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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm sorry you feel alone, and I'm sorry you are unwell. It's ok to feel sad, it's actually ok to feel, something I had to learn, it's ok to feel exactly what you are feeling and that's important, just what you are feeling. I'm listening and hearing, though it hurts to know the sadness is there, how can it be different from all you are going through.

Lemon with honey can be good for a cough if you have any and can be bothered. A comforting soft rug might help atm. I left some flowers at your non birthday party, I'm re delivering them today.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

I have been missing you today...which is kind of odd since you are always here even when you aren't.

I am sad that you are so sick at the moment. I super hope you get better soon. I can't imagine how hard it must be, being sick and still needing to tend to three LF. I hope you are able to have a super good night's sleep and that the bug will have moved on by tomorrow.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you for coming past last night @Maggie and @Phoenix_Rising.

@Maggie, I had honey and lemon tea. You can't tell my mum that I did that because it is something she would have suggested and I would have yeah-but-nah-ed at. I read your post and went to the garden to the lemon tree that never stops producing perfect lemons and used the last of the honey from the cupboard (there's a clown fish that is not going to be happy come toast time today but oh well) and it felt so good. I sat with my blanket and tea in my sads and it helped. Thank you Maggie.

@Phoenix_Rising I miss you huge lots when I am not here and when you are not here, even though we are always here even when we are not. I am hugely struggling with this time last year stuff on top of the sick stuff. Both are feeding in to each other and it is making things feel seriously hard. I feel trapped in my mind right now. I don't know why I am having trouble getting it out here but I am. I am talking it through with you in my head a lot, knowing you get it without needing to know. I wish you were here, here though. This will pass right? It will change. Brains are not designed to be stuck like this forever yeah? Thank you for getting it even without knowing.

Trauma heads are so tricky 😞

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

I super wish I was there too. Actually, I super wish YOU were HERE because I truly think that TTT is someone who can fix broken brains. If she is, then I can see that I am going to struggle with the fact that I can't clone her and send a copy to you and @Former-Member and so many others in Forum Land who need someone who really and truly gets it. Good mental health professionals are SO few and far between. If TTT turns out to be one of the good ones, then I know that it is partly luck (and partly the fact that I kept trying again and again after every failed attempt) that I found her. It shouldn't be like that. Finding a good therapist should not be like hunting for a needle in a haystack!!!

I super hope your sickness gets better super soon @CheerBear so that you are in a better space to cope with the trickyness of this time of year. I'm glad you can talk out your muddle to me in your head. I can hear you.

Brains definitely don't stay stuck forever @CheerBear. I STILL haven't opened the DBT manual, but I super hope to soon. I feel a bazillion times better today with NikNik home and me having had such a positive conversation with TTT. There have been a few times over the past couple of weeks where it was looking very questionable as to whether I would live long enough to speak to TTT. Once again I have proven that we simply do not know what the next day will bring, and that is why keeping on keeping on is a wise choice.

Your current stuckness will definitely pass @CheerBear. And until it does, I will sit here stuck in the mud with you. You've got this!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear - hugs. I hope these troubles will leave you soon, and have you feel better physically & mentally.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @Phoenix_Rising for sitting in the mud and for getting. And for being someone I can talk to without needing to talk - that's the coolest trick ever.

I'm so SO happy for you that TTT went so well yesterday. I was thinking of you lots throughout yesterday. I had a great get it person and often wanted to clone her and give her to you and @Former-Member and so many in forumland. I miss her a lot right now. But, they are out there as you know and I know and all the other people who have or have had one they work with or have been in contact with, know. The idea of hunting is for soon but not right now, as I am sure you understand as well as anyone. I will call my psych today and see if we can move an appointment closer. They're definitely a helpful someone and I am lucky to have them. I felt so excited to read about TTT. So awesome and so well done to you on riding it out. I am also really glad you feel better today knowing NikNik is home. Just quietly, I actually cried with relief at that one yesterday (granted Every. Single. Thing. made me cry yesterday, but it was a good feeling).

Brains might be annoying and being in stuck might be annoying, but it will pass. I hope today stays feeling better for you.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @Sans911. Appreciate you popping past too ☺

I've just come back from a Dr appointment where I was told that what is happening is asthma caused by a virus and that if I need any more of my inhaler than I am already using, to go to the hospital as things don't look/sound so great. I asked how I could do that plus three and was told to find a way as it would be better than being unconscious on the floor at home, plus three. Hello giant unnerving alone-ness. But she had a point and I can see that.

I guess the sofa eating me practice emergency run we had the other week was good timing 😉 And the fact that I can still find that to laugh about is a good sign too.

Big ugh and grrr. This really does suck. I have jitters from the inhaler, shakes from the head mash that's happening (both of which feel like buzzy must move-ness), but I am firmly planted unable to do a huge amount to un-plant myself without running the risk that breathing will get harder. Maybe it is a good excuse to play Animal Crossing and make a blanket, which is probably how I am going to spend the rest of my day now.

Hope there's good in today for anyone reading.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear please do what's needed to take care of you. You are too important to NOT be around.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I will @Sans911, I always do (just maybe with some cursing and ranting and hating being an adult and stuff, but I will). Thanks 😊

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I can only imagine how tricky it must be thinking about going to hospital when you have three LF. I am assuming you have some sort of strategy that you can use to look after LF, like you did when you went to the break place - even if it is a strategy that you super don't WANT to use. I agree that you being in hospital is probably better for the LF than having you lying unconscious on the floor.

Yay for getting eaten by a sofa!

I super super super hope you don't have to go to hospital CheerBear, but if you do, then I am 100% certain that both you and the LF will get through that ok.

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