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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

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In response to: I'm in a nest

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning, @CheerBear. You've totally got this (and we've totally got your back). 🦄🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

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@CheerBear My inside was just telling me to come and check in here. I am thinking about you right now CheerBear. That is all.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It has taken me all afternoon to be able to find my words to post here but they came back, like they always do.

I might have looked a bit Will Ferrell in a phone booth throughout the day (for any Anchorman fans) but I survived Bring It On day ☺ The first 15 minutes of our meeting were so intense. I think we were both hugely defensive which meant it was so cold and yuck. It looked like 15 minutes of "here's some referral info. There's your safety plan. Bye" was going to be it for the meeting but we found our way through it and spent the next hour and a half being human people with each other. It was a long, hard morning.

I survived big ouch comments like:

"Here's a feedback survey if you want to be rude". I said I wouldn't be rude but I would be honest.

"If nothing else, at least the LF are doing well". I get where that comes from and say it myself sometimes, but there is definitely something else and that something else is me. That should matter to people like my now was once my CM.

"Your mental health stopped you from getting a house". Yeah, that one didn't go down well at all 😕

I spilled a whole lot about what I think and feel about my time with them and said all of things I wrote in my ramble yesterday. After I had my say, I listened to a heap of "I probably shouldn't tell you this but..." that was about what it's like from within the organisation. It sounds exactly as I thought it would, which feels a mix of validating and completely disheartening. None of it is ok but all of it adds to my fight massively. It was said in a way that meant well and I can see that.

CM said that the hardest part about working with me was that I questioned everything and that she knew I'd call her out on any BS she might say. I understand why that might be hard, but I hated hearing it so I mentioned how important it was that she was aware of the power that gave her over people who couldn't or didn't do the same. So much power. And every single person on the client side in this one has been abused in a way that involves a huge power imbalance. It does so much harm when it is continued in the relationships with those deemed as "support" people.

At the end of it CM said that she would hate to think she was leaving a client worse off than when she got involved. I said that I wasn't worse off, but I am definitely not better off either. Things are different as one set of issues has been swapped with another. It is what it is, but I don't think it's ok. We hugged and both had a teary (I had a big huge one) and then I said thanks and she said sorry.

Annnnyway, I took that stand, without exploding at anyone and am feeling proud of how it went which is really all I wanted out of today. It was incredibly emotionally exhausting which I expected but is still hard to manage. It makes me very nervous about my goodbye tomorrow, with someone I so badly do not want to be having to say goodbye to. I'm feeling sick about this one but am going to try hard to keep it in a tomorrow's worry box for now.

Thank you @Phoenix_Rising @Maggie and @Former-Member (and @Mazarita from over that way ➡) for your messages. I felt the support and encouragement today and so big time appreciated it. It's so helpful for me to remember I have a safe place to crawl into if I need, around understanding people (and a turtle).

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I am super SUPER proud of you. 🌷

I hope you can get some rest tonight. I’m sorry tomorrow is going to be another super tough day. 🙁

Hold those awesome LF extra close tonight and soak up some extra loves. 💚

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear you were so superly duperly amazingly awesome today!!!!!!!!!!!! It was so very hard for me and the rest of the pocket crew to stay quiet in your handbag. We so very badly wanted to cheer super loudly!!!

We will definitely change the world CheerBear, together but not. I know that a big part of my challenge in finding a psychologist is that so many of them get intimidated by the fact that I will question everything and call them out on any BS.

It amazes me how few helping people understand the concept of the power differential inherent in the client / helping person relationship. This is definitely a very big issue for me!

It sounds like your ex-CM is fundamentally a decent person working in an extremely dysfunctional system. This is the bit that worries me about changing the world @CheerBear. The dysfunction is EVERYWHERE and it seems that helpful helping people either burn out and leave, or else become part of the dysfunction. I'm not sure what the answer is to that puzzle.

Your ex-Cm's comment that "at least the LF are doing well" reminds me of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw I definitely cringe when any sentence starts with "at least...".

I know that tomorrow is going to be super super super hard @CheerBear and there is nothing in the world that can make it less hard. However you look at it, it is going to just plain ultra suck. I will sit with you in your grief.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you heaps @Former-Member 😊 I like proud lots. It seems to help unmash shame. I was driving to an appointment (another test - apparently I am hormonal and stressed. And should have been a GP as I worked that out without needing any tests 😉) and the sun caught my arms with a big bite. I thought of you as I have a feeling it may be quite hot where you are today and I know that makes things hard for you. I hope you've been as comfortable as you can be today 🌸 My LF will be extra squeezed (that image makes me laugh) tonight, after they play under the sprinkler.

Thank you also @Phoenix_Rising for cheering me on, even if it had to be quiet enough that no-one in the not-forum land world could hear. I heard it though 😊 That's one of my favourite videos! I last watched it a couple of weeks ago, just before someone said "at least you don't live on the streets". That went down not-so-well too.

There are so many things that we both seem to feel similarly passionately about. It so SO much sucks that it comes from having had to experience it. I feel the things you have to say about it all, and it adds meaning for me. It does not at all make anything better, but when I am looking for the good it can be found there.

The dysfunction is everywhere 🙁

Tomorrow hurts already, big time. Thank you for being here with me.

Happy yoga day Phoenix_Rising (if you're heading there tonight).

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest


@CheerBear wrote:
the sun caught my arms with a big bite.

@CheerBear The colour of the sun is HOT.

Alas I am not yoga-ing tonight. The day has been extremely wonky. I'm about to go and talk it out on the ocean...

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear:ok_hand::ok_hand:💗💗😀😀

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear .... 💜💐💕💜💐💕💜
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