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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
@Teej, thank you for your kind words. You definitely belong here. It is kind people like you who bring the ‘wonderful’ to this place. I really appreciate that you took the time to make me feel heard. 🌷
@Faith-and-Hope, thank you for your kindness and support, too—today and last night. 🌷
@CheerBear, no phone sounds very not good. 😕 I hope you get it sorted as quickly and painlessly as is possible. I know you probably won’t get this any time soon, but I am going to write a proper reply now (although my drafting process may take a while). 🐌🌷
In response to: I'm in a nest
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Former-Member - I follow this thread regularly, as I have been following the forum land muddle that is currently going on. And reading your recent post about being ridiculed & judged has me hurting physically and on the edge of tears. This forum I came to because I saw in it people that were kind, caring and non judgemental. Sadly, that doesn't appear to be situation of late. So I too have done 2 things. 1.Taken a very big step back (more than I've done in the last few days) , and 2. I'm even more careful that the words I post are considered, validating and gentle.
So for you to feel you need to justify yourself when someone says you are a lesser person because you don't have children is wrong , very wrong. I don't have children either, I'm 47 now and pre menopausal, so my eggs are cooked anyway. But whether to have children or not, regardless of your sexual orientation, is an extremely personal choice. And no one has the right to judge based on those choices. I decided on not having children at a very early age, because my childhood was incredibly traumatic, messed up and I didn't want any of my icky, messed up mind genes passed on to my children.
I'm so terribly sorry for how you've been treated of late. Im glad you feel safe enough here in the nest to vent those feelings. I agree with @Faith-and-Hope that pain is pain, we all have the right to be validated and respected, and that every individual, with their unique qualities, feelings, characteristics matter in this world. If we were all the same, no one suffered, life would be peachy keen, but incredibly boring.
I really, really like you @Former-Member. This is not a cheap platitude to make you feel better. I like you for your intelligence, for your thoughtful, kind words for just being unique and you.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Thank you so much, @Sans911. I’m sorry my post was upsetting. I haven’t been here that long but recently things really seem to have gone amiss and it makes me sad that people no longer feel safe or comfortable here. Everyone is taking a step back, even though we need support more than ever. 🙁
I’m sorry to read that you also had a traumatic childhood and were in a similar boat of not wanting to pass on icky, messed up mind genes (but I have huge respect for that decision). Thank you for sharing that with me. It is extremely validating.
I’ve read bits of your story over the past few months, and I really wish things were brighter in your world. I haven’t responded on your threads because I am definitely not a ‘glass half full’ person and when people need hope I feel like I am the last person that should contribute (I’ve been dealing with daily suicidal ideation/intention for more than 30 years—I don’t have hope or even know where to find it). I always worry I will make a bad situation worse. But I do care, even when I’m quiet.
Thank you for your kind words and for making me feel heard. Take care, @Sans911. You matter to me and a lot of other people here. I hope you get to go home soon. 🌷
In response to: I'm in a nest
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Former-Member - can I ask a question regarding your suicidal ideation? I just don't want to trigger you, so if it's something you prefer not to discuss, I will understand.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Unknown userMember
Re: I'm in a nest
Of course you can, @Sans911. (But I really appreciate that you asked me first.)
In response to: I'm in a nest
MaggieSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Former-Member💔💔💔
In response to: I'm in a nest
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Former-Member - how do you deal with your SI on a daily basis? You say you have no hope, so what keeps you going most days? What gives you purpose or reasons to carry on? 30 years is a really long time; your SI must be a bit like an annoying friend that you just can't get rid of, despite your best efforts.
In response to: I'm in a nest
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Without wanting to break up the current track ..... just wanted to pop in here and say thank you to both of you for sharing so much of your life stories ...... it is a vulnerable thing to do, but it also very brave, and it helps us to get to know and understand each other better ......
Would love any of you to press pause for me any time you feel I need to stop and reconsider anything I have written ......
@Former-Member@Sans911 ..... anyone else around .....
In response to: I'm in a nest
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@Faith-and-Hope why would I press the pause button for you, or what you have written. Never have I or would I contemplate it. I have often admired your posts for your thoughtful, kind words 💖💗💟💝
Don't ever stop being you.
In response to: I'm in a nest
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thanks @Sans911 ...... that is comforting ..... just saying that we are a totally mixed bag of people from all different walks of life, and there are times on the forums where it goes a bit wonky, and as you have observed ...... most people tend to step back a bit.
None of us is infallible though, and if I ever do say something that jars the ears, please press pause on me and let me know .....
A little FYI here ..... I had a grandma with undiagnosed mi ...... one of her daughters who was a nurse told me she thought it was bipolar, rather than schizophrenia, which was what most people presumed. In any case, that was an era where so much less was known, with very little treatment or education available.
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