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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member the herd made me laugh and then poor @CheerBear's slowness made me laugh a whole lot more. 😂🐐🐐🐐🦄🐐🐐🐐😂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I laughed when I wrote it @Phoenix_Rising, but @CheerBear made it so much funnier. 😁 🦄

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It's usually me getting the joke after the fact, so don't worry @CheerBear, you're in good company. 😊

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good afternoon in the nest ☺

I was still laughing about goats this morning. It felt good 😁

@Former-Member How's today going so far? 83 pages sounds so much horrible, especially on the back of a wonky truck 🙁 The NDIS process really does seem like a lot of stumbling around in the dark. Inconsistency with things like this does my head in and the idea that submitting the same application to someone different could produce a different result is so ugh. I kind of shuddered at the idea of your SF being away until next year from after this week. And I totally get the new people 😕 thing. When my CM went on leave she asked if I would like a call from someone on her team (being that it was the peak of the housing crisis). I asked what her thoughts were because she knows her team and me. There was a big pause of hesitation, then a carefully worded response about how they're great but they don't know that what I sound like and say is 'normal for you' and that maybe it could lead to more distress. I meant to mention this to @Phoenix_Rising and say I thought of you about 3 seconds after it, wondering if a similar kind of thing would happen to you. I feel 😕 about the idea the wonky times that can come with new people too. I really hope you get the answer you want and deserve to get, in a way that feels as ok as it can for you.

As for the feedback, I so much get the importance and the trickiness of doing that. I guess that sounds a lot like where I am at the moment. Stuck trying to provide feedback on the horrendousness of my experiences over the last 12 months, but still kind of recovering from the drowning that has happened from them. I really do think people need to hear about these things, but it is so hard to do it in a way that is safe and ok.

Which takes me to some of my words that I have been trying to find. I have written up a really big start on my feedback letter, and it has been so hard. I thought I would dive straight in to the 'compare your then and now life' question, that is my ocean of deep, deep despair. I am proud of where I have gotten to with it so far, but it is still a long way off being finished, and that's only one question. When I was being action bear last week 🐐 I made a heap of enquiries and phone calls about where to take this and who might listen. Until I have officially lodged something with the organisation, there is nothing really anyone will do. So I will do that, but because I don't trust anything at all will come of it, I am making sure that what I have to say is ok to share above and beyond the organisation if (when) needed. It's tiring but important and I am really trying my hardest to go gently. I am missing my Tuesday person while I do this. She was a big lifejacket sometimes. I've got this though.

Then there is the muddle that is my medical mess, rearing it's ugly head again. I had some tests done on Friday, on the back of the few BT I have had and there is stuff going on. I don't think it is anything dangerous, but it looks to be extra and annoying stuff that will take time and management and that adds 'stuff'. I'm not 100% sure what is happening yet as I have to see my GP to put a bigger picture together, which I am in no rush to do unless someone suggests I should do (then I will). I am not really worried, mostly annoyed and feeling let down by my body. This stuff is bad luck stuff. After managing physical health issues for most of my adult life, I can't help but feel a bit like it is time for bad luck to go away. At least there's some hint of what might be going on so I can actually manage it.

That's me. Not super great, but not terribly terrible either. Thanks for listening/reading to anyone who did ☺

Hope the day has something good in it for all.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Afternoon, nest.

@CheerBear, today is super hard. I think I overdid it on the word release yesterday (it’s not at all uncommon for me to crash, even further, the day after a lot of interaction). Probably not so smart to be here letting more words out, but I never seem to learn.

It will only be a short reply. I am super proud of you for the really big start you’ve made on your letter, but even more proud of you for the gentle approach. I know that makes a super hard thing feel even harder. You’ve got this (but I’m sad you’re doing it without your lifejacket). 🙁

The medical messiness sounds super messy and annoying, and I’m sorry bad luck keeps hitting you with its big stick. 🙁 You’re right, enough already. I’m glad you’re not feeling too worried, but I do hope you see your GP soon for bigger picture puzzling. I hope it’s something that can be managed effectively.

Thank you for hearing me re new people and bonkers procedures/systems.

Okay, I am so flat and blah that nothing of value is coming out of my brain (no different to any other day really) so I’m going to stop now.

I hope you and the LF have a lovely night. 🌷

P.S. You really made me laugh with: ‘When I was being action bear last week 🐐 ...’

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @Former-Member for sharing, listening and getting it. I so much appreciate you. Sorry today is super hard. I totally understand. There is so much value in what comes out of your brain (including in your listening eyes and speaking fingers).

Hope you're looking after you ☺

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @CheerBear @Former-Member and any other nesters here this morning,

Sitting on a pause button is so so SO hard. I can see that a whole lot of variables collided, making this a perfect storm. If NikNik wasn't away, or if Lauz wasn't sick or if about a dozen other things, it would have been a more regular-sized storm rather than a monumental category 6 storm with multiple Tsunamis. Still...methinks we are changing the world. Changing the world is hard work!!!!

Anyway, I really crept in here to whisper something to you. Yesterday my Turtle Whisperer was due to have a conversation with potential therapist take thirteen. I am seeing my Turtle Whisperer this afternoon and I am a tiny bit excited about hearing what she thought of TTT. I really do have a good feeling about her based on what I've been able to discover online about both her and the practice owner. It really does sound like they are super trauma focused...except for the fact that the owner hasn't got around to upskilling her practice manager in trauma informed practice!!!

The whole issue around them demanding payment for my turtle whisperer to speak to TTT seems to have been a big mess-up of the practice manager (i.e. the admin person who isn't a psychologist). It seems that she assumed payment would be required without actually checking with either the owner or TTT. This is definitely an unusual situation having one psychologist suss out another psychologist prior to the client making an appointment, and it seems the practice manager made an assumption that wasn't really her place to make. My GP emailed the practice about it last week and the actual owner (who is a clinical psychologist and supervisor to TTT) called her back and clarified the situation. It is super frustrating in that it wasted a fortnight, but I'm working hard to see this as an issue that has no relevance to whether TTT and I will be a good match.

Anyway, so that's my little bit of positive news amidst the pain of sitting on a pause button. I super hope there is at least a little bit of good in your day too.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Phoenix_Rising. I am so impressed that you're pushing through the yuckiness of the journey to find TTT. You really are awesome. I have those feelings of 'go you' thinking about what it might have taken to sift through the mess that was finding and sussing out TTT, and how inspiring you are all around. Your positive news and your tiny bit of excitement has given me some good this dark-for-me morning.

I have everything crossed that the news from Turtle Whisperer is good for you today and will look forward to hearing about it if/when you share. Happy Turtle Whisperer Tuesday.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I am sad that this is a dark-for-you morning @CheerBear.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Me too .... ❣️
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