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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Greetings to all in the nest.

Good morning, @CheerBear. I’m glad today has dawned brighter than yesterday. I hope you and the LF have a lovely day.

I’m glad you liked my eleventy million dollar answer. I have huge anxiety around rules too—usually to my own detriment. I live in constant fear that Centrelink (Rule City) will cancel my DSP and I’ll end up homeless and completely destitute.

You’re not alone in not having heard of quiet BPD. It’s not an official thing, just a different presentation of the traits where all that dysregulated emotion is internalised and directed towards the self. Not long after I got ‘married’ (as married as is possible in this backwards country), my wife went to a BPD carers meeting. She came home bewildered and said, ‘But you don’t throw saucepans at me.’ Sometimes I wish I could let some of the big emotions out (and in hindsight, I really should have thrown some saucepans). I wish I could be kinder to myself.

And that leads me to your questions … What makes me feel good inside? Unfortunately, not really anything. ‘Good’ is not really something I experience. I can feel glad (sometimes even happy) for other people when something good happens for them. Like helping people with their essays—I’m glad I can help them feel better/less stressed. Hugging my cat and having her purr against my chest is nice, but mostly I feel like she’d be better off without me. I am so grateful for her though—I wouldn’t be here without her.

As pessimistic as it sounds, I think the only thing that has really helped me has been accepting that I’m probably not going to get well. That allowed me to stop beating myself up quite so much for not getting better, despite almost twenty years of actively trying. Now my focus is on living the best life I can in spite of my illness. But I recognise and accept my limitations now (of course, they still make me really sad). I do still hold on to the teeniest-tiny glimmer of hope that I might be able to access therapy in the future that will be helpful. I haven’t totally given up, but it is a fight every single day to stay alive.

I don’t have people in my life who I consider ‘my people’. I had a few friends (two of them quite close) before I got married, but my wife cut me off from everyone. I’ve reconnected with one friend since I got back to Victoria and he was incredibly understanding, but it’s not the same anymore. I don’t feel like I have any real friends—certainly not anyone I could call and say ‘hey, I’m not feeling so safe, could you come and sit with me?’ A big part of that is my fault though, because my pattern of avoiding abandonment is not to let people in in the first place. They can’t leave me if I don’t let them in.

As far as family goes, that’s just messy and a really long, boring story. The short version: I don’t have family support.

To be honest, I’m starting feel like I might have found ‘my people’ here in Forum Land. That said, friends are scary and connecting is hard and … yep, it’s all just scary. But I’m still here. 😊

My favourite colour is green, but I also like black and grey (which I know are technically not colours). I find colour really overwhelming sometimes.

Tassie is mostly about the weather, but it is also really beautiful there. I knew I wanted to live there even before I visited. I don’t mind where I am living now in regional Victoria, but summer is too unbearable. I am a mountain/forest person rather than a beach/ocean person, and a small city at the base of a beautiful mountain just seems very right to me. I’d prefer not to live in a city, but I am mindful that the city is where I’ll have the best chance of accessing services. I don’t know anyone in Tasmania but it doesn’t matter because it will be no different to here. (If anything, I’ll feel better about the lack of family support because I can rationalise it due to the physical distance.)

It would have been good to have a specific Brene Brown area (I was thinking ‘Brene Brown: books, tips and wisdom’ or something). But we can still post links and quotes and stuff in the book club thread. I feel like the ‘starting a thread’ thing got blown way out of proportion and feel quite icky about causing that.

I did read about the buckets and I love the idea of venting into a bucket and then throwing it out of the nest. 😊

I’m aware that this draft post is getting REALLY long so I’m going to stop talking now and just post it.

Wishing you a lovely day of biking and mowing (okay, so mowing is never lovely, but the end result is usually pretty great) and LF time. 😊🌷

I hope today is what everyone needs it to be.🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Former-Member, @CheerBear

I am not in a forum headspace today, nothing bad but just read a few posts and realised it's a good day to try to do some things as responding is going to hurt my brain too much :face_with_rolling_eyes:

I just wanted to say that I too identify with the quiet or inward BPD stuff. And I love tassie.

Hoping that I'll come back on later to actually write English again without it hurting 😳😜

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oops and @Former-Member our lovely @Faith-and-Hope took the cue and started a new thread called Book club - let's talk Brene brown. You can find it here. I'm so glad she did.

And while I'm tagging @Faith-and-Hope wanted to share a laugh with you......and anyone else reading who knows the story. I went to lighten my avatar last night. Felt proud of it. Looked at it today and it's darker than the last one lol 😂 Back to the drawing board. Now I'll shut up 🤐 😜😳:face_with_rolling_eyes:😘

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member I live in Tassie and it's great. Just dropping in a hi to everyone in the nest.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi in the nest ☺

I'm having a moment of peace in the shade of the lemon tree and it's lovely. It's peaceful in that the LF are running totally bananas squealing in the backyard playing with a huge inflatable sprinkler ball and a slip and slide (which scares me). They want to put the sprinkler under the trampoline to play "Marco Polo" next (scares me more!). It's really nice to see and hear 🙂

@Former-Member - I hate how backwards our country is and can only imagine how hard it is to feel the effects of it in the way you may feel it. Centrelink are a source of huge fear for me and I can so much understand the fear of homelessness too 🙁 Hearing you on all of what you've written.

