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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hiya @Former-Member ☺

How's your afternoon going?

I laughed at the app missing on my phone today when I went to wander around the forum. I remember getting what felt like very wise advice from @Phoenix_Rising last night that was something about not posting, and after that I deleted the app to make it hard to come online, which worked. It's a cool new trick I have (which considering how often nights like last night happen for me, I probably won't need again for a long time, but it is there anyway) 😆

We went on our mission and it felt good thanks 😊 It was a matching ink one to mark a big event. They offered as it was something we've been wanting for ages and they have the means to be able to go on random missions like today which felt right (possibly in some kind of not so clear headed agreement we made last night haha). It is also our way of being together all the time, even when we are not. I don't talk much of these people here as I don't want to be found and it also hurts lots as the bing bang caused big disruption, made connection hard, and has increased distance (in more ways than one). It has also dramatically decreased the amount of these people who are around, but it has made the ones who are still here closer in a way, as our time together is not taken as for granted maybe. I don't know. It sort of all sucks a bit. They're sad and I am sad and there was lots and lots of laugh-crying. And music. Lots of music ☺

Big feelings in lots of ways. Better out sometimes than in though 😉

Thanks for listening. Hope the day has been ok for you 🌈

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Terrible timing with my post above @Former-Member, after I just visited a room over that way ➡. So sorry 🙁 If you would like to talk it over and you think it could help, please do. Thinking of you

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Never terrible timing, @CheerBear. I'm always happy to hear from you and always happy to read messages of kindness and not ones filled with hate that trigger panic attacks. 🙁 When said panic attack passes a bit more, I will maybe write something. I'm feeling really not good right now, but also have some nice heart feels sneaking in there about matching ink. I will try to write more when I calm down. Thank you for being here and being you, @CheerBear. I super like and super appreciate you. 🌷

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I really really like you @Former-Member, and like so many of us are very keen on doing what we can to make sure the community is safe and supportive. Please don't hesitate to ask for support from us here or behind the scenes if you think it could help. But hugely respect that you're very capable of making your way through big feelings however you need to, too. Sending my best counter the yuck feelings to you right now 💚🌸🌈🦄

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Greetings to all in the nest. Thank you so much to everyone who offered me support last night. I’m sorry I couldn’t hang around, but things went downhill after the panic attack and it was safer for me not to be here, and safer for everyone else.

I’ve decided to do a nest bucket-vent-disposal procedure—although this isn’t what I have been wanting to get off my chest (after last night, that will have to wait). This will be long and boring and I don’t expect anyone to read it. I just need to get it out and I have no one else to talk to. I feel quite sick about posting this, but I need to do something.

Okay, here goes…

*finds an extra-large bucket and lets her thoughts and feelings fall in*

Last night was one of the worst nights I’ve had in a while (which is saying something). My big feelings around the forum changes have, up until now, been based mostly around my concern for the welfare of other members. Now I am concerned for myself on the forums, too.

I’m not going to talk about the forum changes or my big feelings around those. What I need to get out right now are some of my big feelings about the judgemental and hate-filled posts that triggered a panic attack (and all that followed) for me last night.

Some of the messages I’ve received from the forum in the last couple of days:

I am a lesser person because I don’t have children. In fact, not only am I lesser, I remain a child and it is a luxury.

Secondly, I am a second class citizen who is not fit to be parent.

Apparently these messages are fine and appropriate.

Also, I should not be offended by hateful messages if they come from the mouth (so to speak) of someone with a mental illness, because they’re probably not really hateful.

I’m sorry, but hate is hate, and it should not be directed at other members (and it is when it is posted on the forums for other members to trip up on).

And I’m sorry, but these messages are not okay.

(I’m familiar with the concept of ‘intention versus impact’ — I use it a lot to move past the hurtful and invalidating things that are constantly said to me. Sometimes people mean well, but they cause harm. Sometimes, due to bigger issues or when overwhelmed by big feelings, people say things that don’t come out quite right. However, one of those messages in particular was not a case of poor wording, but downright discrimination, whichever way you look at it.)

