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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I've had a big case of the sads today. Sads maybe isn't the right word because it doesn't feel like normal sads. It feels like 'I wish there was more I could have done to stop it', type sads. The type of sads where I am so glad I didn't know what was coming back then. I didn't expect it to be like this today and I feel frustrated that I missed seeing that maybe today would be hard because now I am here I know exactly why I am feeling like this. When I look back, today was the last day that life was normal. Life stopped tomorrow. It paused for a few days after it stopped while my head caught up with it, then it shook for a couple more as I scrambled to try to work through it, and then it went bang in a way that I didn't see coming. I'm as prepared for this as I could have been, but it isn't stopping it from being painful.

I've worked through all the first steps in my 'help me get through it' plan, and have done things today that feel good. I've hit the point where the next step is "tell someone how I'm feeling". Being that there really aren't too many people in my life beyond here, and the ones that are around either aren't around right now or don't/can't understand, here I am in the nest. I know there's nothing anyone can say or do, but I am hoping that by being here it relieves some of it.

I am holding on to hope that it won't be like this forever, even if it feels like it will now. I have a reminder on me that 'everything changes' and soon I will add another reminder that will be something along the lines of 'trusting the journey even if I don't understand it'. I am adding this reminder as my way of acknowledging what I have been through to get to here, and as something to look forward to for making it through what has felt scary for months, when (not if and the 'not if' is something I am proud of today), I have made it through it.

I don't understand it and I don't understand why it happened to us or why it happened at all. It feels like a huge kick to my chest when I hear someone tell me that "everything happens for a reason", but I feel like I am allowed to say that to myself. I feel like I need to say it to myself because there has to be a reason that it happened. The only reason I can think of right now is that when I am beyond this I will be so much more able to make a difference somewhere and somehow. If I had given up, this would have been for nothing, and this can't have been for nothing.

I went out today and spent some time looking for rainbows because the weather was perfect for it. I came home and spent time in the garden and have taken photos for our garden here, which I am looking forward to sharing. I snuggled with Mouse and Noodle under a pink fluffy blanket and let myself have a moment feeling like I was melting in a puddle of tears. Now I have told someone how I am feeling (because I know someone will read this), I am ready to pick myself up again and go out on a very unusual for me adventure which I am looking forward to. And then I will be home again and in my blanket ready to work my way through the next days. We have fun things planned this week which will help a lot.

Thank you to anyone who has read this and who has been part of me finding my 'when' not 'if'.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Dear @CheerBear, thank you for sharing your heart and journey with us here. I believe in your strength, and your future. I am on mobile and won't respond at length. Know that I am with you and listening.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I have heard you. I am here with you right now and I will be here during the superly duperly tricky days and I will be here when you come out the other side of those days. You've got this. 😊

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Oh @CheerBear I can't bear 🐻 that you're so sad. Tears fall for you and me. But I'm glad you are a wise bear that went looking for rainbows and spent time in the garden. You are so special and your posts seem often are eloquently written and relevant. They speak in a special language of their own. 🤗 and ♥ @CheerBear

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

You're doing really well to look after yourself during this difficult time @CheerBear. Well done for reaching out and thank you for sharing this part of your journey and showing us what resilience looks like.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear

I was trying to think of something to write and kept coming up short when I realised that all the wisdom I could have dreamed of writing had already been written by you. As much as the emotion of this time needs acknowledgement and feelings because it all sucks please know you already are an inspiration with the way you are dealing with it. You are amazing! You will create a new wonderful life again. For now though I sit with you understanding the enormity of this anniversary time and send many hugs and flowers. 💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Here with you @CheerBear am glad that you shared how this is going for you, I hear you and how strong you are. hugs

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

😙 💜💟💗💕

Big hugs @CheerBear

🌹🌼🌹🌼🌹🌼🌹🌼🌹🌼🌹🌼🌹🌼🌹🌼🌹

☕🍰🍩🍦🍫

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I'm back home and in my blanket and wanting to say a huge thank you to those who have called past the nest tonight, and for your kind words. I feel so 'felt' tonight, and that's a great feeling to be ending the day with.

Thank you so much 💗

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear, got your 'like' and guessing you are around on the forum just now. I'm here if you want to chat at all. If not, hope you sleep as well as possible tonight. Love to you.

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