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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest ☺

I went on an adventure early yesterday morning that I wanted to share here because it was a bit of a big one for me.

I offered to drop someone off somewhere that is as close to our old home as I had been since everything happened. It was really early, I was in a car that wouldn't have been recognisable and I look a bit different now so I thought it would be ok to visit very quickly. Once I dropped them off I kept going and ended up driving past home. I didn't go near where he is (he never lived with us at the place I think of as 'home' - ugh for leaving and still having "it" happen :face_with_rolling_eyes:) and I was still very careful, but it felt right to do, so I did.

I saw home again. I noticed shoes that looked like big adult shoes right where there used to be little gumboots and mini school shoes, and the trees and bushes have all grown so much. Even though I am guessing our neighbours were still asleep, I waved hi to them because I really miss doing that. I saw the park we used to spend time at and the shops where we would always bump into someone we knew no matter the time of day. There are new pedestrian crossings and a speed limit sign that came down and drove me bananas for ages has finally been replaced. I drove by the window we sat at the last time we ate at our favourite treat place.

I got a big hit of feeling that life for me is still very divided into 'before it happened' and 'after it happened'. I wonder if that will ever change.

While that feeling was a bit funny, I had another one happening that felt great. It was a "this won't stop me" one. Even though I was very nervous and had to think of and watch for lots, it felt really empowering to do what I have wanted to do for ages. My memories of seeing home for the last time now don't involve police and that might help me too, because having that with me has sucked. There is a tall side fence and the last time I remember that fence was when I went back on a collect things mission. I had lost my keys but didn't realise until I went to unlock the door so I got a lift up and over the fence from a detective who helped me try to break in. I tried (unsuccessfully) to get into our own home until I broke down in tears. They then followed me to get a spare set from a friend who was pretty shocked by my "the police are in the car park and I really badly need my keys and this may be goodbye forever now". When I saw the fence yesterday that memory came back so vividly, so I drove past a second time and paid close attention to it looking very normal, just as it always did. It's ridiculous that a fence meant so much, but it did. I hope that what I've done in making these new memories today will help lessen the yuck of those other ones.

So that was my unexpected adventure, which I think was a good thing for me ☺

I'm making progress on the next part of my blanket which is how I spent a bit of escape the heat inside time yesterday. It's a grey and green celebration and victory wreath so I'll pop yesterday's adventure memories in it as I chip away at this epic project!

I hope the day goes ok for anyone reading at the moment (would tag to say hi but not after the above so a hi to you in my head 🙂).

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Still awake here, @CheerBear. Thank you for sharing the meaningful events of yesterday, and for unwinding some memories with us in the process. Revisiting places from the past can be so powerful. I can only imagine how strong the feelings for you, and also perhaps the sense of some completion with that part of your life. I love that you have replaced a bad memory with an empowering one, so that your last images and future reminiscences of the place are in peace.

The side fence taking on such meaning makes sense to me somehow. I have a clear memory of a street light in a back alley doing something similar to me at a moment of deep distress decades ago, taking on a meaning I couldn't explain.

My heart goes out to you that you had to leave your village in such a sudden and shocking way. I also have so much faith in you, in your resilience, and your creative strength to move forward and grow. So glad that you found this healing meaning in your experience yesterday.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear You are so brave, I hope you know that. It took real courage to do what you did yesterday and come away with new positive memories.

I've had a trip down memory lane this morning, amazing how vivid memories are.

Your new ( I think ) blanket project sounds lovely, any chance of a pic, only if you want to, I just love how people express themselves through creativity. Anyway, sending the best wishes your way.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Mazarita thank you for listening and hearing my memory unwinding and adventure sharing ☺ I'm hoping it will be some more kind of closure stuff, or at the very least some peace as you said. Thank you for also understanding the fence thing. It's fascinating to get this inside look into the strange nonsensical world of trauma where some things stick and others don't (or they stick somewhere locked away and out of mind). A street light and back alley sounds really yuck. So appreciate your encouragement and belief in me ❤

And thank you @Maggie too for the same things ❤ I hope you're ok after your trip down memory lane? Memories are so tricky sometimes. My blanket is the same one I've been working on since I finished the first big bright one. This is what I have just finished up now.
It's nearly 900 stitches around now and once I add one more round (a pretty ruffle edging) I will have finished 15/18 'parts'. I'm at the point where now I am really keen on getting it done - home stretch I think 😊

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Just throwing my support behind you too @CheerBear. Such a huge moment for you and an extrememly brave one. Thank you for sharing that with us.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @Former-Member 😊 Appreciate it heaps.

Heading out for a bit now to do some productive stuff hopefully (like putting down a tree). Maybe getting out of my pjs will be a good start 😉

Hope everyone has good in their day 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBearthat blanket looks so good and beautiful colours. You are extremely talented.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear The blanket is growing beautifully, I was in spotlight a few weeks back and saw a wool cake!!!! Looks like your kind of colours. They just had balls of wool in my day????Gee I'm getting old!!!. Enjoy some time in the garden with the tree.💜🌷

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @Former-Member 😊

This one is massive @Maggie and it's growing quickly!

I LOVE looking at those yarn cakes! So far I have resisted the temptation to get one but I have a baby blanket I want to make in the next few months so maybe I'll have to use one for it 😉

I'm home on my own tonight after bringing two furballs back from being away and was out in the garden for the first time in nearly a week. It didn't like the hot days and not being watered! There are still about a squillion apricots on the tree and I really enjoyed being back at my coffee spot ☺ Hope your garden is feeling good for you today too.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Yes @CheerBear we had rain this morning, the first downpour in weeks, so everything is looking refreshed, and I didn't have to water.

The apricots sound yummy. Do you make jam???

Lovely having fur balls home @CheerBear my neighbour is getting two pups on Saturday. Staffing x bull terrier I think, will be interesting what my baby thinks of her new neighbours!!! Home alone would be hard, very hard. I have adjusted to living alone, but it took ages, and does have its moments.

A new blanket...crafts get us through some mind storms don't they. I've been X stitching today, relaxing. I should be cleaning but.....tomorrow...or the next day..or

Hope your evening goes okish.

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