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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Former-Member,

I am super glad to see you. I feel angry at both your psychologist and your GP. It must be so difficult having your psychologist reschedule on you. I know you've mentioned before that she is a bit unreliable. I don't know how you cope with that - it really sucks. It also super sucks that the GP was judgemental about your request for emergency medication. I have experienced that before. It is so so wrong! I super badly wish I could make you a clone of both my GP and TTT.

I haven't yet figured out the answer of how to create a life worth living without family, friends or employment. At the moment, for me it is about the tiny little things - such as enjoying my morning coffee in the cool air and peaceful silence of 4am. I know you were asking the question rhetorically, but if I happen to discover an answer, I'll let you know.

The housing bus super sucks. I can totally hear how impossible it would be to stay there if the house was on the market. There's no way I could cope with that either.

I noticed that you posted a bit further down, clarifying that you weren't in crisis and that this was your "normal." I sought support at a local drop-in centre for people with mental health issues once. Long story, but the upshot was that they called an ambulance on me because I was super dysregulated. I remember telling the guy that this was my normal and he cynically said "yeah right, you're like this all the time are you?" Er...yes! I managed to convince the ambulance dude not to take me to hospital and I never went back to the drop in centre again. I guess our "normal" doesn't quite fit what others may see as "normal" hey @Former-Member!

I also noticed that you mentioned you wished it was safer "here." Do you mean here as in your home or here as in Forum Land? I am feeling much safer in Forum Land now, since I started unmuddling the tsunami muddle with NikNik. We are still working on it - it is a pretty gigantic muddle. But we are gettting there and that super helps me to feel safe. Feeling unsafe is a super icky feeling. I wish I could find that magic wand we are all searching for, so that I could take away your unsafe feelings bookish.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

sending you some hugs @Former-Member

Hello @CheerBear, @Phoenix_Rising, @Former-Member, @Pepsimax

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I woke up filled with a heavy feeling as dread has been creeping in. I stayed in bed for ages this morning because I could guess what was likely to come once I started moving, which was an anxiety overload and is what happened. It's so intense that I've taken an anti-nausea med to hopefully take the edge off my body behaving as if it has morning sickness.

We won't be home soonish and I'm getting more worried as it gets closer. Being where and when not-home is, it means it is time to use the well practiced, considered, advised etc plan which, as much as I want to scrunch up and say no to needing it, I won't and I will follow it. For this one, it includes a heart hurt heads up call to the police which I will have to hunt for my brave to do. They still scare me even though there isn't a real reason for it. I am really looking forward to so many parts of the coming little while, but there are other parts that seriously impact on my ability to enjoy it. The need to be on alert is a big one of those things.

I have a short fuse and I'm running out of steam. I am looking around the house feeling overwhelmed, questioning how I'm going to get to being even close to ready. Because there isn't really that much to do, I am thinking that it is mostly that I don't know if I will feel ready for this one, regardless of how prepared I am. There's big excitement and joy mixed with big worry and fear in almost everything right now and it adds power to the December rollercoaster.

I am so incredibly lucky and so thankful that we can do what we will do and that the great is there for us in a big way. Last year was an enormous eye opener in terms of what can happen when things go amiss at this time of the year and being here on the forum shows me how good I have it in so many ways too. But I can't wait for this coming week to be over now and that hurts me because it's not really me to be like this. It's not me to be distant and cold about things as is happening more than I'd like at times. I feel bad that I have what I have yet I am still sitting here looking forward to it being done with and I feel frustrated at myself that if it isn't one thing, it's something else.

Again with a big breath I will head out to face today hoping that I can leave some of it behind in a box in a nest.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning, @CheerBear. I don't understand what's happening with you just now. But I'm sending strength to you this day, and for the days ahead.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Wish I could be more open so it was easier to understand @Mazarita 😞 Sorry. It's going away and having that feeling and being really scary because of where and when, while trying to enjoy baking, playing with glitter and dancing with jingly reindeer ears. It'll be ok because it always is, it's just tricky and I have a big mash of feelings about it all as it gets closer. Hope your day goes well for you.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear - I hear your scared feelings through the lines you write. Hugs for you and the LF. You have amazing strength and resilience, which I know is being tested right now. But the world is watching over you, and will keep you safe. I'll have you in my thoughts today.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear ❤ youve got this ❤

"The thing about being brave is it doesnt come with the absence of fear and hurt. Bravery is the ability to look fear and hurt in the face and day move aside you are in the way"
(Thats the quote you gave me btw but couldn't upload a pic)

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Please don't be sorry, @CheerBear. I totally respect your need to be guarded about mentioning some things here. Sending more strength to endure the difficult, and to make the most of the good that sounds like it's coming.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Dropping off some bestist wishes to you right now. Can't find the right words be sitting here listening.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

💜 @Former-Member .....
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