I shouldn’t have to, but I feel the need to defend myself and stand up for myself.

A bit of my story … I was parentified at the age of four. I never actually got to be a child. So no, I don’t remain a child because I don’t have children. I raised three siblings (as a ‘child’ myself) and also supported a mentally ill parent. I have done my time as a parent (and to some degree I am still in that role). I am NOT a lesser person.

The reason I don’t have children is because, as my mental health continued to deteriorate, I made the decision not to have children. I could see that having children would be a selfish act on my part, because a) I was struggling to care for myself, let alone anyone else, and b) I didn’t want to pass on this treatment-resistant illness—no one deserves this. I had a hysterectomy at the age of 28 to be sure it wouldn’t happen. It was a difficult decision (I wanted kids) but I stand by it—I believe it was a selfless decision. (Such a decision is not right for everyone, but it was right for me.)

Being totally alone with no family, no support and no protective factors is NOT a luxury. Just because a person doesn’t have children doesn’t mean they are unable to understand and appreciate the role and responsibilities of a parent. It doesn’t mean they haven’t shouldered those responsibilities.

My choice to not have children has nothing to do with the fact that I am gay. Being gay does NOT make me a second class citizen. LGBTQIA people are people. We are entitled to the same rights as everyone else and our gender identity and/or sexuality has no bearing on our ability to raise children. Hateful, discriminatory comments like this contribute to the alarmingly high suicide rates in the LGBTQIA community and should have no place in what is supposed to be a safe peer-support community for people with mental health issues.

These hateful and hurtful comments come on the back of months of a government sanctioned debate about whether I am indeed a second class citizen and whether I am entitled to equal rights—as well as months of a hate campaign this debate invited.

They also come on the back of four months of working on, and being traumatised by, my NDIS application. It was a process that involved a bunch of health professionals writing reports about just how useless I am and how I always will be. Then I got to write one myself. I also got to trawl through hundreds of pages of hospital records, and the many judgemental, hurtful and sometimes plain wrong comments and details they contained. All this because I am unable to access help through the public mental health system (I fall through the massive gap in the middle) and this is the only hope I have of being able to access therapy that might a) enable me to survive, and b) perhaps one day lead to my being able to live a meaningful life (and perhaps eventually I might experience—even just for one day—what it is like to not want to be dead).

So yes, right now I am feeling a bit fragile. I am feeling a bit worn down by all of the people everywhere telling me that I am lesser, that I am second class, that I am useless and defective and always will be. But that doesn’t make the hate okay. At all.

These are just a couple of examples that really got to me and had a very negative impact on me last night. There has been a lot more hate and judgement and prejudice spilling across the forums that I know is affecting others. It’s also really hard to watch other people being hurt by it.

Perhaps I was foolish to think I could participate on a moderated mental health-focused forum with an expectation of respect and some level of safety. I am so grateful for the the amazing, kind, compassionate, intelligent people (and turtles) I have ‘met’ here. I am so grateful for the connection I am experiencing for the first time in a very long time. I am not coping at all with the rest of it.

Thank you to anyone who read this boring essay-vent. I’ve not tagged anyone because these are my icky big feelings and I don’t expect anyone to read them—and I don’t expect a response. (By the way, if anyone wants to spew some more hate at me, please don’t bother. Also, if anyone wants to invalidate my feelings and experience, again, please don’t.)

*picks up the heavy vent-filled bucket, staggers to the edge of the nest and tosses the contents over and away*

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member my heart hurts in a huge huge way as I read and listened to every word of your post. I am so incredibly sorry that you have been hurt in the way you have and I understand, feel, hear and see every single one of the words you have shared.

