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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Sorry, I am super slow. 🐌

For me, @Sans911 it is all about other people. I recently wrote an essay about wanting to die, but having to endure—and that is exactly how it feels. The first time I was suicidal with a plan, I was about eight years old. The only thing that stopped me, was knowing that my little sister would find me. These days, it is much the same. That sister no longer talks to me (because I have a mental illness, funnily enough), but I have two other siblings and (at least some of the time) they are what stops me from enacting my exit plan. Even though they are not there for me at all, I know we all grew up in the same house, we all faced similar trauma, and we all have similar mental health issues. I know it would destroy them (even more) if I did it. My main protective factor is actually my cat. To be honest, I really fear for my safety when she passes.

As for actual hope … I’ve been actively trying to get well since I was 19 (I’m now 38). After 19 years I have loads of insight into my illness, but I am decidedly more unwell. Even so, there is part of me that knows if I could access intensive therapy to work through and heal some of the trauma of my childhood, there is the potential for things to be even fractionally better.

The thing that has really helped me in recent years has been acceptance. I was always beating myself up and hating myself even more because I was trying so hard to get well, but failing. Eventually I got to a point where I realised this is just what it is. Every day I will wake up, after not having really slept, and I will want to be dead. After 30+ years, that’s a given. I accepted that sometimes people just don’t get well, despite their best efforts, and I seem to be one of those people. It is what it is. I can’t change it (years of trying have shown that). I don’t want to destroy other people, so I have to endure.

I have some really big feelings around suicide and the fact that the pain of a person dealing with suicidal ideation is always minimised and considered less important than the people they would leave behind if they did suicide. But maybe that’s a topic for another time. This is a very long-winded and probably incoherent answer to your question. Sorry, @Sans911. But yes, the SI is very much like an annoying pest that just never goes away. I hope this post makes sense. Please feel free to ask me to clarify (if you dare, after this essay).

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

You asked about purpose and I missed that bit … at the moment I feel like I have no purpose, which is really difficult to sit with, @Sans911. I would like to be contributing to society, leading a meaningful life, making a difference (even if it was only a little one). At the moment I am not well enough to work, or even volunteer so I feel, more than ever, like a total waste of space. I just have to fall back on the need to be here because the alternative would hurt other people (regardless of how much being here hurts me). That has to be enough. 🙁

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member - a little known fact about me:when I was doing my degree 20+ years ago, I was constantly in trouble for going over the word limit. So I LOVE writing, and reading essays. On the other thread I'm on today, I have just apologised for a similar transgression. And no need to apologise for being slow to reply. I have all the time in the world right now, as I'm in a similar position to you. I've been temporarily barred from work, and I've tried to do volunteer work, but gave it up as I couldn't give them any reliability, due to being in hospital so frequently.

Yes, I agree, that certain protective factors can prevent us from carrying out the final act. My protective factors come from my medical background, as I am only too aware of how wrong my attempts could go. Ending up partially or wholly disabled (for me, anyway) is worse than death itself. That's not to say disabled people can't or don't lead fulfilling, productive lives. It's just my own personal feeling about the impact on me. And how others might see me, talk about me and what I had done, and there might be no ability for me to discuss that.

But my SI is incredibly strong right now, and I'm loosing the ability to care about any protective factors or people who have meaning in my life that my death might impact on them. Not even my recent acquisition of a rescue cat has given me enough reasons to stay alive. He is a great cat, funny, sweet, playful but not a hugely cuddly cat nor is he in tune to times when I need comforting. Pets are such a comfort in times of mental illness because they don't argue back, they listen for a festive without judgement, and give love unconditionally.

You last paragraph about suicidal ideation pain being minimised is something I could easily write a novel on. It was intimated to me on my admission to hospital this time that I was only having thoughts of suicide, not actually acting on them, so it was considered a lesser 'crime'. Yet, if I act on those thoughts, I would considered as attention seeking & manipulative.

And my purpose is here too, in the forums, and why it was important to apply for CG. I actually had no intention initially, but I was gently coerced by some friendly emails. But right now, the forums are tricky to be around. I really need them, I like helping others, but right now it doesn't feel comfortable or helpful.

Thanks @Former-Member. You don't realise how much sharing some of your story has helped me, as it's not something that is easy to discuss. I'm sorry that despite your little sister's history of mental illness, it hasn't brought you closer. I'm really, really glad that you are here, and for me, you are more than enough. 💗💝💟

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi all. I come with a working phone.

@Former-Member I have been thinking of you lots this afternoon hoping you are feeling ok enough after the bucket.

