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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
Hi @CheerBear havent caught up on your latest news, just hoping you are okish!!!💖💖
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hi @TheVorticon,
I'm super pleased to see you here. Thank you for checking in.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Morning in the nest.
I hope you slept snuggled safely and cosy @Former-Member
Hi @TheVorticon. It is so good to see you!
Thank you @Maggie. I'm okish-ish. Maybe not so ok but ok with being not so ok, at least right now. 💗💕 for you for staying connected through your tough times. Hope the garden is enjoying your weather. Ours is almost growing in front of our eyes.
@Faith-and-Hope Hope you don't melt again today. Sending you a cool breeze 🌬 and an ice cream that doesn't drip🍦
@Phoenix_Rising the agony of storms and a missing life jacket ☹ The words "feeling suffocated by a blanket of silence and experiencing the pain of powerlessness" were written but not said yesterday. I wanted to share that after seeing similar words somewhere in the ocean. Definitely together-but-not.
@Former-Member it is hot and I think of you with the weather often. The person I sat with over the weekend, who is my now matching person, is the one I think I touched on during the conversation about melting in summer that we had. They're also a person who has experienced a lot of what was in a bucket. It is so much of their pain that has haunted them throughout their life and that exploded last week, leading to the night of somewhat wonky judgment and lots of music that ended in ink the next day. I think it all adds depth to feeling with you and feeling passionately about the not smallness of it all. Sorry if cryptic hurts. Trying to find ok ways to talk about things is hard!
😔 to lots right now. I am determined to search for my words and write some more of a "life then vs life now" letter today, because I do not want to walk past a standard I do not accept. That would not be being me and I kind of can't help but be me, even if it sucks and things are hard sometimes.
Hope the day has some good in it for all. When I gave the garden a drink this morning I noticed lots of flower buds on the tomato plants. That's some good for me this morning.
Big breath and in I dive ⛈
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Good morning @CheerBear,
How are you this morning? I see that you have appeared in Forum Land at the same time I did. I wonder if we both chose that time for the same reason. I am feeling much brighter for having been able to use my calm voice and having been heard. That helps a super lot! Yay for not falling off the pause button even when the sea gets super rough!
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear We appear to have cross-posted. Definitely together-but-not. I feel so sad that you are juggling two such similar big muddles simultaneously and without a lifejacket. So so so hard...but we've got this.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Super quickly before I get my goat 🐐 on 😉 I am really glad you are feeling brighter this morning @Phoenix_Rising. I think you are doing such a great job at role modelling sitting on pause and using calm voices. It really makes a difference to one feisty snowflakey banana headed care bear that has some trouble with sitting. I am going to practice what I am learning and take those lessons to paper today ☺
Thank you for being you (and for understanding simultaneous storms and grief).
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I did something really tricky and I found some calm and tidy words about then and now. I wrote about how life has changed in terms of community, housing, dreams, goals, study etc and then about safety. I wrote about how safety has changed, not through real change where it should have, but through great lengths and efforts to hide from what is unsafe. What I wanted to write I can not on that paper. It is about how people could pat themselves on the back for facilitating 'safety', but how they did not. They taught me how to live a life using fear, hypervigilance, disconnection and silence to guide me, then named it "the freedom you deserve". That isn't safety - that's brain mashing stuff. I also did not say that while I don't actually know whether the storm has blown away or dissipated, my gut feeling is that it has intensified and it is a matter of time before it is back. I didn't say that when I have said things like that, I am often met with words that feel like blaming my thinking for the problems, and not the violence that caused them in the first place. Hiding feels like punishment and I am not free. I am so glad Marsha's words of "people may not have caused all of their problems, but they have to solve them anyway" came in to my life, as it softens the blow of it all, a teeny little bit, and gives me something to work with.
Maybe there's still a place for those words in my letter, but for now I feel it is important they are heard so I am saying them here.
Thank you for listening.
In response to: I'm in a nest
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Hearing you loud and clear @CheerBear, and agreeing with you ....... some crossover of experience, and some "there but for the grace of God go I " ......
Feeling a bit brain-mashed today, although our general waters have become much calmer under scrutiny, and were never physical. There is still so much switching around that it causes hypervigilence and confusion ..... and what you claimed to be true can quickly be made to appear untrue ..... leaving no credibility.
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