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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey @Former-Member. I wanted to wait until it was a bit quieter here in my world to reply to you. Did you find hospital helpful when you were there? Having options not available, even if they're not ones I want or would neccessarily use, sucks. I get how much you can't leave your cat (I stayed for longer in a storm because I couldn't leave mine). When we did the disappearing act, I heard of services that can assist with the cost of boarding animals for people in our situation, and a quick google shows me it's there for people for other reasons too, one being hospital. I am not sure if that's helpful or something you'd consider, but I thought I would share just in case.

It so much sucks about the NDIS process for you. When I read that you were going through your old records for evidence, it made me think of something that I don't think I have shared here before but that is probably an enormous part of my mess. I hope you don't mind me sharing, and what I am about to share is probably going to be a long version of 'I think I get it', with again, no need to reply. The moment I see as the big bang officially happening, was with a phone call from the police. I spent a few hours at the station in the late evening/wee hours of that morning, went back the next afternoon for a little while, and then spent the best part of the next four days going over every single painful detail of the past way too many years. I was sitting in a knees to my chest, arms around my legs, head on my knees, ball, on the floor of an interview room the entire time. I had a blanket that was given to me in crisis accomodation, around me and over my head for a couple of those days. The events that led to the big bang were traumatic, but recalling them and reliving them in the way I had to, was worse.

I had a similar experience a number of times when risk assessments have been done with me by workers who were so detached or desensitised, that they lacked any form of care or sensitivity. Same thing again when my history was dug up and given to me during my psych triage assessment earlier this year. With each of those times I have felt threatened as I have had no option but to go through with it to get what I needed, even though I knew that what was happening was causing enormous head damage.

I have heard you speak of the pain you are experiencing with the NDIS process, and am not sure if part of that is a similar kind of thing to what I have been through in those times above. But if it is, I wanted you to know that I so badly seriously hugely wish there were other ways to do these things that didn't add to the pain and damage. It is hard enough to have gone through what has led to this in the first place, let alone be repeatedly hurt again by reliving it. This stuff is most definitely high on my list of where I plan to start changing the world - once I have survived having actually lived in it. I wish it would change sooner for you and us though.

With that, I am going to get my not-nana knitted blanket (which is very special but not as fluffy as my pink one) and head off, hoping very much that it's ok with you that I shared that with you tonight.

I wish the world was different bookish.

Night

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you for sharing that with me, @CheerBear. I like getting to know you better, but I am also mindful that there are a lot of things you can’t share (and questions you can’t answer) so I prefer to wait for you to share what you can, when you feel comfortable.

I did find hospital semi-helpful. My first admissions happened when I was at my most vulnerable point and I really just needed someone to care about me. (Coincidentally, it was not long after this that my wife got her claws in. We’d been friends for seven years before we got together. It was interesting, reading my hospital records, to realise just what a low point it was, and how/why it was that I let her in, even though I knew it wasn’t right pretty much from the very beginning.) The other thing hospital helped with was my SH. I’ve been SHing regularly for nineteen years and it’s not impulsive, it’s compulsive. So there were times when hospital helped to break the cycle, at least temporarily (or at least curb it a little).

I’m pretty sure hospital would cause more harm than good these days. I haven’t been to hospital since I developed my ED, or since I became vegan. It was sometimes hard enough for them to manage when I was just vegetarian. (When I was admitted in the public system, I had pasta with tomato sauce for four consecutive meals—not including breakfast.) I also know I wouldn’t cope with being away from my cat (who in Forum Land will be known from this point forward as Edie-Cat). She is my whole world, my only protective factor, and being away from her would be utterly terrifying. A lot of my anxiety and OCD-type stuff comes up around her. 🐱

I have heard of programs that can help with pets when people are in certain situations and I would definitely consider that help if I had no other choice. Thank you for mentioning it. 🌷 It’s funny, I was just talking to my support facilitator about a local program on Friday. (We were talking about animal rescues in the area and I mentioned there is a good one that offers that sort of community support. She was interested for some of her other clients.)

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and the fact that you’ve had to relive it and be re-traumatised again and again. It’s not right and it’s not fair. The systems are so very broken. I really do look forward to the changed world. 🌷

Super briefly (because it really would be an essay) … my trauma started in childhood. I’ve spent my whole life being told I don’t matter and having to do everything myself. (I was parentified at four and essentially raised my younger siblings. I was also my mother’s confidant and only support.) The NDIS stuff is just confirming how much the system has let me down in the past and how much it continues to let me down now. It’s reinforcing how useless and worthless I am. I am being re-traumatised by reading those files. I’m also reading about events I have no recollection of, which is really scary. I’ve blocked out most of my childhood, but these are things that happened within the last 5-10 years. Anyway, it will be worth it if a) my application is approved, and b) I get funding for therapy. (But I am so not holding my breath.) 😕

Anyway, apologies for the over-share. No doubt I’ll regret it in the morning (well, later in the morning). I wish the world was different too, @CheerBear. One day, maybe. I hope you are sleeping soundly and that tomorrow (today) is a kind day. Thank you for being you. 🌷🦄💚

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest 😊

@Former-Member - I felt every word of your post above 🌸 I will reply properly (probably when my brain isn't in morning mode/as a reward to myself for doing things around the house) but for now I wanted to say sorry for what you've been through too, and really thank you for sharing (it's not an overshare from where I am at all). And also that 'meeting' Edie-cat has made my morning 🐱

I hope the morning has something good for you and anyone reading in it 🌈

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Pssssst @Former-Member,

I'm whispering. I read your story, thank you for sharing. I was parentified by my mum too. It is a part of my story that I choose not to share here in Forum Land (except right now with you). It is the very core of my muddle. I also hear you re. going back over icky details to gather evidence. When I sued the church where I was abused, I had to go through my hospital records - all 922 pages of them.

