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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I can’t speak for anyone else @Former-Member, but I wasn’t talking about anything you said. You’re allowed to be angry, by the way. There are way too many unhelpful ‘helping’ people in the mental health field. 🙁

We haven’t officially met … hi. 🙂 I hope you’re having an okayish night. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi anybody who is still around in the nest ......

Good to see you @Former-Member ♥️

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Morning in the nest.

@Phoenix_Rising I love that I feel like you are here even when you are not also. Things are hard and feelings are big. I'm hearing you and feeling my version of it also. Thank you for stopping past last night. It made me feel less alone in my giant melt. Sorry sleep was tricky for you last night 😞

@Former-Member it really is good to see you. I wasn't talking about anything you've said either and I am fairly confident that the last few posts were about other stuff going on. It sucks so incredibly much when things are not better/worse after working with professionals. I am angry and hurt with my own experiences of this at the moment and it is making things really tough for me. Much tougher than they should be. Like bookish said, I too think it's totally ok to feel angry 5-HT. There are lots of people who feel it also. I am feeling it with you.

@Former-Member big thank you for being you. You're saying things at the moment that I can't find words for. You're making a difference bookish, I really can feel it. I don't know if that's something that is up on your lists of wants to do, but I see it.

@Sans911 - it was really cool to see you about yesterday/last night. I've been catching little bits of where you're at at the moment, and understand things are really tough for you. I hope the respite centre is helpful for you.

@Faith-and-Hope 💗

Hope today has something good in it for everyone. Crossing my fingers.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest. I am doing a quick fly-over Forum Land this morning and then fully intend to head off to my volunteering gig. I feel horrendous...but less horrendous than this time last week.

@Former-Member I'm really sorry that you were feeling that any posts here in the nest were directed at you or about you in some way. I can guarantee you that none of mine have been. There was an incident in Forum Land last week that was not navigated as well as it might have been and I and some others are still very much struggling with the fallout from that. That is what I have mostly been talking about here in the nest recently. I have also been talking a bit about my struggle with the fact that someone has made some unhelpful comments about some of the coping strategies I use to cope with my particular muddle. Again, this is totally unrelated to anything you have said anywhere.

As the others said, anger is a perfectly ok emotion @Former-Member. I have wanted to contribute to the thread you started but I simply haven't been in the headspace to do so. I am really glad that others have been supporting you there though. I am currently having some really big angry feelings, which coincidentally are also directed towards some mental health professionals. I do hope to contribute to the thread you started, at some point.

@CheerBear I listened to the Gruffalo this morning and it super made me giggle. Yep, that one is going on the playlist!

@Former-Member I hope today is an ok day for you. The mere fact that you are my yimaisly acquaintance should make it an awesome day.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @Phoenix_Rising. I am very glad to hear you are feeling less horrendous than this time last week. I remember this morning last week very well, and feel that any more horrendous than this time last week would be pretty dire. In saying that, horrendous is still horrendous and that sucks. I hope the volunteering gig feels ok enough enough for you today. Big well done to you for getting up and out to it. You are awesome ☺

Changing the world is very hard and seems so slow sometimes Phoenix_Rising. I am with you even when I am not (and often feeling/thinking lots of similar things even when I don't say it) while this one is worked through.

I so wish you could hear us reading that one.

Kind of funny, I had this moment last night where I realised I had no idea what a yimaisly acquaintance was. I took to Google. Google led me to p.(forgot-the-number) of a place called Riding a Wave where I worked it out haha. It made me laugh a lot.

I'm off to a yucky medical appointment this morning. I will carry a tiny turtle (who will close their eyes and who I trust only has ears for things that are ok to hear) unashamedly, because it helps me to get through and it doesn't hurt anyone else. That feels right to me ☺

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest. I’m going to write more but I really wanted to say that I laughed when I read your post about googling ‘yimaisly’, @CheerBear. I laughed because when @Phoenix_Rising first wrote it, I did the same thing. 😊 I got no hits though (still too fresh apparently) so I went back to the post and figured it eventually. I felt very silly (in a kind, laugh-at-myself-in-my-silliness way). I feel much better knowing you did the same thing (granted you had nothing to go off at all … I was just slow). 😁

This connection thing (as super hard as it sometimes because my brain is broken and my heart is big and fragile) really does make my days much nicer. 🌷

Thank you all for being you. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear, I hope your appointment is as okayish as it can be and that it is out of the way quickly and that the rest of your day is much, much nicer. 🌷

Making a difference is definitely on my list of wants to do (it even made it into the goals in my NDIS impact letter) but right now I feel like I am totally failing at that. I am so scared of everything and so broken that I can’t work, I can’t volunteer, I can’t even talk to people. I had a lecturer at uni last year who got me motivated to ‘change the world’ (in those words) with my writing. She really believed in me and helped me believe (a teensy tiny bit) in my myself and my ability to write and make a difference (around mental health in particular). And I feel like I am failing at that too. But if I think ‘glass half full’ (which I am decidedly bad at, but I’ll try) I guess I am ‘writing’ here and you are telling it is making a difference, so I will count that as something. Thank you for telling me @CheerBear because I find it really hard to see those things myself. Oh yep, and here are the tears. 🙁

I’m sorry sleep was so tricky last night, @Phoenix_Rising and that it is all still so hard. I hope today’s ‘doing’ will make the horrendous feeling a little bit smaller and quieter, even just for a little while. You are amazing, just as you are and because you are you—please don’t forget that. (And if you do, please come back here so we can remind you.) 🌷

@Zoe7, I'm glad everyone's 100% success rate is still intact. We all deserve so much credit for that. (Sorry to respond here and not over there.) If you want to borrow a gorgeous, super-soft cushion for the top of your rock stack, let me know. 🙂 I wish things were easier for you (and all of us), @Zoe7. 🙁 🌷

I have been trying to write about what has been going on for me this week, but am failing miserably. I will keep trying. There is a very large bus roaring towards me right now and I feel very icky about the imminent squishedness. I tried to get some support from my support facilitator yesterday but my reaching out wasn’t acknowledged at all (this is why I so rarely ask for help or support—because my requests almost always go unanswered or are rejected and that makes me feel so much worse). I have an appointment with her this afternoon so maybe she can help me with the bus situation, though I fear there is nothing that can be done. 😕

I hope the day is kind (or at least kind-ish) to you all. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I wish things were easier for us all too @Former-Member

I'm just going to put a few cones along the road here so the bus has to slow down to get around them - hopefully that will help keep the bus away from you for a bit longer @Former-Member

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

You are making a difference here @Former-Member ..... to me anyway .... and I can hear for others too ......

♥️

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks, @Zoe7. I really hope that works (but I'm super scared it won't). 🙁

(I did giggle though when I scrolled down to see your 'few' cones.) 🙂

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