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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I would write the question, including its number, and answer what I wanted to write on notepaper, then cut it to the size of what I had written, and attach it to the form at the point where the question is printed .... noting in the form’s answer box “see attached response”.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I was going to suggest something very similar @CheerBear (as I have this problem disturbingly often) … I usually attach full A4 sheets of paper as needed for answers that don’t fit in ridiculously small spaces. I write in the relevant box ‘See attached response’. I number the attached pages and when I am finished I write very clearly at the top of the form ‘Please see x attached pages’ and then staple it all together so nothing can be (easily) deliberately ‘misplaced’.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I think that's a really good start thanks @Faith-and-Hope and @Former-Member. I know I will have to write a letter at some point, so maybe I can use the notepad answers to these questions to form the basis of my letter.

I want to ask for a meeting at the very least, but I think I need to think really hard about the best way to approach this and I would like some back up beside me for it. I want it to have as much impact as possible. I would like to ask my 'friends' (the women I stayed with if I can ever find them again) to contribute too. One of the really tricky things about this is that a few of the women I met were not willing or able to confidently voice their concerns (they had little problem spilling all to me and asking me to though). One had huge language barriers to overcome, as an example. All were too afraid of the fallout for them if they did. Suffering and silenced. It isn't ok. I want to be loud now.

I need back-up and I'm going to start looking for someone. There has to be some kind of advocacy or support service or something somewhere surely (that sure is a lot of S's happening!).

Thank you again 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Sorry, @CheerBear. I wish I was better placed to help you with 'bigger picture' ideas.

You are amazing. I really hope you know that. 🦄🌷

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I have big ideas, but seem to struggle with the smaller steps to get to them @Former-Member. It means I freeze when I see a tiny box and wonder how to write what I need in it. I forget that I could write on another piece of paper. It makes no sense but it is part of who I am right now (and probably who I am anyway). It is so helpful to have space and people to suggest practical sensible logical steps like you and @Faith-and-Hope did. I really do appreciate it thank you 🌸

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear,

I'm just coming by to let you know I plan to disappear from Forum Land at 6pm. I've had a super nice few hours here, but I really do need to be vaguely productive in the real world too. I would super love to see you write on the feedback form how unhelpful it is to provide a 6.5cm x 2cm box to answer the question about unhelpful things. I giggled a lot when I read that!

I'm with everyone else - write as much as you want and need to and attach the pages. When numbering the pages, instead of numbering them 1,2,3, I would number them 1 of 3, 2 of 3, 3 of 3. That way, you can be very sure that no one can "misplace" the last page. Puffer fish can probably help with the numbering if you get stuck.

When writing out long answers (or later a letter), I would probably write a raging venting draft first, then leave it for a little while, and then go back and edit it with my "calm voice." That's what I do whenever I write a change-the-world kind-of a letter.

We are changing the world @CheerBear - together but not. And it sounds like @Former-Member does quite a bit of world changing via feedback forms too. Yay for world changing!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Excellent advice, @Phoenix_Rising. 😊

(I am useless and not changing the world at all, but I super appreciate that there are some super amazing people here in Forum Land making a difference.)

Thank you for being you, @CheerBear and @Phoenix_Rising and thank you for changing the world. 🌷

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Phoenix_Rising 🙂 I like the idea of writing a venty raging draft and then trying to change the words, rather than trying to start off with calm words which wouldn't be possible for this banana head and would frustrate me to try (but that's exactly what I would do), thanks 🙂 And I will use extra paper and not try to fit it into boxes! Nothing fits into boxes for me, especially not 6.5cm x 2cm ones 😛

It's great to hear you've had a nice few hours here and I hope that your evening goes well 🙂

@Former-Member - you make a difference. I feel it here. Thank you for being you bookish 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest


@bookish wrote:

I am useless and not changing the world at all.

Thank you for being you, @CheerBear and @Phoenix_Rising and thank you for changing the world. 🌷


One of the cool things about world-changing @Former-Member is that often you will never ever know exactly what you have changed. Every now and again someone appears in Forum Land saying that they decided to join us after spending time reading our stories. How many more people might there be out there who never join, but whose lives are made better by sitting at their computer and thinking "wow, that's just like me, I'm not so alone after all." You are definitely not useless @Former-Member.

And on that note, I need to actually go and do some things in the real world.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I am almost asleep but while I was cuddling turtle my inside suddenly told me to check in here and tell you I am thinking of you. I know your grief did not vanish when yesterday ended. I know it is probably almost as big today as it was yesterday and it will be only a tinsy bit less tomorrow. Turtle and I are still with you but not. Night.
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