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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I've just read about your coming days. How very deeply sad it makes me feel having spent so much time in the broken system myself. I was lucky to be crushed by then so just whispered bring it on... I'm hearing you with a spark, the spark that we hold for each other, together becoming a fire, sharing warmth to one another. If in all the muddles and puddles you can remember all us, your sparks, setting a fire....for you. You and @Phoenix_Rising always remind me of my social worker, the only person who has ever believed in me. I'm hoping one day to believe some of what she says. Anyway, two years ago she left her employment because of what top heavies were saying she had to do. She has opened her own rooms, with what she believes is right. There doesn't have to be a Drs approval to see her, she realises for some, that's way too much. We are free to have one appointment or as many as needed. I'm 13 years later!!!!! You will do it both of you. Sitting by the fire with you dear lady.

@Former-Member I understand so much the way you see you, I see me that way too, yet I find it hard to read someone else feels this badly about themselves. I know that's all mixed, my brain is wired that way. It's good having you around, though I know that won't necessarily sit well with you.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I wrote this song awhile back for online friends, it's where the spark and fire come in.

In the middle of the night

Once again my heart took fright

Pain that shook me to the core

I just can't take it anymore

In the middle of the night

My heart broke I cried and cried

I read your courage breaking through

I hope someday I can do that too

These are faces I'll never meet

These are names I'll never know

But their beauty it sure does show

Though the world might shut us out

And out tiny spark grow dim

Someone close gives a gentle blow

That tiny spark it sure does glow

And together we're a fire

Spreading warmth to one another

I see you reaching to the sky

I see your spirit flying high

Soaring gently line a bird

Your voice has finally been heard

You're a hero

Theres no doubt in my mind

You're. Hero

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Maggie thank you for your beautiful words. I read them through big tears. I'm going to read them again once my LF are in bed, and will reply properly then when my words are working, but I couldn't not reply after I read that via email, to say so much thank you 💗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi again @Maggie 😊 Sitting down in a quiet enough house (they're finishing off a movie) now. I just watered the garden and was thinking of your song while I did. The sparks and fire image is one I have pictured a lot over years. Sometimes tiny flickers of light hidden in such darkness they are so hard to see. But something or someone comes along and that spark can turn into a fire. I hadn't thought of the warmth that a fire creates when it's shared between people before, and I love that. It brings even more depth to the image I have in my mind. The way you wrote it was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing 💗

I really like the whisper "bring it on", though it makes me sad to think that had to come from a place of being crushed. I've been crushed Maggie, but after some big thinking about tomorrow, I think I might have arrived at a place of bring it on (at least that's where I am now) too. I might write about how that happened later, if I don't totally crash, as there's something about sharing things here that kind of helps me stay true to what I hope/plan to do I think.

Thanks again Maggie. I hope your afternoon has been good for you ☺

@Former-Member - how did you get on this afternoon (if you want to and are up to sharing)? I meant to ask whether your helping person (who I am so sorry to hear does harm and I totally get how helping people can be both helpful and harmful) is working with you on your application, and what kind of helping person they are. Again, only if you can and want to/are up to sharing.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

My afternoon was okayish, thanks @CheerBear. It’s really hot here today and I am not coping with the heat at all. The sooner I get to Tassie the better. (Not any time soon unfortunately.) 😕 I did get the draft of my NDIS letter finished though, so that’s something.

My helping person is a clinical psychologist. I met her kind of by chance through a private psych hospital. The schema therapy program I had been doing in Perth folded and my marriage was all but over, so I looked at programs in Melbourne with the view to heading back there. I contacted a hospital in Melbourne and ended up speaking to her. Less than two weeks later I was back in Melbourne and starting a schema program with her. I saw her through the program at the hospital for two years. It was initially one group session and one individual session a week. Then the individual sessions were stopped (an upper-management decision that didn’t sit well with any of the clinicians). Unfortunately the group sessions were making things worse for me and the only reason I was persevering with them was so I could access the individual sessions. In the end, I had to choose between paying for health insurance, which allowed me to attend weekly group therapy or paying to see my psychologist privately (much less often unfortunately)—I couldn’t afford both. I’ve been seeing her privately for two years now. She is the first helping person that hasn’t put me in the too-hard basket and who actually has hope for me. Unfortunately, she is not the most reliable person and often triggers my issues around abandonment and self-worth. In the past I’ve confirmed appointments with her, driven 2+ hours and she hasn’t been at work. Fun stuff like that. But she is still most helpful helping person I’ve had … which is why I still drive to Melbourne to see her.

She wrote a report for my NDIS application (though I don’t have the final copy yet and I made the initial request at the end of July). 😕 But it is quite detailed and will hopefully help my case. Other than that, she’s not helping with the NDIS stuff.

The person who has been helping me with that is my fairly new support facilitator. After being unable to get any help at all through the public system, I approached Partners in Recovery to see if they could help me. Thankfully they took me on and I was assigned a support facilitator. Currently I have no services for her to coordinate so she is helping me with my NDIS application instead (and generally seeing me once a week because she knows the only other support I have is my psychologist who I am lucky to see once a month).

Sorry, that was a very long-winded answer to a simple question. 😕

I’m glad to hear you’ve maybe reached a bit of a ‘bring it on’ place, @CheerBear. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and will be here in the nest with my listening eyes, should they be needed, otherwise just being here. I hope you get some sleep tonight. 🦄🌷💚

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That's great to hear that you got the draft of your letter finished @Former-Member. Big time yuck, so well done to you on getting this far with it. The weather sounds really tough. I'm hoping for your home by a mountain in Tassie asap.

Thanks for the reply re your helping people. I'm often interested in who finds what helpful, why and how. I remember one of the first big wow moments I had studying was on the factors that contribute to the effectiveness of therapy, and it's something that I've been pondering again in being here (along with factors that hinder/damage it). Not being put in the too hard basket and feeling as if your helping person believes in you, would definitely help. Unreliability is hard. I would not cope (at all) with driving 2+ hours to not have an appointment with someone who has confirmed one :face_with_rolling_eyes:

I hope you find your support facilitator helpful. My better experiences have been mostly with non-clinical helping people, like I imagine maybe a 'support facilitator' is, though I understand many people find clinical people really helpful also. This process sounds complicated and horrible, and the more helpful support there is for people to get through it, the better. I've got everything crossed that the application goes through for you. Everything!

Thank you for your listening eyes bookish ☺ Tomorrow I will take the chance to take a stand against it all, one last time (for now - I will not let this go and will come back one day in a different way). My hope is that I feel proud after the meeting even if I am shaking in a blanket managing big triggers and not having words. I have a feeling my CM will come in defensive and tough and I might throw her by being very calm and cool and not living up to the nickname she gave me of being fiesty. Or I'll melt and that will be ok too ☺

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear Thankyou. Remember we are all blowing your spark.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @CheerBear,

Happy Bring It On day. You've SO got this! Is the whole pocket crew coming? We will try to remember not to cheer TOO loudly when you are awesome because, you know, having cheering coming from your handbag might seem weird to others around. Objective, relationship, self-respect. BRING IT ON!!!!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm not here at all as it is fish o'clock and I am getting myself ready for Bring It On day which kicks off after I drop my fish at school (haha) but I wanted to say thank you @Phoenix_Rising and that I had a quick read of the DBT adventure and turned into a super excited energizer bunny bear. Yay! I am really looking forward to reading properly after I and a pocket crew are awesome at this meeting 😄

Thanks to those who I know are here even if they're not here for Bring It On day too 🙂
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