Big thoughts to all.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear. I just want to say again how much I appreciate you and value your support. You mentioned yesterday that there was some stuff you wanted to talk through but your words were being uncooperative. I will have my listening eyes ready whenever you are able to talk about it and if you’re not, I will just be here to sit with you in those big feelings, knowing how majorly tricky it all is. 🌷

I’m still so super proud of you for deleting the app from your phone the other night—especially given your judgement at the time was perhaps ever so slightly wonky. It really is very impressive. 😊 The breaking/dying of the phone though, is not so great. You didn’t drop it in the toilet the other night, did you? 😁 All jokes aside, I understand how much anxiety would be exploding around not having a phone, for safety reasons alone, so I really hope it is an easy and quick fix or replace (and that it is still under warranty).

I’m scrolling back through the last few days of posts, finding all the things I wanted to comment on … so please excuse the jumping-all-over-the-place nature of this post. (Though to be fair, that is generally how my brain works—or doesn’t work as the case may be.)

You said the other day that you were (and I quote) ‘slooooow’. You absolutely do not come across as slow at all. You are so articulate (and your posts are grammatically correct with accurate spelling—a sure-fire way into my good books) and your responses are always intelligent. You are super smart, @CheerBear. 🦄

I really hope your yucky appointment went okay on Friday. I’m not asking questions, just hoping all is as okay as it can be.

I saw my support facilitator (SF) on Friday afternoon. She is super, SUPER bubbly—basically the polar opposite of me. She walked in and was doing her usual bounce off the walls thing when I told her about the bus. Okay, I’m going to try to tell the super-condensed version of my week so this makes sense (although I’m pretty sure I missed out on the condensability gene). On Tuesday, my SF came to the GP with me (the GP who is very new, very unhelpful and who I really don’t like) so we could get the NDIS form filled out, which was the last piece of the NDIS application puzzle. I was dreading that appointment but it went okayish and was over fairly quickly. Afterwards we went back to my SF’s office, compiled the application and submitted it (not something I was expecting would happen on Tuesday). We emailed the application and also posted a hard copy, which we sent registered post. The idea of people seeing (and judging—because that is the point) all of those awful documents is super scary and I felt particularly unwell thinking about putting them in the mail. It felt super unsafe. On Wednesday, I checked the tracking number and the parcel was still showing as sitting at the post office. The next day, the same thing. That is when I really started to panic. Alarm bells. Bus approaching super fast. Parcel lost. Parcel in someone else’s hands. Parcel fallen off back of truck and spilled open across road. I emailed my SF and got radio silence. So when I walked into the appointment on Friday, shaking like a leaf because the parcel was apparently still sitting at the post office, I looked at her as she bubbled all over the place and just said ‘you know the NDIS parcel is missing, right?’ Instant bubble squisher (the email I sent had been blocked so she didn't know). She immediately made several phone calls to chase it up and apparently from their end, it is in transit. I’m grateful she made the calls I couldn’t make, but I don’t feel reassured at all. The tracking system is still telling me it’s at the post office (and we know it has left there, so where is it??). It feels like a giant poisonous cherry, plopped on top of giant four-month-long mess of a situation. It feels like a bus roaring towards me, ready to take me out. The idea of the right people reading those documents is bad enough, but anyone else … I am so not coping. I think that's why it was so easy to fall into such a dark place last night. Anyway, maybe it’s not a bus that is heading for me, maybe it’s a massive Australia Post B-double. 🙁

I know you can’t talk details, but your matching ink mission made me smile. It is such a tangible way of feeling connected when you can’t be together. My heart hurt lots reading about post big bang disruptions and the abundant laugh-crying of your catch-up. I’m glad there was music. 😊 I want you to know that I think about the big feelings and messes and and trickiness you face, even though you can’t talk much about things … a bit like an unspoken conversation I guess (but in an uncreepy way). 🌷


🐌 Since I started drafting this post all those hours ago, I’ve seen you popping up around the place. I hope this bodes well for the phone situation?