Wow re the carers meeting and your wife (and the saucepans). I have so much I would like to reply with and ask but know it might be my own stuff bubbling away and possibly not helpful at all. I can imagine that not having your symptoms and presentation understood might add a range of tricky stuff into an already hard mix though. How long has it been since you and your wife separated?

I'm sorry to hear 'good' is not something you feel much of in your life. At my very darkest, good has been missing too and it's been seriously hard going. I have so much respect for the power of acceptance but also how hard it can be. Even a teeny tiny glimmer of hope can be enough.

Hearing that there's no-one you'd call and be able to ask to sit with you, makes me think of the power of the people here and how meaningful and valuable it is to have people to do that with. It's not the same as in person, but it has it's advantages also. I also so understand the fear of losing people. I put huge walls up after losing mine. It's scary becoming close to people here for the reason that I know people can and do disappear. My heart hurts more without people in my life than it does thinking of them leaving though, but I do understand that is so much an individual thing. It's so cool to read that you're finding people here and I too am so glad you're here. I kind of love here 😊

Tassie looks beautiful (from photos - which is as close as I think I'll get anytime soon unless water stops separating it from the main land haha). I hope you get your home in a small city by a mountain - that sounds pretty fabulous. Green is awesome (from a person who loves wearing black and appreciates it also).

Sorry to hear the book thread thing felt a bit icky. I was really keen to have one started, but thought I'd ask you and Maggie first in case it was an opportunity to try something that maybe felt a bit scary but was probably pretty safe. Then I worried about treading on toes if I started it, but also didn't want to let it be an idea that didn't happen kind of thing. That was my bad and don't think you caused anything at all. (There's also a glimpse into my totally overthinking it brain :face_with_rolling_eyes: )!

No bikes today but lots of playing outside instead (their choice). The end result of my mowing and whipper snippering is good to look at. I agree that mowing is maybe not lovely but I heaps of fun with the mower and snipper and enjoy it (most of the time) as much as the end result. I think it's one of those things I wasn't really 'allowed' to do that makes it great because of that. It almost feels like freedom in a way (that probably sounds so twisted haha 😛), which I have lots of quirky things like that. Plus I love my straw Bunnings hat and awesome unicorn singlet I wear in the garden 😆

Thank you for sharing more of you with us bookish. I really am enjoying getting to know you 🌸 I hope your day has been ok enough for you.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Ps hi @Teej 😊

Lol with the writing English without it hurting. Totally understand how that can happen sometimes!

And another lol with the avatar drawing board. I read your about your avatar and love this idea! Having a visible brightness meter - big fan!

Hope your day has been ok 💗

Hiya also @Maggie 💓

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning, @CheerBear, @Teej, @Shaz51, @Maggie, @Former-Member and everyone,

Have just caught up on some earlier posts here this morning.

CB, sending you good house-hunting wishes to you this morning.

Thanks to everyone who mentioned me earlier about connecting on the forum. I especially thank @Former-Member, @PeppiPatty and @Appleblossom for being there when I first arrived a couple of years ago. Those were much quieter days on the forum! Good times. There's been a lot of good forum times since too, and many wonderful people. Grateful to everyone here really.

@Teej, @Former-Member, I too am interested in the 'quiet' distinction in diagnosis. I am so well practised in presenting a calm and reasonable exterior to people, it's almost automatic. But inside I feel I am very different to how I seem. A lot of my struggle with bipolar seems internalised, to the point of immobilisation quite often. Thanks for talking about this.

Hope today is kind to all.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest ☺

Hi @Mazarita 😊 Thanks for you well wishes with the house hunting. I'm doing my best to keep my stress and anxiety about it under control today. 9am Monday brings the start of the working week, which makes me feel the need to brace myself and prepare for anything that could happen :face_with_rolling_eyes: I'll get there. I read about your tooth being added to the health challenges at the moment. A papadum 😮. Hoping things take a turn for the better for you soon!

The idea of internalising to the point of immobilsation reminds me of my 'freeze'. When I can't get/get out what I want or need to for whatever reason I feel like I can literally freeze. It doesn't feel great.

Random thought came to mind when I was pondering the 'quiet' diagnosis idea while reading this message this morning. My psychologist has said I can appear like a duck, in that from the outside I look like I am cruising along, but under the surface there are some serious flapping and scrambling feet happening. I wonder if that's a similar kind of thing.

From memory, you were my first connection on the forum when I nervously posted. I've appreciated your presence ever since. You're pretty fab Mazarita 💗

Hope the morning has started off well for all 😊

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Morning @CheerBear and everyone. It's really interesting reading through the ' quiet' diagnosis and the 'freeze'. I liked particularly your psychs observation of the duck. Personally I come across as brain dead on the outside, but inside a hurricane is in full swing. Sometime the noise of my own heartbeat is deafening and I'm amazed everyone else doesn't hear it. If they do they don't say so. I've had two experiences with smashing dishes on my back fence, everything else has been internalised. !!!!!!!!

Hope your house hunting goes okish @CheerBear. 💖💕💜💛💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

thinking of you today @CheerBear, hope it goes okish

Hello @Maggie, @Mazarita, @Teej, @Former-Member

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