Good morning in the nest
I am not feeling so great (at all) and a lot of that is because I have two very tricky things to do over the next couple of days.
The first one is my case closure meeting. It's tomorrow morning and the feelings it is bringing up have been bubbling away for a few days now. I couldn't be feeling happier or more relieved to see myself exited as a client from this organisation as it is something I have wanted from within moments of being referred there over a year ago now. But I am so scared of what it might bring up for me to do so. They're the organisation who managed the refuge we stayed in for about two and a half months, and the one I was told I had to continue to engage with until I had secured housing (a public house or a lease in my name), in order to keep a roof over our head. I know enough about the way this system works to believe that this organisation cares much more about maintaining their status within the system by demonstrating short term outcomes (numbers), than they do about what kind of life the people who enter their organisation have once they leave.
They talk a lot of talk about things like how many women and children they put through the refuge each year and how many they help escape family violence. They talk about their dedication to fighting for justice for women, the feminist framework they work within, the holisitic approach they take to health and wellbeing, and their awareness and sensitivity regarding trauma. They do talking really well - on their website, on shiny brochures, in long reports, in the media and to stakeholders. From everything that I have seen and experienced over my time as a client with them, that's where it stops though. Their actual practices with the actual people most effected by the things they say they care about, are so far from any of the things they say they do.
Being in refuge was like being in hospital with all of the head damage that came with that. It was how I imagined a prison with an unlocked (from the inside) door might be, but with the message that you came here by choice and you can leave if you want (even though we know you literally have not a single place you can go and we will call the police and CP if you do). It was all kinds of scary, and confusing, and painful all while there were three huge reasons for me to hold it all in and keep it under control. And there was no-one working there who cared enough about any of it to do anything. I see so much good that happened there, most which came from the connections made with the other women there who also experienced the same stuff.
When this house, that I knew wasn't right, was found for us and I was told to take it or leave (they loved the 'well you are free to leave' line), I felt the biggest blow when they also told me that to keep this roof I would need to continue to work with them. It felt like holding a house as ransom. Every single contact I have had with this organisation over this year, has reminded me in some way of what I went through. It has been so hard. I fought it and crashed. I sucked it up, smiled, nodded and thank-you-very-muched, and crashed. I'm so completely shattered to think that I ever planned on being part of it. My now case manager (there have been a few), initially seemed to get it and because of that I trusted her. When she first started in the role, we sat together going over it all and she seemed incredibly keen to sort it all out, including getting to the bottom of what had caused me to be deemed difficult and a problem by her coworkers. It made me really nervous and I remember saying that I didn't think she would last like that for long as she would either burn out or become part of it all. Recently she took a week off and told me it was because she was so stressed that she wanted to leave. She returned, but over the last little while has slowly become just like they all are. She now has impenetrable walls of self-protection that has led her to become dismissive, unkind, and too busy to care. And now after the last few weeks of my fight, I have a feeling I will be deemed difficult and problematic once again which I only care about because I don't believe I am difficult and problematic. I believe I am a thinking feeling human in a difficult and problematic system that has caused me huge difficulties and problems that I will carry for a long time after they step out, and it really, really sucks.
I don't know how to approach tomorrow. I can't find what feels right yet and it's making me really nervous. I am sitting somewhere between 'just get it over and done with and walk away' and 'use this chance to take a stand one last time'. There are warning bells all over tomorrow, as I feel I have potential for imploding or exploding. I would usually have made a plan and I haven't because I don't know where to start. I'd usually have spoken it through with someone, like my mental health worker, but she's been on leave. I'm going to have to wing it and that's scary.
The day after this meeting, I also say another goodbye and this one is so far from a happy one. It will be to someone who has been one of the two most supportive support people I have ever worked with, and it's hurting my heart to think about. I don't know where to even start with that one either.
So I am buckling myself in for what is likely to be a bit of a shaky couple of days here in my world. Thank you to anyone who read that ramble and who might get it.