We will change the world bookish.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member - totally understand (thanks for letting me know so I don't run around the forum scratching my confused banana head 😂)

💗☕🍰

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

The dishes are done, the house is tidy enough and I have an hour before a Dr appointment, so I will spend it here ☺

I feel really angry that your wife got her claws in at all, especially after a time that you were as vulnerable as you were @Former-Member. From my experience, people who choose to get their claws-in, tend to be pretty opportunistic (this is strange timing as I am thinking about being brave and posting a post on the DBT thread that ties in with all of this - not sure I will yet though). I think it can make vulnerability of any kind feel incredible scary for people who have been hurt through it. I am glad hospital was semi-helpful, but understand and respect that you believe it would cause more harm than good. I can see how food issues would be very hard to live with in a public hospital too. It was music to my ears when the break place were so accepting and accommodating re food. Hospital was definitely not. No-one seemed to care until a bloodtest showed dangerously low somethings. The response was then something like 'eat or we will have you admitted to another hospital where you will be made to'. Not ok just like four consecutive pasta and tomato sauce meals, is also not ok (unless that's what someone chooses to eat).

I can also understand how being away from Edie-Cat would be incredibly harmful. We were away from Noodle and Mouse from the big bang until early Jan. We were lucky they were loved and looked after well, but it was shattering and we all hurt big time with that one.

I really do wish that the system/s worked in a way that didn't retraumatise people, and I can imagine how hard it would be to have that confirmation (in the way you are) that you've experienced such an enormous let down by the system for such a long time. As for the memories part, I had started writing some more things about my ball on the floor of the police station experience with re-experiencing and accessing memories of which I couldn't really recall and had blocked out, to further say how much it sucks and I hate it, but I am going to be careful with posting because I don't want to throw myself or anyone else into a whirpool. It sucks so much bookish, and I am very much crossing everything that doing what you're doing, even though it is so painful, will be worth it for you.

I'm going to give the plants a drink and then head off to that appointment, hopefully to hear that my BT results from Monday are better now. Hope that however you're spending your day is ok for you.

Thanks again for sharing bookish. I'm really enjoying getting to know you. I hope you're ok after sharing too 🌸

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening in the nest. I am really struggling to draft a coherent response tonight, but I’ll be away from the computer all day tomorrow so I wanted to at least post something.

Thank you for whispering, @Phoenix_Rising. It makes me so sad that that is the core of your muddle, too. 🙁 I really appreciate you sharing that with me. I read your post on the DBT thread about your session with your turtle whisperer. I love so much that she gets it (and that she gets you). I wish we could clone her. I know it makes it even harder knowing how great she is but not being able to connect long-term. 🙁 It does gives me hope that really good helping people do exist. (I hope that doesn’t sound flippant, I really don’t mean it that way at all, I’m just struggling so much with words right now.)

@CheerBear, I hope your test results were okay today. I read your post on the DBT thread too and it made my heart hurt so much. I’m so sorry that happened to you. 🙁 Thank you for being brave enough to share that part of your story.

I have so much I want to write but I am … barely hanging in there. I have to drive to the city first thing in the morning and then spend the day trapped with people who will make me feel even more rubbish all day while I try to keep my mask affixed so I don’t upset them. I wish I could just stay home with my Edie-Cat. 🙁

I’m so glad you and the LF were eventually reunited with Mouse and Noodle. Being separated from them must have made things even harder. 🙁 Oh no, here come the tears again.

Best I stop trying to communicate for tonight. I will try again tomorrow night, maybe. Thank you @CheerBear and @Phoenix_Rising for being so amazing and so kind to me. 🦄 🐢 It’s great to see your butterfly wings back around the place, @Zoe7. 🦋

Good night, everyone. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm trying @Former-Member but thankyou for you lovely words You can visit anytime in TOR too if you feel like venturing beyond the nest or underwater cave - I would build a whole room full of books and cushions for you

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member spending the day feeling trapped and wearing a mask around people who will make you feel more rubbish, sounds so hard. Barely hanging in there is a such a tough place to be too. The two together feels really horrible to imagine 🙁. I wish you could stay at home with your Edie-Cat too.

There's a book pod in a nest in an inner sanctum of a cave at the bottom of the ocean, that's safe and quiet, where barely hanging in there is very understood, and that will be here with and for you 🌸

I will be thinking of you today and hoping the music on the way there and back sounds good.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

...for @CheerBear when she is next in the nest...

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