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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thank you @Teej for sharing your stories. There is rarely a time when people sharing their stories with me isn't helpful and doesn't do good.

I just wrote a big long thing about what the old life housing life used to be like, but I have realised I can't share it here because I am too scared to. Big has spent about half of their life living in a life living with me as a single me. The others have spent more than that, to the point where one has vague memories of it being different maybe (or maybe just from photos) and the other has no idea and can't imagine it. In that respect, the lifestyle hasn't changed too much. The friends and family and community definitely has.

Where you moved to sounds similar to where I am now. It's hard going. I will stay in the area because of the school thing. The hardest part now is actually finding a house as there really aren't too many options, and the options that are there seem to have so much competition, I stand little to no chance on paper. It's getting scary. Despite looking like whatever the heck the not-so-nice men in a ute wanted to call me yesterday, I am really friendly in person and know I can talk my way into it if someone wants to give us a chance, so it's a matter today of trying that.

I like the idea of swapping some good for bad but getting some bad swapped for good in return. I think that's going to be the attitude I need to have. I think hearing that really helps today. The bad I will lose is a turkey landlord and that is worth all the minor bad that may come. It's not forever.

Thank you again Teej. It means heaps.

I have to run now as the inspection is soon. Crossing everything it is ok enough (like not unsafe, that's about my standard now) as it is the most affordable one of them at the moment. Then crossing everything that I can pull off whatever I need to get the application over the line.

Thank you for popping past also @Zoe7 - your post made me smile heaps.

Time for unmelting myself and putting on my best happy face (even if it is a fake one today 😉 )

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising Thank you. I have genuinely been listening to the voice of a turtle in a pocket in a spiky black (and seriously awesome) handbag today that helps to turn down the volume of the unhelpful "this is what you deserve" messages. I feel so horribly alone, but less so with a pocket full of company and a nest on a phone.

Ps @Teej - I still rainbow walk everywhere. There are purple flowers at this house according to the photos (and purple on a walk isn't always easy to spot). It's gotta be a good sign 🙂

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear

I just saw the pic of the flowers. It's beautiful. What flower is it?
I also have a story to tell. I saw your lilac on the community garden the other day. A few hours after I was at my parents house and found this

I took a photo and was going to post it on the community garden but the conversation had moved and it didn't seem appropriate. I didn't know they had a lilac tree until then. It smelled wonderful.

I love that you still do the rainbow walk. And yes purple can be a hard one......although I can cheat and look in my handbag.....purple purse, purple phone cover, purple key ring ,purple glasses case etc 😜.

I hope you get to talk your way into a house. I wish it wasn't so hard 😖.

💜🤗💐

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I love that story and that photo thank you @Teej 💗 I'm on a lilac hunt at the moment - they smell amazing. The one I took a photo of is an azalea (a giant one!)

There were so many people there 😔 The yard is definitely a fixer upper-er (rubbish, bits and pieces everywhere, broken stuff including shed, it looks like a jungle etc). The house is good and affordable. Safe (security screens), big enough (probably). The neighbourhood is dodgy (they all are here - finding our street skills lol) but so full of flowers and the sounds of birds and it's near one of the LF favourite places to be. We could ride to school from here on better weather days. It would do. It's not great but it would do.

The one this morning was tiny (almosy scary tiny), safe in that it is tucked behind bushes but doesn't have security beyond windows and a wooden front door. It's not walking to school distance and it's much more expensive. But it was maybe ok. Maybe.

I've got something to work with possibly. Maybe there's no hope today but maybe I'm just feeling like little miss negative a bit. I don't know. I know I really have done the best I can today and that there really couldn't be more that I could do than that though.

At least living so far away means I have plenty of time for crying it out and not sharing the car stereo on my way now 😉

Thanks for being here and listening and sharing 💓

Hope the day is ok for anyone reading.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hugs @CheerBear

Love the picture too @Teej

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi everyone. I hope the day is brighter where you are. 🌷

Hi @Teej—the flowers are beautiful. 😊


I’m sorry you’re having funny forum feelings, @CheerBear. (I wish I could stop having those myself.) For what it’s worth, talking to you and feeling connected this past week has meant so much to me.