@CheerBear, you really are awesome. I hope today has been okay for you and the LF. Thank you again for your support and thank you for being you. 🌷🦄

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member thank you for your post that gave me lots of smiles and feels ☺

haha re the toilet and phone thing. I thought something similar yesterday when it really started mucking up. I wondered if perhaps I did drop it in the loo (I'm fairly sure I didn't though) 😉 It was a massive pain today, in so many ways. The very first being the anxiety that happens when, as you mentioned for safety reasons, I can't connect with anyone. My brain goes bang. Long story short, it was going to take 1-2 weeks to be looked at and maybe not fixed anyway as it has been dropped, so I had to tap into an emergency reserve I really didn't need to be tapping in to at all, to replace it. My phone, with all that it needs to do, is essential. I didn't get anything fancy at all but enough for what I need. It took hours and was incredibly stessful and hard with the LF, but action bear came through for me ☺ It has some great emojis. Still no good bear, but I have a goat now 🐐

Thank you also for your seriously kind, sensitive and lovely comments bookish. You give me warm fuzzies and I really appreciate them. I also really appreciate the idea of the unspoken conversation thing and 'feel' it here often. So many things that can't be said, but maybe don't need to be said, to be understood. I think that's so cool 😊

As for your bus - that is a massive truck ☹ I felt the fear and panic thinking of that document going missing while I was reading your reply. It sucks so much to have to tell a story about yourself (and read other people's yucky stories about you) in a certain way where so much 'good' is missed and not able to be said. It sucks to have to tell it to people that you don't want to and shouldn't have to tell it to. And it is absolutely, completely not ok for a story that you don't want to tell or share to be riding on a what seems to be a wonky truck that you can't trust (understandably). Sharing stories I didn't want to ever have had to share, to people I didn't want to have ever shared them with, and to an audience I can never be sure of, is big time part of my banana head. So much ugh bookish 🙁 The unexpected submitting of the document on Tuesday would have probably sent my world into a spin on it's own. I truly am so incredibly impressed that you are still standing after having gone through the whole process so far. Thank you for sharing what is happening for you.

What happens next and how long do you think until you hear anything? If you don't mind sharing, and with apologies for my total lack of knowledge about this one, and if you've mentioned it before.

I may have spat out some tea at a giggle at the condensability gene. I never had an issue hitting the minimum word count on essays (and all who know me here fall off their chairs in surprise at that I am sure 😉)

I really do hope you're doing ok-ish/ok-enough-ish after stuff. I am quietly going to say that I am not standing back, though I respect that others need to and will. What I am doing is waiting (maybe quietly) for a while, and carefully considering any steps I take to make sure they feel right. This all matters so much. You and your feelings and thoughts matter.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

You know, @CheerBear, I think action goat has some real potential. 🐐😁

Yep, 83 pages of super personal, super sensitive, icky story cruising around somewhere on a wonky truck (or in a ditch somewhere, who knows). Thank you for getting it.

No need to apologise about asking questions about NDIS-mess—no one really has any idea what is going on and is just stumbling around in the dark. What happens next is the waiting place. No idea how long it will take. Some applications have taken weeks (many weeks) to get an answer, while others have been approved within days when the form is incomplete. It’s definitely a mixed bag. I’m not holding my breath. What I’m waiting for at this stage is a yes or no. If it’s a yes, then I have to wait for a planning meeting which can take months. If it’s a no, then technically the next step is to ask for a review; however it is apparently easier to just submit a new application. So make no changes, just submit the same application a second time. Generally it will be looked at by someone different and approved. What a system, right? (Yep, it’s a total joke.) After this week, my SF is on leave until the new year, so part of me kind of hopes it takes a while, even if it is a yes. (Someone will be filling in for her but … new people. 😕)

My SF mentioned to me again on Friday that it would be really good if I could provide some feedback on the horrendousness of this process—after I have finished being drowned by it and am back on solid ground. I definitely will at some stage. It is all so very wrong.

Not standing back means a lot and I really like your careful, considered approach. Spilling my feelings earlier was a little (big) thing and not at all directed where it needed to be, but it was what I could manage today. (I drafted it last night, but waited to review it this morning before posting it. The patient approach is smart, but super hard. I nearly chickened out.) I’m feeling okayish enough for now, thank you—a lot better than last night. 🌷

I’m glad you have a new phone but sorry it took a big bite out of your emergency reserve. 🙁 I hope the coming week will be a good one for you and the LF. Thank you for making me feel super heard, super supported and super validated. 🌷

(Small things, small minds … super herd 🐐🐐🐐🐐🐐 ... 😁 Oh dear, I think I’ve really lost it now.)

Goodnight, @CheerBear. I hope you get some sleep. 🌷🦄

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hahaha I am logging off for the night with a big laugh at the action goats @Former-Member 🐐🐐🐐 You have them too 😁

I'll be back with a proper reply when it is not kick myself off the forum o'clock. Hope you sleep (not inserting a well here) tonight. Or at the least have some kind of restful moments.

You did so well today 🐐🌸

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Ps I am so slow I only just got the whole super "herd"

I am seriously laughing a lot now 😂

Goodnight

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hehehe. You've got me seriously laughing too now, @CheerBear. 😁

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