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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear -

I'm dropping by with hugs, coffee and cake, sloth, snuggle blanket and all things nice to brighten your day.

Thinking of you. 💜💕
👋

☕🍰

🌸🌼🌻🌹🌺🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

internalising to the level of immobilisation

FREEZE

Quiet BPD

Lots of valuable thoughts for me to chew on a while.

Lovely getting to know you all a little better.

@CheerBear @Maggie @Former-Member

@Former-Member love your story about not throwing saucepans!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Appleblossom 👋🌷🌼🌺🌻
Nice to see you.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks @Former-Member

Nice to see you too.

My flowers irl are not as well lined up as those in your post.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hello to everyone in the nest.

Hi @Maggie, @Teej (I love your new lighter avatar), @Shaz51, @Mazarita, @Former-Member and @Appleblossom.

Hi @CheerBear. I’m not feeling so great right now, but I want to reply. I just hope I make sense. (However I definitely don’t expect a reply in return.) I am very much NOT liking the plague of buses that is currently smashing through the world. 🙁 There should definitely be a law against buses. 🙁 It makes me really sad that you and @Phoenix_Rising have had such rough day, too. Squeeze your LF extra tight tonight. 💚

Don’t hold back if questions/ideas/thoughts pop up when I tell you bits of my story. It’s all about connection, right? 😊 (Only if it feels right/safe to share or ask, of course.) To answer the question you did ask, I have been separated from my wife since 2013. That’s when I moved back to Melbourne. She kept trying to control me for another 10 months after that, insisting we were still in a relationship even though we were very clearly no longer together. Eventually she turned up on my doorstep unannounced (yep, she flew 3000+ kms without telling me first) and basically made me beg her to admit it was over (even though I found out later she was already in a relationship with someone else). We stayed friends and she continued to treat me as a confidant, support person and personal assistant, and still tried to control what I was doing and who I was seeing (which was nothing and no one anyway). Eventually, at the beginning of this year, I finally cut her out of my life for good. It was really hard to do because she had isolated me from everyone, and even though she was abusive, at least she was there. Wow, I read that and feel so pathetic. 🙁

I love that you enjoy mowing and I totally understand how it could feel like freedom—it doesn’t sound twisted at all. My wife wouldn’t let me grow my hair, so for the last couple of years that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. (Just quietly, it’s totally driving me nuts as the weather heats up, and I’m getting it all chopped off tomorrow. But at least I can say I grew it out. Now cutting it is my choice.) 🙂

The book thread thing was totally MY overthinking. My brain is really not my friend at all.

I’m glad you had a nice day yesterday. I’m sorry today has been so rubbish and bus-filled. 🙁 I hope tomorrow will be a kinder, brighter, gentler (bus-free!) day. 🌷

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

This is me trying my hardest to the do the opposite to what my head is telling me tonight after a really rubbish day. I have half an hour until I can take emergency use only sleep meds (which I so rarely take that they are certain to work well tonight) and rest my mashed up brain. Spending it in the nest sounds like a good way to wait it out.

@Mazarita 💗 to you. Hope the day has been ok (I haven't been far beyond here and an ocean today to read).

@Maggie - I got goosebumps reading your comment about the noise of your heart sounding deafening. Huge understanding hugs for that. The chatter about freezing and ducks and hurricanes and quietness was bubbling away in my head today and because of that I had some ideas about it. I wasn't able to post them but they're sitting in a folder of drafted to come back to posts. I hope the day has been ok for you.

@Shaz51 seeing you fly around the forum makes me smile often, as does seeing you pop up @Appleblossom. Hope you're both well.

@Former-Member - I have big time missed you but have wanted to give you space (which has also had me worried you'd think I was ignoring you). All of those things you dropped off made me feel good today thank you. I have been wondering how you're getting on and how things are going with D also. I am really interested in hearing but if you do want to share. A real life cuppa with you would be great. Bug ones to you 🐝🐛💗

@Former-Member thank you again for your sharing. Sorry to hear you weren't/aren't feeling great either. I hope it wasn't buses - they hurt! I have read your post/story and I wanted to say that I don't think any of it is pathetic and I'm sorry to hear you experienced what you did. In saying that, what others think is much less important (as in not important) than how you feel yourself though. For what it's worth, when I look back at the relationship I was in that shared similar stuff to what I am thinking/hearing yours did, I can feel pathetic too. It does messy things.

I did squeeze some LF a bit extra tonight. Puffer fish and I had a very feel good moment with Dr Suess book (Great day for up). They're learning lots about words at the moment and exclamation marks are a big thing for them as I think they think it's a great opportunity for shouting. Nearly every single two and three word sentence in Great Day for Up ends in one. My headache and I seriously regretted picking that book tonight, but it was squeeze worthy heart feely ☺ It's great to have you around bookish and I too hope tomorrow is brighter for all.

It's nearly time for bed and I am glad I spent the last bit of the night here. Things will feel better for me in the morning, they always do. At least until the working day starts 😝😉 Maybe that's why the hours between whatever silly time I wake up and school drop off time are my favourite.

Hope the night is ok for all.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Big hugs back @CheerBear 😙💜
Yes, we will chat soon.
I'm heading in shower then bed soon.
Too tired to think to type.
Glad you have some emergency meds to get you through this awful time.
But, I know they're just emergency one's
I have some as well, but only like them occasionally.
Hope a big sleep will help you feel a bit better tomorrow
Nighty night 💟🌹🌸🌷

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh amd hi @Former-Member re earlier msg 😀🌷

And hi @Teej 💜
Loved the flower pic the other day

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning nest dwellers,

This is a super quick flyby because I REALLY need to get some stuff done here in the really real world. @CheerBear I am thinking that you might still be snuggled in your blanket practicing being still. I so very VERY badly want the buses to stop squishing you.

My day has dawned brighter than yesterday and I super badly hope yours has too, though I fear it may not have. I am going to do some stuff here in the really real world, and then later try to start DBT-ing.

I loved your story about you reading with puffer fish. Does puffer fish have "Oh the places you'll go?" I am mildly obsessed with that book at the moment and I super badly wish puffer fish and I could read it together.

I hope something good happens in your world today CheerBear - and that goes for everyone else in the nest too; @Former-Member @Former-Member @Appleblossom @Shaz51.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning to all in the nest. 😊

Hi @CheerBear and @Phoenix_Rising. Wishing you both a kinder, brighter day than yesterday—with zero buses. 🦄 🐢

@Zoe7, I hope you are as okay as you can be. I miss seeing you around. 🦋 🌷

Must go. I’ll be back later. 🌷

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