Greetings to all in the nest. Thank you so much to everyone who offered me support last night. I’m sorry I couldn’t hang around, but things went downhill after the panic attack and it was safer for me not to be here, and safer for everyone else.
I’ve decided to do a nest bucket-vent-disposal procedure—although this isn’t what I have been wanting to get off my chest (after last night, that will have to wait). This will be long and boring and I don’t expect anyone to read it. I just need to get it out and I have no one else to talk to. I feel quite sick about posting this, but I need to do something.
Okay, here goes…
*finds an extra-large bucket and lets her thoughts and feelings fall in*
Last night was one of the worst nights I’ve had in a while (which is saying something). My big feelings around the forum changes have, up until now, been based mostly around my concern for the welfare of other members. Now I am concerned for myself on the forums, too.
I’m not going to talk about the forum changes or my big feelings around those. What I need to get out right now are some of my big feelings about the judgemental and hate-filled posts that triggered a panic attack (and all that followed) for me last night.
Some of the messages I’ve received from the forum in the last couple of days:
I am a lesser person because I don’t have children. In fact, not only am I lesser, I remain a child and it is a luxury.
Secondly, I am a second class citizen who is not fit to be parent.
Apparently these messages are fine and appropriate.
Also, I should not be offended by hateful messages if they come from the mouth (so to speak) of someone with a mental illness, because they’re probably not really hateful.
I’m sorry, but hate is hate, and it should not be directed at other members (and it is when it is posted on the forums for other members to trip up on).
And I’m sorry, but these messages are not okay.
(I’m familiar with the concept of ‘intention versus impact’ — I use it a lot to move past the hurtful and invalidating things that are constantly said to me. Sometimes people mean well, but they cause harm. Sometimes, due to bigger issues or when overwhelmed by big feelings, people say things that don’t come out quite right. However, one of those messages in particular was not a case of poor wording, but downright discrimination, whichever way you look at it.)
I shouldn’t have to, but I feel the need to defend myself and stand up for myself.
A bit of my story … I was parentified at the age of four. I never actually got to be a child. So no, I don’t remain a child because I don’t have children. I raised three siblings (as a ‘child’ myself) and also supported a mentally ill parent. I have done my time as a parent (and to some degree I am still in that role). I am NOT a lesser person.
The reason I don’t have children is because, as my mental health continued to deteriorate, I made the decision not to have children. I could see that having children would be a selfish act on my part, because a) I was struggling to care for myself, let alone anyone else, and b) I didn’t want to pass on this treatment-resistant illness—no one deserves this. I had a hysterectomy at the age of 28 to be sure it wouldn’t happen. It was a difficult decision (I wanted kids) but I stand by it—I believe it was a selfless decision. (Such a decision is not right for everyone, but it was right for me.)
Being totally alone with no family, no support and no protective factors is NOT a luxury. Just because a person doesn’t have children doesn’t mean they are unable to understand and appreciate the role and responsibilities of a parent. It doesn’t mean they haven’t shouldered those responsibilities.
My choice to not have children has nothing to do with the fact that I am gay. Being gay does NOT make me a second class citizen. LGBTQIA people are people. We are entitled to the same rights as everyone else and our gender identity and/or sexuality has no bearing on our ability to raise children. Hateful, discriminatory comments like this contribute to the alarmingly high suicide rates in the LGBTQIA community and should have no place in what is supposed to be a safe peer-support community for people with mental health issues.
These hateful and hurtful comments come on the back of months of a government sanctioned debate about whether I am indeed a second class citizen and whether I am entitled to equal rights—as well as months of a hate campaign this debate invited.
They also come on the back of four months of working on, and being traumatised by, my NDIS application. It was a process that involved a bunch of health professionals writing reports about just how useless I am and how I always will be. Then I got to write one myself. I also got to trawl through hundreds of pages of hospital records, and the many judgemental, hurtful and sometimes plain wrong comments and details they contained. All this because I am unable to access help through the public mental health system (I fall through the massive gap in the middle) and this is the only hope I have of being able to access therapy that might a) enable me to survive, and b) perhaps one day lead to my being able to live a meaningful life (and perhaps eventually I might experience—even just for one day—what it is like to not want to be dead).
So yes, right now I am feeling a bit fragile. I am feeling a bit worn down by all of the people everywhere telling me that I am lesser, that I am second class, that I am useless and defective and always will be. But that doesn’t make the hate okay. At all.
These are just a couple of examples that really got to me and had a very negative impact on me last night. There has been a lot more hate and judgement and prejudice spilling across the forums that I know is affecting others. It’s also really hard to watch other people being hurt by it.
Perhaps I was foolish to think I could participate on a moderated mental health-focused forum with an expectation of respect and some level of safety. I am so grateful for the the amazing, kind, compassionate, intelligent people (and turtles) I have ‘met’ here. I am so grateful for the connection I am experiencing for the first time in a very long time. I am not coping at all with the rest of it.
Thank you to anyone who read this boring essay-vent. I’ve not tagged anyone because these are my icky big feelings and I don’t expect anyone to read them—and I don’t expect a response. (By the way, if anyone wants to spew some more hate at me, please don’t bother. Also, if anyone wants to invalidate my feelings and experience, again, please don’t.)
*picks up the heavy vent-filled bucket, staggers to the edge of the nest and tosses the contents over and away*