FORUMS

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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

💐 @CheerBear .....

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I am using my phone while snuggling under my blanket but I wanted you to know I hear you - from inside your handbag. Can you see me? I'm right there. Go on, open your bag and check! You are not alone in this super tricky time. 😊

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @CheerBear, @Phoenix_Rising, @Faith-and-Hope, @Shaz51 and @Former-Member for your support and understanding. (Your highlight of the day made me cry, @Phoenix_Rising — big happy/I don’t deserve such kindness tears.)

In answer to your question, @Phoenix_Rising, it is Forum Land that I wish felt safer—in a new way now. (But I am super glad you are feeling safer here now that NikNik is helping to unmuddle the tsunami muddle.) After yesterday especially, I feel like this is yet another place where I can’t talk about how I feel. It seems like no matter where I go, people either don’t want to know (even when they ask and that’s their job), or they over-react (and I don’t mean forum members because you are amazing and just get it). I don’t want the police or the CAT team turning up on my doorstep nor do I want that potential threat hanging over my head. So I’m going to forfeit the support I get here and the connection I have with really special people. I feel like I have to stop sharing. I’ve survived 38 years essentially unsupported, so I’ll keep hanging in there. I’ll still be around a bit. I’ll try to provide support to others where I can and you’ll probably see me hiding under like buttons. I’m sorry I’m too broken for the forums.


P.S. Thinking of you lots, @CheerBear and wishing I had that wand-genie combo. 🌷🦄💚

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hugs @Former-Member ..... I am sorry to hear you feeling this way, but I understand, and will be grateful for any Likes ..... and to see your avatar when it does pop up here and there .....

💐💜💕

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

I have been thinking about you a lot today and wondering how you are going. A heads-up call to the police sounds super scary. I'm glad I could be with you in your pocket/handbag while you made that call. I know you would have been superly duperly brave and I hope you felt superly duperly proud of yourself afterwards for doing something so scary.

I know this is probably super insensitive but...your description of yourself as having a short fuse and running out of steam made a funny picture in my brain of you looking like a very wobbly kettle.

I am super glad there is big excitement and joy mixed in with the less-ideal big feelings. I hope the excitement and joy feelings are able to swamp and drive away the other feelings.

It is a bazillion percent ok to feel exactly what you are feeling. I hope the great bits of the coming week are truly great and wonderful for you and the LF. I can't wait to hear about any bits of the greatness that you can/want to share...even though I will already know because the whole pocket crew and I are obviously right there with you.

@Former-Member I super wish you were able to feel safer in Forum Land. I'm not sure what happened yesterday and thus why you feel even less safe talking about your feelings here. I would like to think it can be something that can be addressed, but I understand it may not be.

I can very VERY much relate to fears around police/ CAT turning up. The last time that happened to me was just over 12 months ago. I don't expect it to ever happen again because I don't talk to anyone anymore who may react like that. I feel super sad that something may have happened to lead you to feel there is a risk of that happening around here, bookish. That isn't to say it never ever happens, but I have found that the guys at SANE work extra superly duperly hard to avoid that outcome and don't just freak out like a lot of other services do.

I will super miss you being around so much @Former-Member, but I understand your need to feel safe. I do want you to know though, that you are definitely not too broken for Forum Land. I can be a bazillion percent certain of this because I'm not considered to be too broken, even though NikNik and I are still working on unmuddling the super sized muddle that started six weeks ago. That is a very long time to be dealing with what was a pretty spectacular sized muddle. So...if they are willing to put that much effort and energy into a scrambled muddled puddled cofuddled little turtle, then I know for certain that you are not too broken for Forum Land. I superly duperly like you bookish. You are definitely not too broken for me.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Tonight was (is still) pretty hard but seeing and hearing you all made it a little less hard. Huge thank you @Mazarita, @Sans911, @outlander, @Maggie, @Faith-and-Hope, @Phoenix_Rising and @Former-Member. It really helps to be able to crawl into a nest and spill a bit, and have it be met with such understanding. I also feel believed in here which helps me feel confident that I can tackle what lies ahead.

It was a really big day in terms of managing my head stuff. I did a whole lot of not practical stuff like getting my haircut and going for a drive. I even bought a pretty dress (I'm not really a pretty dress person but I liked the colours) because it felt good to do for me today. I then went over a safety plan what feels like a million times before doing the scary police call and then a scary email the details through to the police thing. That stuff feels so hard with anxiety brain attacking itself, so I am proud I got through it. I am now as prepared as I possibly can be. I talked it through tonight too and it helped. I feel not totally completely bananas tonight which is good. In saying that, I am expecting to be up busying myself organising everything I possibly can late into the night/early in the morning because I feel like I've had a bazillion cans of energy drink. In this state I doubt calming myself will work so I'll roll with being productive it for a while and then try some chill out stuff. Yay for anxiety :face_with_rolling_eyes:

I couldn't have said those words better to you @Former-Member, as @Phoenix_Rising has. I will so much miss you sharing you, but really do understand how scary it might be to think the consequences of sharing will be those things. I will big time miss you, will smile seeing you under a like button if and when I do and will make sure there are buckets if it helps and you feel like using them.

(P.S. Huge thank you for not a single question about why we don't just not go away. It helps to not feel I need to justify myself here).

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thinking of you @Former-Member ..... hoping you can get something sorted re house bus. Can you store household stuff and book a room for a week to get past Christmas ?

Do you have a dr who can give you a reference ?

💜

Hugs n hugs @CheerBear .....

Hi to everyone else here 👋

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I know that I haven't been around much, but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you @CheerBear and hope that you are able to have a little fun on the "December rollercoaster" with your sweet LF. I know it's a really tough time for you and wishing you all the best.

Thinking of you all in the nest and wishing you the best as possible, at this time of the year.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member thank you 💗 I know it is a really hard time for you too. Wishing you and D the best for this time also ☕💕🐝

Big smile seeing you, thank you x (gotta run again!)

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope, @Phoenix_Rising and @CheerBear. 🌷

Thank you for your reassuring words, @Phoenix_Rising. And thank you for saying I’m not too broken for you … that really means more than I can say (and yes, it made my eyes leak). NikNik emailed me today and also offered some reassurance. I’ll see how I go. I really want to be here. The support and connection I feel here makes a huge difference in my wonky world. It’s easier (and safer) to isolate, but also so very lonely. I’m going to try really hard to not run/hide/disappear.

@Faith-and-Hope, re housing stuff … I’m going to stay here in my unit for now. If I find out in the new year that the owner is selling, then I’ll move asap (as of tomorrow there is no lease forcing me to stay—I’ll just need to give 28 days notice). My support facilitator said I could list her as a reference, but she’s overseas at the moment. She’s back soon, but she’s only known me for 6 months. I asked my psychologist if I could list her but she said no (well, she didn’t say yes). I’ll work something out.

@CheerBear, I really hope there is lots of good and happy and love and glitter in the coming the week (with minimal wonkiness). You really are such a super amazing mum—and person in general. 😊🌷💚🌈🦄🐡🐟🐠

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