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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It's a sad sad nest today 😞

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

A very sad lot 😢
It's ok to be sad for a while.
We'll get through it.
Snuggle. 💟

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member @CheerBear @Former-Member To be honest, I'm not actually feeling that bad...cos I'm so dissociated, I can't feel anything. I feel sort-of bemused by my whole situation. On Monday of last week, I was talking to my psychologist (A) about a tiny little spark of an idea I had about doing a TAFE course. My goal for the week was to go to the TAFE to try and get some clarification about the time commitment to see if it was something I thought I could cope with. And then on Thursday, the whole drama unfolded at the place where I do the neurofeedback...and now I'm back to simply staying alive. How does that possibly possibly POSSIBLY happen??? How can I get so badly hurt by a PSYCHOLOGIST when I'm actively doing something to HEAL MY BRAIN??? HOW does that happen???

Last year I enrolled in a TAFE course. I was three weeks into it when my psychologist at the time announced she was closing her practice, only five months after I started seeing her. Thus began my hellish year of therapist shopping and I withdrew from the TAFE course after a spectacular meltdown at the TAFE. Do you see what I mean? Do you SEE? It just keeps happening - again and again and again and again. Like I said in a post the other day (in the worry room, I think), I can do step one - I can keep myself alive. But every single time I try to take a second step towards creating a life worth living, I get smashed.

So yeah, I feel lost, hopeless and disconnected from the world today, but I don't actually feel sad because my brain is too overloaded to have any space left to feel sad. Right now my greatest achievement is that I'm choosing to lie in the sun and just be, rather than lie in bed and just be, because I know that sunshine is healthy for depression. That's where I'm at. Twenty years of therapy and THAT'S where I'm at. And people try to placate me by saying "these things take time...". Well it's been twenty years - exactly how much more time should I expect it to take!

I hope it's ok to dump that here in the nest @CheerBear. That ended up a pretty long rant for someone who says they're feeling ok today didn't it. Actually, now I think about it, I'm not dumping it IN the nest, I'm dumping it in a big bucket and I'm now going to empty the bucket outside the nest. Yep, that feels better. I hope no-one got hit with all that muddle that I just tossed over the side of the nest. For some reason I now have a funny image in my brain of it all landing splat right on top of @Former-Member.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm glad you had a bucket to dump that in @Phoenix_Rising.

I lost a post when catt called. She sounded like a bright cheery happy 12 year old. She gave me a time for an assessment they booked in to the break place on Friday. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm too tired and it's not going to help me now.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I can really relate to what you're saying @Phoenix_Rising 💜
Same here, whenever I try and step out and try and join in life, I too get smahed.
I'm almost scared of trying again.
I've struggled with complex PTSD etc since I was a teenager, many, many years. Too long.
I want to do things, but I'm scared of falling in a heap.

I hope you don't mind us sharing here @CheerBear 💟 Can you have a nap while your little ones are at school?

Hugs @Former-Member 💗 It "sucks" I know. Same old struggles every day.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest


@CheerBear wrote:
I'm glad you had a bucket to dump that in @Phoenix_Rising.

I lost a post when catt called. She sounded like a bright cheery happy 12 year old. She gave me a time for an assessment they booked in to the break place on Friday. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm too tired and it's not going to help me now.

@CheerBear I super hate the happy 12-year-old voice!!!! I can hear how much you don't want to do this anymore. Right now, snuggled in your nest, you don't have to "do" anything, you simply need to "be". I wonder if maybe the thinking bit of your brain is flooded with big feelings right now @CheerBear? I have no idea whether the break place is going to help or not...but I do know you have to go there in order to find out (unless you have psychic powers that you haven't mentioned). It sounds to me like you are saying you are too tired to go to the break place. I have a sneaking suspicion that the idea of the break place is to give tired people a space to rest.

I can hear how super sad and tired you are right now. Methinks today is a day for being, rather than doing. {Plonks down beside @CheerBear to simply be}.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I am going to jump off the forums for a while now. I'm going to go and play my violin. Maybe you could look at youtube videos of beginner violinists and then give thanks for the fact that you aren't my neighbour. My violin playing helps me feel calm - thus the more distressed I am, the more I play. I think my record is five hours in a day - two to three hours is the norm. My neighbours are all probably in therapy due to the trauma of listening to me.

Remember, I'm here even when I'm not here. Schrodinger had a cat, CheerBear has a turtle.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

You are very right in saying the break place is for tired people and that right now I'm too flooded for thinking @Phoenix_Rising. Thank you for helping me to remember that.

The super happy cheery 12 year old hurt my tired brain. She had to keep putting the phone down to find the answer for my questions like 'where is the break place' and 'what it is the appointment for'. She also seemed to lack the awareness that a very tired, very sad sounding person in the middle of the day is perhaps not as 'ok' as the answer to 'hi how are you today' might suggest. But whatever, I'm a billion percent over expecting most mh professionals to do anything helpful, as I know you are too not-friend (and lots of others here as well).

I'm going to wrap myself up in my new snuggle blanket and not care about anything more than being so this day too can come to an end.

I just read the last post of yours. I super like you phoenix_rising and I wish I could spend time in person with you, but I am so glad I'm not your neighbour while you are learning the violin 🙂 . Thanks for the smile.

@Former-Member and @Former-Member - sending you my most understanding, caring and gentle hugs for another crappy day that we've all survived half of so far 💛

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I probably need to go today too @CheerBear but wanted to say say I agreed with @Phoenix_Rising post. I'm glad you can see it too. Take good care of you. 💜🤗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

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