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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear @Phoenix_Rising

At least if I attach the melted snow flakey banana head (do you realise how many times I had to scroll up to get those words in order) to the image it actually softens the blow- pardon the pun!

BTW, I enjoy following this thread. It's actually intellectually stimulating and funny at the same time.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

And sorry, that's definitely not discounting the seriousness of your struggles at all.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Sans911 I had no sense at all that you were discounting the seriousness of the struggles.

@CheerBear I laugh-cry a lot...but I never knew it was called laugh crying until you used the term.

K used to make me laugh-cry all the time. She had a very bad habit of giggling at really inappropriate moments. It was initally a problem in our relationship because I felt super invalidated at times. However, we talked about it and she acknowledged that giggling was the way she coped with anxiety and yes, she knew it wasn't a great attribute in a counsellor.

So after that, there were lots of times where I would be super distressed, K would start giggling, and her giggling would make me laugh-cry. I'd be like "K, it's not funny. I am in super crisis here and the fact that I'm laughing doesn't mean it's ok." My turtle whisperer does the same thing - it is definitely one of the things she has in common with K. I find laugh-crying super helpful for dealing with big feelings.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I am starting to super super super struggle again. I had thought that we were going to make more progress on the Forum Land muddle today, than appears to be happening. I am super struggling with waiting...especially when I don't know how long I need to wait for. Yesterday it felt like unmuddling the muddle was going to be a super important priority. Today it doesn't feel like that at all. This is so so so SO hard.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I am super super super struggling with the Forum Land muddle and I am also super super struggling with the fact that someone in Forum Land is making negative comments about snuggling in a mountain of soft toys. @Former-Member would you like to come to the inner sanctum of the underwater cave with me and we can practice challenging shame feelings together??? I would super like @CheerBear to come too but I am not sure if she is around (even though I know she is always around even when she isn't). Can I have a ride to the underwater cave in your book pod @Former-Member (if you feel up to coming - it is super ok if you don't).

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I’m sorry it’s so hard, @Phoenix_Rising. What is being/has been said and what is happening/has happened (or rather hasn’t happened) is so incongruent. I’m too scared to go anywhere in Forum Land right now other than the nest, the ocean and TOR, because I know the regulars there are safe.

I have so many big feelings and words around all of this, but I am trying to keep it all (and myself) contained. But I hear you, @Phoenix_Rising and I’m here and none of this is right. 🙁

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

Yep, that's a yes, @Phoenix_Rising.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

(The soft toys comment wasn’t the only one that made me get my cranky/defensive/sad pants on … also part of why I am struggling and hiding and trying to be quiet, @Phoenix_Rising.) 🙁

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Goodnight @CheerBear. I super love knowing that you are here even when you aren't. I am thinking about you and your big feelings right now.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm just reading the last few posts.
I don't know if you're talking about me, but I'm sorry for the things I've been posting. I was just so angry I wasn't thinking about anyone else.
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