Please do ask me questions if/when you have them. I definitely won’t think you’re intruding. I’m pretty open, but feel uncomfortable sharing unprompted because of the self-doubt and self-hate (‘who would want to hear about me anyway’). If you ask something I can’t answer, I will let you know. My story is a long one, but really not interesting.

If I found eleventy million dollars in a gutter … I would take it to the police so they could see if it belonged to anyone. (Though if someone with eleventy million dollars was careless enough to just leave/lose it in a gutter, I’m not so sure they deserve to have it. Or they’ve got more money than sense.) If the police couldn’t find the owner and I got to keep it, there are lots of things I would want to do with it. On a selfish level, I would buy a small house in Tassie so I could experience the safety of having a home for the first time. I’d also make sure I had enough money to get the sort of long-term intensive therapy that might help me heal a little from my complex trauma and potentially result in my wanting to be alive. With the rest of the money … I worked in animal rescue with some amazing, selfless people when I lived in Perth and I would like to be able to help them (and other animal rescues) help even more animals. I also ‘know’ (not-know?) two future amazing helping people and I would like to help them change the world. 😊 I guess in general I’d just want to help as many people and animals as I could.

I know it sounds stupid, but I don’t think I'm at the point yet where I feel comfortable enough to start a thread. (The idea of my avatar being next to a topic and having to see it and other people seeing it … wow, I am such a freak.) I would be extremely grateful if you or @Maggie started a Brene Brown bookclub thread at some point—I would happily contribute. My book is winging its way to me now.

I’m sorry you’re having a dark day. @Phoenix_Rising is right—you and the LF deserve a big spacious house with a giant yard in a safe suburb. I know that might not all be achievable right now, but it IS what you deserve. I hope it all gets sorted soon. I know how hard I find the uncertainty and I don’t have LF (just a little cat). I’m sending you lots of amazing bajingily positive house vibey-energies. (Yep, that’s definitely a thing.) 😊

Stopping the essay here. I really hope the rest of your weekend is brighter. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member I know exactly what you mean. Looks like the the book club is your @CheerBear, I have no confidence with things like that, but hope to contribute. My books are also winging their way to me @Former-Member. Funny forum feelings must be on the menu this week end!!!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I've just had the biggest most gigantic smiles reading your post @Former-Member thank you 💓

Bajingily vibey-energies are definitely a thing (and I love that they're a thing!) - sending them to you for the rest of your day too.

I'll reply properly later but wanted to say thank you heaps for writing and sharing 😊

Hugs to you @Maggie and @Former-Member also - both who I have now read have the funny feels happening.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

There's definitely no rush though, @CheerBear, and only if you want to. 🌷 (Bookclub, I mean.)

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Maggie, @Former-Member

I just wanted to say how 'normal' it is to fear starting new threads and being unsure where to jump in. I joined the forum in nov 2015. I posted my first post very nervously in April 2016. I started off very bumpy as after my second post I was told to start a thread of my own. That felt completely overwhelming at the time. I also felt like I was different to everyone else because my story was different. Long story long I eventually joined the nightshift thread where three very beautiful souls welcomed me.... @eth, @Mazarita and @Faith-and-Hope. I will always be grateful for their patience and kindness. Then when I did start a new thread it was one when I was in crisis :face_with_rolling_eyes:. I used to freak out if I looked at the recent posts and saw my avatar three times there. I'd stop posting until you couldn't see them anymore. It's been a long and continuing journey (sorry for the use of that word) to feel comfortable here but it feels like home most of the time. I still struggle with how to be me here. I hope this helps you to know that many of us go through the difficult feelings sometimes on the forum.

I've downloaded the audio book of brenes latest book on the day it was released 😳but hadn't been in a space to listen to it. I'm thinking that perhaps I could be encouraged to look at it again and join a discussion. 💜🤗💐

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