Hello nest. 🌷
Sorry but I’m going to put all my responses here, instead of putting them in the right places ⬅️ ➡️. (They’ll probably be incomplete due to melty-brain, so I apologise in advance for anything I’ve missed.)
Hi @Sans911, @Pepsimax, @Teej, @Faith-and-Hope and @frog. I hope the week is being kind to you all so far. 🌷
@Phoenix_Rising, I am so glad that TTT sounds like a really helpful helping person. I super appreciate that you would want to clone her if she’s awesome. (And she really does sound awesome.) I’m sorry you’re in the waiting place again, but it sounds so much like you're heading in the right direction now (finally! No thanks to the peanut practice manager.) I totally understand needing to feel safe (I know that’s what I need, but I have no idea what that would even feel like—I hope I find out one day). Oh, and I am super impressed with your GP’s sneakiness. She’s definitely got your back. 😊 I hope your appointment with your turtle whisperer went well today. 🐢
@CheerBear, I’m really worried about you. I’m sorry you’re so sick. 🙁 I’m also really proud of you for taking steps to have an emergency safety net/action plan in place. I know it wasn’t easy. I’ve never had/been part of a village, so I can only imagine how hard it is to have a great one and lose it and have to build a new one. 🙁 You did so good today, @CheerBear. 🦄 You really are an awesome mum. 💚 I hope you are feeling as okayish as you can tonight. (P.S. I also super appreciate that you wanted to clone your great get it person.) 🌷
I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. I’ve been reading your posts, but I'm finding it so hard to post myself. I’m feeling quite useless, really—and super sad and super anxious. I hope you don’t mind if I do a bit of bucket dump.
My brain is very much not my friend—even more than usual—at the moment. My lease here ends in a couple of weeks and it’s making things extra messy in my head (which makes things tricky in my body too). I have another semester of uni, so I’ll be here (in this area and hopefully in this unit) for another six months. My goal has always been to move to Hobart, and I was hoping to do that after I (finally) finished my degree. The reality is though that moving across water is super expensive, I am poor and I am also extremely unwell. My anxiety is hitting new highs and I am terrified of everything. The idea of having to take Edie-Cat on a plane … I can’t breathe just thinking about it. (And it’s silly really because I took her on a plane from Perth to Melbourne which is a MUCH longer flight. But if something happens to her, I will be over, done, gone.) Something happening to Edie is only a tiny fraction of my fear about it all. I am just suddenly terrified of absolutely everything and I don’t understand why (and I hate not knowing why). Anyway, the point is that Hobart is looking like it’s not really an option. It will be another year at the very least before I can save enough money to move, which means yet another year living with no furniture. I really just want, for the first time in 38 years, to have a home. Also, if my NDIS application is approved (not holding my breath) I really want to start intensive therapy so that maybe one day I will actually want to live. I don’t want to put that off for another year or two or three—and I also don’t want to start therapy with someone then have to start again with someone new. It is so hard for me to trust people and that means it takes a really long time to get anywhere.
My other option to move to a cooler regional area in Victoria. The problem is that, even though it is cooler than here, it’s not as cool as Hobart. It will still be much too hot in summer. 🙁 I’m also not sure if I can make a ‘home’ there, knowing it’s not really where I want to be. I struggle to belong anyway/anywhere, but I have the teeniest-tiniest spark of hope for building a life. Maybe one day I can be part of a village? I just want/need something to be worth it. 🙁
Of course, none of this is urgent because technically (at this point at least) I don’t need to move until mid-2018 at the earliest, but I don’t like the unknown. I want to know what the plan is, what I’m working towards. Also with the lease ending, the agent will want me to sign another one and I don’t know that I want to (even though I don’t want to move out just yet). If I had a proper plan, I would know whether I should sign a lease. If I don't sign a lease, they might put the rent up. I’ve been here almost three years which is well and truly the longest I’ve lived anywhere since I was 15. I pay too much rent for a unit with fairly major issues, but better the devil you know, right? I don’t know. I just wish my brain would settle down a bit. This house/moving thing is only one tiny part of the mess that is rushing around inside my head. I’m so tired. I just want it to stop. Is any of this even worth it?
I have my phone appointment with my psychologist tomorrow and I’m feeling so sick about it. 🙁 She did send me an email tonight (in response to one I sent her) saying that she understands that I’m anxious about it, that we can make it a shorter appointment if we need to, and reminding me that we’re working together. I wish it really felt that way. I just feel like my brain is working against me.
Anyway, sorry. Sook over. I hope someone finds the wand or genie or eleventy million dollars soon. 😕
🌷