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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear, I super love your wallpaper!!!!!!!!!!

I am super glad we are all there so close by you. Today is HARD CheerBear.

Your plan for kicking off the DBT adventure sounds super fine to me. So does this mean I would start working on "Wise Mind; Mindfulness what skills" for the following week?

I super want to include the link to the online worksheets. Have you tested it out putting it in the address bar rather than the search bar?

I have to go and practice my violin now. I'm going to drag myself to my lesson in an hour.

Yay for us doing the doing bit CheerBear. I'm pretty sure we will make some oopsies along the way...and that's totally ok.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

My wallpaper makes me laugh everytime I turn on my computer @Phoenix_Rising 😄

Souds like a plan re the DBT doing bit 🙂 I will be brave and post my post on Monday.

I checked out the link and it works! I am also very glad I keep all my emails and can search "link address bar" in my inbox rather than try to sift through the DBT HQ filing cabinet - it's an effective system (unlike housing, public health, family violence... 😉 )

I hope your violin lesson was good 🙂

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear. Once again I am part way through drafting a response but I’m not going to get there tonight. I’ve had a pretty rubbish day and am trying to keep my head above water. I’m glad your psychologist appointment was helpful. I’m sorry it hasn’t been the greatest week for you.

Wishing you a lovely weekend with the LF. I will reply properly tomorrow. 🌷

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hiya @Former-Member, @CheerBear, @Phoenix_Rising, @Maggie, @Former-Member

I hope this finds you all well. It's been a while since my last visit to the nest. I'm dropping in to say hi more than needing to curl up in the nest. Thought I'd drop these in too hoping to brighten your Saturday morning.

Life for me is a still a roller coaster.......think I've earned my lifetime membership to ride free I've been on so many. My sharks are all swimming and playing nicely in life......and yes they can be as chaotic as their mother. The latest one being son getting to the airport last week 15 min before his plane was due to take off. He was so lucky it was running late. I was the sucker who was the taxi driver :face_with_rolling_eyes:😜 dealing with the stress.

Im still finding my feet on the forum again. I've had lots of 'connecting the dots' in the last few weeks. The biggest one for a while perhaps was Thursday when I finally understood what my therapist is doing with me. doh! It's only been 18months 😳.

At the moment there is a fair bit of conflicting stuff with DBT and it's been doing my head in a bit. I have been reading your DBT page but staying my distance for now until I get it sorted in my head. I still very much suck at 'if feeling this, then do this'. Some of it I love and some of it I have walls up for. My relationship with DBT has been very turbulent of late 😬:face_with_rolling_eyes:. But I'm not one to give up on any relationships so I'm trying to sort it out.

I hope everyone in the nest is doing ok. Sending a big callout to @Former-Member who I've missed and hope you are doing ok.

💜🤗💐😊

🐢💐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It's lovely to see you @Teej. You always brighten up my morning. Today is a dark one so I appreciate the brightening a lot.

I took this for you yesterday as I went walking around a garden while I was reading about an elephant.

I didn't know where to post it though so I didn't. There are so many of them out at the moment in so many colours and they're beautiful.

Good to hear the sharks are playing nicely and that you are still going along, even if it's on a free rollercoaster.

💙

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Lol @CheerBear. I saw you read about an elephant. I'm more than happy for you to join in any zoo stories. It's never meant to be private even though I usually call out to @Faith-and-Hope (she has a long history of picking Humpty Dumpty up and putting her back together). It's never been an exclusive thing. I'm sure she'd love the break from the glue gun 😂😜.

Has anything made today dark? I'm here if you want to talk.

💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I get funny forum feelings sometimes @Teej questioning whether what I want to say might be helpful or not, wondering whether someone might or might not want to hear or see that I am there etc. I am tipping you know about those kinds of feelings. Thank you for saying that it's ok to join in with zoo stories.

Today is a housing day. I am struggling with this one heaps. I have been all over the place so I can do open houses without some piranhas, and before the bing bang there would have been no reason to go all over the place. It really sucks.

I can't shake the words and messages like "this is what is best for you", "this is what you deserve", this will be good for you and the LF" etc. When I do the housing thing, I 'see' what that means and it doesn't line up with what I think we (or anyone deserves). I am really finding it hard to find a way to stretch myself to put a wonky roof over my family's head, and be ok with living quietly in hiding, in a place I never imagined I would live that's away from my people. I find it hard to keep trying to have hope when I keep getting knocked over. It's the resilience feeling pointless without resources thing.

Today I am trying my best to wear my "it'll all work out, it's not forever, you've done hard for a while you can do it a little longer" attitude. Deep inside there's something bubbling away that is very different to this attitude though.

That's what's made today dark Teej 😞 Sorry for spilling. I am big time sad and just want to lie on our lounge, not get up to do houses.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm not so sure how to respond @CheerBear. On one hand I want to do all the positives for you and relay positive stories and on the other I know they suck and it's all so very unfair. I know you worked very hard to have the life you had, including your home.

I also feel like I can't talk because I was very very lucky when I got thrown into all this mess too. I went to the psych ward from my family home and then into a rental. I had no ref papers, 4 teenage sons and a dog. My parents talked the real estate agent into giving to me while I was still in hospital. I never saw it but it worked out ok.

I had to move out of that house 18 months ago because I could no longer afford it. The house I moved into was in a suburb I was scared of, my kids hated it and I just struggled with lots of things like seized windows and lots of other broken things. The very lucky spoilt part of this story is my brother bought this house for me to rent as I couldn't afford much at all. I chose it as the best one of a bad lot. Anyway it took a long time to adjust. I lucked in with good neighbours and actually like living here now and so do the boys. We don't have housing inspections and I have some security for a little while longer. Once the kids move out I can't afford this either. I used to freak out so badly with rental inspections I'd SH and end up in hospital. By the third one my kids wouldn't let me out of their sight that day 😔😖. I swapped some bad for good and vice versa. I guess this is my way of saying that it sucks and it's not fair but just maybe you'll swap some bad for some good and vice versa. It's not forever.

Having said all that the hardest, most stressful part is that of finding something to call home. Once you are there I'm sure it will be ok, not great but home and ok.

I'm not sure if your situation is similar but my kids went from a very middle class lifestyle with friends who have all got two parents working and they often go on family holidays overseas. My boys have adjusted and taken it in their stride. The biggest backlash I had was from my youngest who has struggled with it the most. I think though it's made him a better and more appreciative person. He is nearly an adult and is doing really really well now, he has a great outlook for his life.

I hope this long post is more helpful than harmful. Sometimes sharing our stories can be unhelpful too.

Crossing fingers and toes that today you find a good house. 💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I don't want to leave TOR today (even to hide away in the underwater cave) so this is a super quick run across our rainbow path to say Hi

...and to whisper to you that (according to her emails) this little flutterby should not online shop for books when she can't sleep as she has no idea how much she has spent and does not want to check her account just in case it is waaaaaay too much Looks like I will be reading along with you soon though CB lol (at least in 3-7 business days anyway )

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear

I am having a very wonky day and thus far I have done nothing productive. Therefore I will be jumping off Forum Land for at least a few hours after this post to try and get some things done. I just wanted to say how superly duperly duperly superly your housing situation sucks. You and the LF deserve a big spacious house with a giant yard in a safe suburb. That is what you deserve. Anything less, is less than you deserve.

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