellor once said to me that I had a clean slate to become whoever I wanted. It’s a good time to get to know you so well again and shape and mould parts of a new life, which from what I’ve read in the last 12 months is well and truly what you’ve been doing.

I hope you and little fish get to start 2018 with a new beginning and with some peace that next year will look very different than this one for you all. Take care. 💜🤗

hi to everyone else in the nest too. Just sending hugs to all. I hope today finds you all ok. 💜🤗

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