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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest

Your insides might have been telling you that there was a not-friend riding a big wave of grief and all kinds of hurty feelings mashed together @Phoenix_Rising. Last night in bed I felt a big pang of it and sat with it in my pink fluffy blanket with a pocket crew. I want to write lots but I won't because I think you (and lots of people who visit the nest) get it. Thank you for listening to your insides and for getting it so, so well. It helps massively with big alone, lost and hurting feelings. Grief hurts.

I hope today has/is about to, start off ok enough 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm not feeling great today. I think it's a giant big stop sign which is a really good thing, but right now feels like a whole lot of lost. Now I have found myself with some kind of stability, even though it is nothing like the stability I would like to have, I am sitting here feeling overwhelmingly lost. I like action bear mode, I don't like sit and stop mode.

The goodbye on Monday reminded me of all the stuff I went through over the last year, which is on top of all of the stuff that led to it in the first place. The goodbye on Tuesday reminded me so much of the couple of goodbyes I did get to say, but all of the goodbyes I didn't get to say all which feel deeply sad about. All kinds of things around me are reminding me of the this time last year stuff, which I thought I was over. Everything is bringing up 'stuff'. The feedback thing is incredibly triggering. I really feel the need to push through it but it is so hard. One of the questions is something about comparing your life before you entered the service vs what it is like now. That question hurts in a huge, huge way. It's going to be such an important thing (for me) to talk about but how the heck do I do that without drowning? 😞

There's a niggling thing inside that is saying go slowly and go gently, and reminding me that Monday was only a few days ago, but I how do I sit with knowing I am not quite ready to speak up and out yet, but having that be kind of all I want to do? And when will I be ready?

So annoying.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

As I was reading your post @CheerBear, I was thinking ‘there’s no rush, it doesn’t have to be done yesterday’ and then got to the end and your niggling ‘go slowly and gently’ feeling. I know it totally goes against your action bear mode, but try to listen to that annoying niggling feeling. It’s not a race. The important thing (and please correct me if I’m wrong) is that you complete the form in a way that makes the most impact and has the most power to cause change. That means saying what needs to be said in a clear, direct, calm way. But there is no rush. And there is no point tearing through it if you drown before you get to the end. 😕

There is something to be said for turtle pace (or slightly more turtle pace than action bear pace) and the self-care and self-compassion that can come along with that. The feedback is super important, but so are YOU. 🦄

I know it’s super hard to find the right balance and, as someone who seems incapable of finding any kind of balance myself, I have no advice on that front. What I will say is trust your gut. If you sit down to work on it and the waves start knocking you under, then put it away for later or another day. You know yourself. You know that some days are blanket days and some days are super-powered action bear days and some days are somewhere in between. I have no doubt that you will be ready at some point and I have no doubt that you will know when that is. (You might not be able to knock it all out in one action-bear go, and that is okay. You can take your time.)

Apologies for such a long-winded reply when really I could have summed it all up in just three words: you’ve got this. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

It sounds like now is being time, not doing time...and I can hear that energizer bunny CheerBear super prefers doing to being.

I'm going to make a wild guess here and assume that there is no due date on the feedback form. Just take a look for me. Does it say anywhere that the form must be completed and returned within 100 hours of exiting the program?

I have a feeling that you might be a squashed-by-a-bus melted snowflakey banana headed carebear at the moment. That's kind of cool because I am definitely a squashed-by-a-bus melted snowflakey banana headed turtle. I'm also thinking that @Former-Member might be a squashed-by-a-bus melted snowflakey banana headed...er...bookish.

The chances of any movement on the DBT thread between now and Monday are now somewhere between zero, zip, and zilch. I am SO FRUSTRATED by this. I put soooooooo much thought, time and effort into that last post with the aim of building momentum on the thread. And then I got squashed by a bus with really not a bright idea to put this on FB, normally clever SANE dudes written on the side of it. And right now, it feels like my brain is never going to even slightly de-mush ever again.

So...I guess we will have to just sit here together being stuck and brain mushed and with giant hurting feelings until it is time to get up and start doing again won't we. We can do that. We've done it lots of times. We've got this.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising, I’m going to trust that your observation of my squashed-by-a-bus melted snowflakey banana headedness (which to be fair is entirely accurate) is based on my last few wonky days and not a comment on the quality of the reply I just posted to @CheerBear. 😁 (Or was it that bad??)

Also, maybe I’m a cat? A book-reading cat? Currently a squashed-by-a-bus melted snowflakey banana headed cat who is unable to read due to aforementioned brain defect. 🐱

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising @Former-Member @CheerBear

I was watching a UK police drama series yesterday where I actually saw a guy trip on the road and his head was squished by a bus. It was pretty graphic so everytime I read this thread and there's talk of head VS bus I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Before I laughed. My nurse's gut can tolerate most things, but that was something new & unexpected.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Excellent trusting there @Former-Member.

If I've written a long post, you can be sure it has taken a long time to construct, so assuming we have cross-posted is definitely always the way to go!!! I still haven't read your post to @CheerBear - I've just immediately responded to your other post to let you know that my comment is definitely related to your past few wonky days and has nothing at all to do with what you just wrote to CheerBear. I will now go and read what you wrote to CheerBear.

Ps. I super like cats.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member and @Phoenix_Rising thank you both. You are both very right. There is absolutely no rush with this feedback mission, and being there is absolutely no information about the complaints/feedback process for this organisation, I guess that leaves it up to me to do in a way that is right for me. I so seriously badly want to do this and think it will be a really big step in my recovery, but it will not be a good thing if I drown at all.

After my melty snowflakey banana heady post earlier, I took action bear over to the DBT thread to feel like I was doing something but something gentle, while learning more about this elusive and almost impossible for me and it sounds like a few of us bookish, to find "balance" thing. That's one of my big problems and it is a frustrating one 😞 I will post my DBT post soon, and maybe that can be like a version of turtle speed momentum there. I know you put heaps of time, thought and effort into this week/step/bit Phoenix_Rising. The frustration from buses is real.

Blegh, grrr and ugh.

Thank you both for your gentle reminder that it is ok to go turtle speed sometimes if I have to, and for listening and being here. And for the got this's that really do mean a lot.

@Sans911 - I am not sure whether to laugh or cry after reading your post so I guess I will laugh-cry. Do you laugh-cry? It is one of those feel goods for me. It kind of looks like this 😞 :S 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Sans911, if it helps with the visual, my whole being is squished by the bus (so maybe you can visualise a pancake turtle). For me at least, melted snow flakey banana headedness is a consequence of entire-being bus-squishing not head squishing. And I agree, head getting squished by a bus is definitely not a great image.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I totally knew that was the case, @Phoenix_Rising but the idea did make me chuckle (small things/minds and whatnot) so I thought I would share. 😊

Ewwww, @Sans911, that sounds like a very graphic show. Though the head-exploding feeling pretty much sums up my last few days. 😕

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