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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Looks like we need a bridge here people ..... only I haven't got my iPad with me to find something that Dr Seuss might have built ..... lol .....

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm so confused but laughing a lot right now!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm off to the loo. Ha ha ha definitely need a bridge, still laughing!!!!!!!!

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Haha me too @Maggie 😄

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Maggie @CheerBear @Faith-and-Hope and anyone else in the nest today,

I have been wanting to get back here for the past couple of days and haven't quite made it. This is now my last stop before I jump out of Forum Land for a few hours and actually do some work.

I am super busting to know the answer to the BM puzzle. Are you going to share what was in your head regarding that term @CheerBear? Was it bowel movement or something else??? Either way, I am anticipating more giggling.

@Faith-and-Hope back to your bridge building post of the other day...

You are right that I've got the hang of the "I statements" thing. I learnt that from the DBT manual (shameless plug for DBT there ). I want, I need, I feel, I believe. Yep, I can do that bit.

Regarding focusing on what I do have rather than don't have, one of the main reasons I'm now in the pickle I'm in is because everyone seems to be so obsessed with the positive reframing thing, that the deficits haven't been addressed. It was SO refreshing to be able to talk to my turtle whisperer about how yeah, I really DO annoy the heck out of people. I DO come across as argumentative. I DO trigger defensiveness in other people. This isn't being negative, it's simply calling it as it is. And that works a bazillion times better for me than trying to downplay it or just focus on the positives. By focusing on the deficits, I think I have a better chance of figuring out ways to compensate for them / live better with them etc. Pretending they aren't there does not work.

It isn't so much that my muddled communication makes me feel like giving up...it's that everyone else gives up on me. Every friend has walked out of my world. Lifeline counsellors hang up on me. Therapists ditch me as a client. You see? It isn't that I give up, it's that others dump me for exhibiting the very issues that I'm seeking help with.

Forum Land works so superly duperly well for me. I actually have relatively few miscommunications here compared to anywhere else. I know this is because I can super take my time to plan my responses and when I AM super struggling, no one can see (or hear!!!!!) what I might be doing to deal with that. Hence I can come out sounding much calmer in Forum Land than I actually am a lot of the time.

I've mentioned before that I was super active in the online forums at uni and it seemed like I had built close relationships there. However, the few times I connected in the real world with those "friends" it all fell apart super quickly with them telling me that in real life I'm nothing like I am in cyberspace. I can see that this is because cyberspace dampens the intensity of...well...me. Things that can seem funny and quirky in cyberspace are far less so when I'm on the end of the phone, and even less so when I'm with someone face-to-face. I am so very VERY grateful for Forum Land.

And...having said that, I need to now disappear from Forum Land and so some work!!!

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest
@Phoenix_Rising Your googling led you to what I was referring to (and I'll tag @Maggie and @Faith-and-Hope in this also). It is why it gave me a giggle, especially when there I read a comment about things going wrong with a BM or something similar 😛 So inappropriate but I had to put on my seeing this not from a CheerBear glasses to make sense of it at first.
On that note, I am really undecided about whether I share where I am at with this one (without the gory details), as it's really hard to talk about but also really hard to sit with on my own. It is another element of the tricky things I have to work through. So glad this is a place where I can choose whether to share or what to share though, as it seems there are many places I don't get much of a choice in what is shared (like medical appointments). Either way, I will have even more answers next week and a plan - two things I like a lot 🙂
This is for you this morning @Former-Member
and one for you also @Maggie
And plenty more for anyone who may be reading and wanting one also

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I can see how sitting with any issues associated with BMs could be uncomfortable @CheerBear. I too am struggling to sit with a tricky BM issue.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I've just been completely flattened with some housing news and came to vent about it when I saw that message @Phoenix_Rising. Im laugh-crying now thank you.

My CM called and I have a 1/120+ chance of getting that house. Over 120 people have applied for it in 4 days. They've cancelled the open house inspections and are sorting through paper to offer it now. An unemployed single mum with pets, who broke our last lease, had some bond taken (a key went into a box when the strangers packed our house - that's all), and has a shaky recent housing history including a stint of "no fixed address", has much less than a 1/120 chance on paper. That's reality and that's the lingering effects of the big bang, as that paper was SO different before all of this and that paper won't change for any application I make for housing unless someone gives us a chance.

Big, big, big time ouch 😞

And now a big breath as I pick myself up to try and do the things I need to today.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

That super super super sucks @CheerBear. I superly duperly wish I could do more than make you laugh-cry, like, say, buy you and the LF a house.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear 💜💜💜 sorry things are like this for you......giggling about the BM though???????

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