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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Faith-and-Hope thank you for hearing me and understanding. Brain mashed is hard Faith-and-Hope☹. I have read snippets and have felt the pang of what I imagine are some similar crossovers in our journeys. The control, walking on eggshells and behind closed doors stuff that I imagine may go on, especially. I really acknowledge the challenges and difficulties you might face, living with and through that, even without knowing specifics. My eyes are listening if it helps. I'm here with quiet 'getting it' otherwise.

🦆💕❤

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Evening to all in the nest.

@CheerBear, thank you for cryptics and for getting it. I had to make the trek to the city today to see my psychologist (not overly helpful, but that was my fault because I have trouble finding my words when I need them) and I didn’t cope with the heat at all. The car has air-con but it doesn’t take the sun out of the sky so it is still really hot being cooked through the glass for hours. 🙁 I’m sorry your matching person has melty summers and bucket stuff. 🙁

I’m super proud of you for using your calm, tidy words in action bear mode. 🐐 I’m super glad you shared here what you couldn’t say on that paper. I hear that brain mashing stuff, @CheerBear and it really makes my heart hurt. 🙁

@Phoenix_Rising, I definitely agree with @CheerBear when she says you’re a super great role model. I know how hard it is in the waiting place and how uncomfortable it is sitting on a pause button and how super gigantic the big feelings are, but you are doing such a super amazing job. 🐢

I’m super glad you are both on the ‘changing the world’ case, @Phoenix_Rising and @CheerBear. 🦄 🐢

A bit of good for me today is that a wonky truck apparently arrived in Canberra this morning so my 83 pages of super personal ick have been delivered and are no longer barrelling down highway limbo. 🚚 My SF called the NDIA and they advised that it would take months to process the application and we should call if we haven’t heard anything in two months. Hello, waiting place.

Today was tough, but it was really nice to have emails coming through from Forum Land to remind me that I’m not totally, completely, utterly alone. Thank you all for making me feel less isolated and more connected. Thank you for being you. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member it is so great to see you 😊 Thank

you, as always for getting it and hearing me.

I am so impressed that you drive to the city. That is not something I do at all. Sorry it wasn't so helpful though 🙁 Try and be gentle with you, which I know can be really hard. I totally get words not working when they need to, but also get that it's sometimes also the job of people to help you find them. Not particularly helpful sessions can feel disappointing.

So relieved to hear 83 pages are not lying in a ditch. I can sit here with you while you wait if you'd like, as I think others will too. Waiting is hard 🙁

I really appreciate having met and connected with you bookish. You are definitely not totally utterly alone. We can all be alone together 🌸🐐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening in the nest,

@Former-Member I am so glad to see you. This was me when I saw you in the nest this evening:

Wow, there sure are a lot of people in the waiting place right now aren't there!!! The NDIS sounds like it involves a LOT of waiting bookish. I'm super glad the wonky truck made it Canberra.

@CheerBearI'm super glad that you were able to share here what you couldn't share on the piece of paper. There is far too much brain mashing stuff in this world!

Hi @Former-Member are you in the nest this evening? I hope you are feeling safe and snuggled if you are.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Phoenix_Rising,
I was in the nest for a little while, but found it a bit overwhelming so I scurried under my blankie to hide.
How are you today?

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member blankies are super for hiding under aren't they! I have a weighted blanket that helps me to feel calm.

I'm struggling a bit at the moment 5-HT, but that's ok. It will pass. I'm heading off to bed now. I hope you have a peaceful night under your blankie. I really am super glad to see you back here in Forum Land.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Awww, you both really make my heart smile, @Phoenix_Rising and @CheerBear. I am seriously lucky to know such an awesome care bear and such a super turtle. 🦄 🐢

I appreciate you more than I can say. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear My inside just told me to come and remind you that I am right here...so...I'm right here.

By the way, I think I need to be careful not to listen to The Gruffalo too often because I'm already starting to "read along" with it. Given how completely broken my brain already is, having a Gruffalo get stuck in it may not be ideal. Imagine my turtle whisperer having to explain THAT to TTT; Phoenix_Rising struggles with a, b, c, d, e, f, g. h, i, j, k...z. Oh and one last thing - she has a gruffalo stuck in her brain.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Phoenix_Rising. Thank you for reminding me you are here. That definitely helps with big alone feelings. Today is tricky. I think yesterday caught up with me sometime when the time began with a T this morning.

I love that one and am glad you like it too. It is stuck in my mind forever. We have some great reading voices for it.

Today I added a new coping tool to my get through it box. It is to find cartoons and comics that match how I am going. The Heart, Brain and Gut Instinct ones are really cool.

This is how my day went (because I am hoping these give you a smile also)

I woke up and tried some of this

Which just had me feeling like this

So I did some of this (while finding these comics)

Which worked for a little while but didn't fix it. And that leaves me here.

I'm trying though.

I have been having the feeling that things are tricky for you also today. I am always here, even when I am not, and even when I am in ninja bear under a like button mode. I'm really glad you know that.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I think I made my own brain go bang this week 😞

Tonight I have really realised that the letter has been way too much too soon and I need to let it go (at least for a while, like probably a long while). I have sunk myself in a whirpool that I created and that was really not clever of me. I'm completely exhausted, have had way too much trouble sleeping, nightmares, no energy to do much of anything, and my head went to the dark, twisty and scary "it's hopeless, there's no point trying, give up" place today, which spells a big bold danger sign. Especially with other factors playing in to it right now, including the loss of a life jacket. I see my psych tomorrow and they are someone I can talk to about that scary head, so that will hopefully help.

I also realised that I am in dire need of getting back into doing more of what feels good, particularly after a helpful talking it through conversation this afternoon. I ran and raced and panicked and freaked out about the house stuff, and then jumped straight into this. Not clever but at least I can see it properly tonight which means I can change it. Making my blanket is one of those things (even if we are in a heatwave). Giving myself a break is another.

I suppose I am writing this as a way of making sure I do exactly that, and as a way of giving myself permission to put this on hold for as long as it takes and not feel bad about it. This time last year we were still in the refuge and it was only last week we left that service for good. I don't need to do this to myself this time this year. It can wait and I feel that now, not just want to believe it.

I've got a case of the sads again, but sad is ok as there is a bit to be sad about - even if it drives me totally, completely mad that I am "still not over it" (hi my inner critic) 😉

Early night and some sleep help in tablet form tonight and I hope tomorrow will be better.

Hope anyone reading has an ok night.
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