I have been sitting quiet and now I want to speak. I was with you all afternoon and into the night, even though you may not have seen me. I struggled enormously with my own internal conflict over what is expression and what is offensive, discriminatory, hateful and not ok. What I see as being those things, I understand others do not, however I am holding on firmly to my belief that they are also. I am with you bookish.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you, @CheerBear. I caught glimpses of you yesterday and was super grateful for your presence and quiet support. (I also know you’re here, even when you’re not.) Thank you for your listening eyes. My level of distress has definitely been heightened by hearing from several people that some of this was flagged but deemed appropriate. I suspect my having a response will be deemed inappropriate. This has all had a really negative impact and was still eating away at me so I risked posting about it. I am sure I will regret it. I am so concerned that kind, open-minded, intelligent people are second-guessing every word they post on here. It makes me really sad. Honestly, if it wasn’t for a handful of super-amazing people (care bears, turtles and flutterbies), I would be walking away.

Anyway, I want to write a proper reply to you (the reply that got squashed by a bus last night). I am going to step away from the computer for a little while, but will come back.

I hope you are okay(ish), @CheerBear. I seriously can not thank you enough for being you. 🌷🦄

P.S. I made sure I didn’t spill any of my icky big feelings on the floor of the nest; it all went in the bucket and over the side. Thank you for letting me let it out in the nest (and sorry for letting it out here).

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Former-Member. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced those hurtful things. I am really truly sorry judgements were written that impacted you so greatly. I haven’t been on the forum much but have read a few posts that have surprised me. Unfortunately forumland has gone through, and does go through, very difficult patches sometimes. I’m not saying this to justify anything that happened to you but to give you hope that it will be calmer and more gentle again soon. I have always been very conscious of comparing our lives and mi, partly because I have often felt I didn’t belong here because my experiences and mi is different. I think it’s our diversity of experiences that make this place very special and I for one most definitely don’t want to lose you here. I wanted to write to you to say I hear you and am sorry that this has happened to you. Thinking of you and sending best wishes 💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I am so glad you let that out and think it is so important to have a place to be able to @Former-Member. I can imagine that was scary feeling. Even if things spill onto the floor, we have mops. Lots of them 😉

I hear and believe words about the importance of not letting things bubble away. Thank you for being brave and not letting things bubble away.

I too am stepping away. Partially because I know big feelings do not = calm words, and I am getting a lot of practice in at waiting until I have calm words (and it is driving me batty as it feels like bubbling away). The other big part is that as of half an hour ago, I have no phone anymore and therefore won't be able to get notifications or be on the forum unless I am on my laptop/tablet so this might be my last post for quite a few hours. (I also have no bank, no email, no phone to use in case of emergencies, no lots of things - I want to yell but instead will find a way to fix this).

Thank you, big huge lots, for being you. Please don't ever stop being you.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Former-Member .......

So glad that you did vent into the bucket ...... but please don't be in a hurry to throw the contents over the side of the nest ...... unless it can transform into a readable banner for a while .......

What you have said matters ....... and it moderates what you have reacted to, which may have passed the guidelines in the form it was presented, but that didn't mean it was in a good form ...... just written in a way that passed muster in the moment .......

Whatever our sexual preferences and value systems, it doesn't prevent us being greatly pained, and responses that lash out in any form, I think I can safely say are pain responses ...... and your pain response is not a lash out ...... it is carefully considered and highly articulate ...... and valid.

Everybody here matters ....... everybody's pain matters ....... and the banner will help adjust the nature of how things are expressed - because dignity and respect have to be moved to the front and centre of what is expressed here.

I value the edit button available to us on the desktop and iPad versions of the posting boxes, because it offers us the chance to rewrite our posts if we find that we have expressed something in the heat of pain, fear, anger ...... or anything other triggering emotion in such a way that is received as lacking in respect or dignity towards others and how they choose to invest in their communications and recovery.

Understanding where someone is coming from is not justifying how they expressed themselves ...... it's just an attempt to flag it and press a pause button ...... a pause long enough for other expressions, such as yours, to highlight what is registering as offensive ..... in the hope that it will be edited to a response more in tune with the pain it actually represents ....... without the lash included.
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