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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear, I am super, super proud of you for making such a difficult but ultimately stability-providing decision re the housing situation. 🌷 I’ve said it before and I will say it again, the LF are so, so blessed to have such an amazing mum. 💚 The reasoning behind your decision is sound and I really hope that now the landlord has realised you are indeed a good tenant, he will work with you to at least get the basics sorted (so the LF can have hot baths in a warm winter house, for example).

I know it’s not ideal, but I am so glad you and the LF have a roof over your heads for the foreseeable future. You’re a star, @CheerBear. You really are. 😊 🌷

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @TheVorticon (one of the not sure if I should tag you but definitely thought of you) people. Today has felt like breathing space already ☺

@Former-Member thank you heaps 😊 Those warm fuzzies 💚 I hope things are ok enough for you. I've been thinking of you lots today. It's really good to see you tonight.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Okay, so I’m finally answering the questions you asked me a few pages back, @CheerBear. (And if I've missed anything, please ask me again ... my brain is currently functioning even more poorly than usual, so I may have missed something.)

I did drive to my psychologist appointment. You have a good memory. 😊 It’s roughly a two and half hour (sometimes more) drive each way. Public transport takes much longer. It's ridiculous really for a 50 minute appointment, but it is what it is. Driving has its advantages, like having my meltdowns in private and also music. I love music, too @CheerBear and would be totally lost without my iPod. Despite being well out of their demographic now, I’m a bit of Triple J girl. I like alternative music. The soundtrack to my city-bound trip was a Something for Kate playlist and home was a Radiohead playlist. Sometimes I listen to audio books on long trips but my brain tends to be all over the place after a psych appointment.

My psychologist was good on Wednesday, thankfully—quite validating. She’s worried about the impact the NDIS application process is having on me. The only reason I’m applying for the NDIS is because I can’t get any help in the public system and I can barely afford the out of pocket cost of my 10 rebated sessions. I’m not holding my breath on being approved for the NDIS though.

Is big little okay? I read that they were at home with you today. I hope all is well. 🌷


Thank you for inviting me to the Friday Feast, @Phoenix_Rising. My ED is really big at the moment, so I can’t hang out there with everyone. 🙁 I wish I could though. I hope you’re all having a fun night. 🌷

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That's a really long trip @Former-Member, but I see the advantages also. I thought you might be a bit of an alternative music person 😊 Karma Police is about the only Radiohead I know, but it's a pretty awesome song I think.

It's really great to hear your psych was good on Wednesday. I was wondering whether things had been not-good at the session and whether that was contributing to some yuck feelings for you. The NDIS thing is seriously scary and the process sounds really full on. So tough. I know nothing at all about it except that it's mega stressful for lots of people.

Big had a major meltdown yesterday after school and heaps of tricky feelings poured out. They were exhausted and really emotional so we had a very rare "headache" day and went out to lunch and had some together time which was nice ☺ They're feeling much more ok tonight, thanks for asking 😊

Have you got much on for the weekend?

🌸

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Karma Police really is a great song. 😊

I spoke to my psychologist on Wednesday about what I would realistically need to be doing (therapy-wise — if money wasn’t a factor) in order to ‘get better’ or at least be somewhat better than I am/process some of my ‘issues’/trauma. She said I would need a therapy session at least once a week, and additionally a second session with someone who could help me challenge some of my ingrained negative core beliefs and maladaptive coping strategies. On top of that, some extra support to help me keep myself safe (given I have no family/social supports). It was basically what I already knew, but it made me really sad because I’m not sure I will ever be in a position where I can access that level of support. 🙁

I also saw my grandparents when I was in Melbourne (because I have a misguided sense of family loyalty) and they are both incredibly judgemental and just generally awful, so that didn’t do wonders for my mood or sense of worth. 😕

My ED is in full swing as well, which means my brain is struggling even more than usual. All a recipe for brain messiness, really. 🙁


I’m sorry to hear that big was struggling. 🙁 I’m so glad you got to spend some special mama/fish time together today and that they are feeling more okay now. You really do make my heart smile. 💚 😊

I’m not planning on doing much over the weekend. I haven’t been able to read because my brain is letting me down (because I’m letting my brain down), so hopefully I can manage some reading at some poiint. My new Brené Brown book arrived today, so I may even have a little flick through that. 😊

Do you have much planned? A weekend adventure? I hope you can relax a little now that housing buses have stopped running you down, and that you have some lovely weather so you can get out in the garden with the LF. 😊 🌷

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I would feel so sad too @Former-Member, and maybe not so hopeful 🙁 It makes me so mad that 10 sessions is considered enough. I just don't get it. I can see why you said investing in intensive therapy was part of the eleventy million dollar answer. I've found support over the years through outreach services. One of the my most helpful helping people was a social worker through a family support service kind of referral. We worked nearly weekly (with a break in between) for around 18 months. I have my community mental health worker now and find her helpful also. But it isn't the same as having a therapist who can really dive in and help someone 'get better'. Recovery, therapy, mental health/illness, life etc has such different meanings to us all, and it sucks that the system doesn't respond to the uniqueness of people. I want to start my eleventy million dollar answer list, and I'll add hire bookish a therapist to it. Family stuff can be so tough too, especially when they make self-worth stuff harder.

And the ED stuff, I have had a glimpse of what it may be like as an ED is listed as a symptom in my long psych report. I don't have an ED but maybe I have disordered eating I don't know, I found it takes me nowhere good to think about for long. My point though (in the long way of getting there) was at my most "off" with eating issues, it seriously messed with my brain, so I can only imagine what it may be like.

That's really cool about your book 😊 It's a funny one if I'm not in the right headspace, but it helped shift a messy headspace into a less messy one too. Looking forward to hearing how you get on with it.

We have a few things on this weekend, including a little weekend adventure. I think (hope) I might be able to have a night off/out myself this weekend too which is a bit exciting. There will be time in the garden for sure! The vegie garden is in huge need of having some life put into it again. It's like a big blank canvas at the moment which is fun.

You make my heart smile too bookish, thank you 💚

I'm going to head off for the night, but it was so nice to catch up tonight.

Night bookish (and all in the nest)

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

good night @CheerBear , giving you tender hugs

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good night, @CheerBear. I hope you sleep well. Thank you for being you. 🦄 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest, @CheerBear and everyone,

Just popping in to send everyone good vibes for the start of a new day.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Yay you're here @Mazarita 🙂 Good morning

How are you this morning? I slept in so it was light when I woke up. Unusual but very welcome.

Any plans today?

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