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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I've got the shakes and feel sick. This stuff makes me go from 0-100. I think it's what you noted @Teej - big, big decisions being need to be made all but on the spot.

I wrote only last week that moving the LF was something I'd decided was not going to happen. @Faith-and-Hope I think you mentioned it as a boundary I'd set and I am going back to that feeling. I felt comfortable and confident that it was hugely important to keep them there. I loved having set that boundary and feeling like it was right, when there was lots that may not be right.

I'm doubting myself because I know housing is the basic needs stuff. I keep this family afloat and the stress of housing threatens to drown me often. But from the LF perspective, that stability, safety, security etc has been the thing that has kept them afloat (not that fish should float ever but you know what I mean). They get it at home but they get it at school in a way that they haven't had before and need so much, now more than ever.

If I go down while they're so little, they could too, as you touched on @Teej. But if they go down, I really would. Right now, they are my life. While they're doing so well, I find it in me to keep on keeping on.

They moved schools before the big bang @Teej, a couple of times. The bang caused enormous disruption in terms of school for them and I'd made it a priority right from when it all down, to give them as much stability as possible from the word go. I so much believe that kids are resilient and they've shown that they are, but I feel like there has to be a point where I do what I can to give them a break from needing to be.

The schools there are totally different @Faith-and-Hope, because the area is totally different. The idea that fear is not truth is so important for me to remember now. I'm afraid we won't get another house, which is a fear, it's not likely to be true. We've always found a place to live. I'm afraid also that the school won't be as supportive. In all my experience of schools, I've found this the most supportive. It doesn't mean the next won't be, but past experience tells me it is likely to not be.

If I knock this back, I worry about what that means though. Am I just being difficult? Will I frustrate the support I have to get out of here, to the point where I will feel the consequence of it? Shouldn't I just suck it up and be able to make this decision? They're questions going through my mind too.

I wish I could talk to the LF and ask what they thought @Teej. I am 99% sure it would be begging not to go. I haven't told them about any of the house stuff because I don't want them worrying or stressing. Uncertainty hurt them, so until we have a house and that's certain, my gut is telling me to keep it from them.

Far out I am rambling and all over the place. I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense. I'm going back to all the times shaky has happened and how it does settle, so it will settle again. It has to asap so it will. That call came as the school bell went and things never go smoothly when that happens. One day I will learn to turn my phone off for the day before 3.

Once they're fed and in bed I might have had a chance to settle be able to think a bit better. I'll come back to whatever the heck I've just written then. There's likely to be something that stands out in it, that maybe I just can't see right now. It's helped to throw this out there, I'm almost sure of that.

Thank you for listening and for being there again @Teej and @Faith-and-Hope, and for your wise words, and for being calm when I am not feeling it.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

We are here for each other in that capacity @CheerBear ......

I hear you about being okay if the LF are okay ..... and I sense you know what your decision will be, but I also hear the fear of being judged in there and consequences to that ..... I want you to know that I see a mother who is strong and responsible in her commitment to her children, and that is why you were chasing so hard after better housing in the first place, but now you are being asked to choose between one need and another, which is just as pertinent ......

You can do this .... and yes, it means stepping up to the fear, recognising that fear itself can't hurt you, and making the decision that beat benefits your family.

Multiple choice tests have a right answer, and an almost right answer amongst the (usually) four choices given for each question ..... and you eliminate the obviously wrong one, and the also wrong one .... then have to work out which is the right one from the almost right one ..... the hard part here is that you actually need both. Times like this reflect that example, but you need to trust that the secondary choice will come up again anyway, and this time you will be free to choose it because it is the right one amongst the new set of multiple choices .....

Does that make sense ? Does it help ?

These are just my observations, so please don't feel you have to answer to them.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I was going to say something similar to @Faith-and-Hope. I think you know the right decision for you too. All you can do is make the best decision you can for you based on now. No one knows the future.
I hope you can settle with your decision. I understand much of what you wrote and it makes total sense to me. Best wishes with this. Once you've made the decision it's back to just a day at a time again. It's in a box. You've been doing it so well with all that keeps getting thrown at you. 💜🤗💐

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I agree ... ❣️

@CheerBear @Teej

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear, That is a super tough decision that you are being asked to make - especially with so little time to reflect on it. I have no idea what the right course of action is...but on the other hand, I know that either course of action will be right because it will be based on a decision made by a committed loving mum who only wants what is best for her children. No decision grounded in love can ever be the wrong decision. Depending on what you decide, I wonder if this is one of those times when it might be helpful to write a letter to your future grownup fish, explaining to them why you made the choice that you did.

I think I and the pocket crew will snuggle into your pocket tonight so that you can know that you aren't alone in your muddle.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

On my way to sleep but wanting to come past and say that I am ok and have had a bit of a think about this now.

I did a decision matrix, questioned my fears vs truths (you're are awesome @Faith-and-Hope), had a think about the factors that impact my mh (you too @Teej), had a think about what contributes to the wellbeing of our family as a whole, and had a think about making a decision out of love and commitment (and you @Phoenix_Rising).

You're so right in thinking about MH stuff @Teej. Thinking about it from a MH angle helped. Housing absolutely substantially impacts my MH. What counters it at the moment, is the support I have including the community stuff I/we have been doing. It helps me hugely to know that between 9-3 M-F, those kids are safe, nutured, protected, loved, encouraged in so many ways, and supported. I am ok when they are ok. We can't risk losing any of that right now.

We lost a lot, all of us. They lost so many people. It is not ok that it happened, but it did and as painful as it's been we have been working on getting it back for them. It's been on shaky ground, I know that, but I don't know what else I could have done.

It is not ok that now we stand to lose it all again, and it isn't ok to have to start again from here either. It isn't an option that I want to think about for us. As annoying or difficult as that might be, I know what's important for us and that is to keep giving my LF the best chance they can have of getting all that good stuff they get now at school, and continuing to regain their sense of belonging.

Saying no to this house is probably saying no to social housing because it is so hard to come by. But it isn't saying no to all housing and there will be something that will come up. I am expecting that making this decision is going to frustrate my CM, but any other decision feels like it will add more to than it would take from the muddle.

This does hurt and it sucks a lot. It brings up lots of stuff, causes stress, anxiety, worry, disappointment, second guessing myself, frustration, anger... but it is all stuff I have dealt with lots before. I've done my very best to listen to my feelings and thinking parts and that's about as much as I can do tonight I think.

Thank you for saying the things you have all said about the LF and I. I really appreciate your support so much. Listening, encouraging and offering what you have has helped me make sense of stuff tonight. I will look at this post tomorrow and read it again before saying no thanks, with as much confidence as I think I can have considering it is such a big decision.

Going to try to put it in a box now and snuggle in a nest knowing there's a pocket crew here too. Given my ridiculously early start, I don't think sleep will be too much of a problem now.

Hope you sleep well too 🙂

Good night

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear ....

I know we are all individuals within our painful situations, however there is something more I would like to share with you that works together with what you are already saying .....

My WH was a workaholic. He was with me in the parenting in spirit, but not in person. I discussed with him the major choices as we went along, but there are parents of my children's school friends who never met him. I even had neighbours for several years at one stage who hadn't realised I was married .... they never once saw WH or his car. That was in the days before mobile phones and notebook computers, so he was home usually well after midnight, and gone again in the early morning.

The children's school was my other parent, especially as there was a values gulf and a constant undermining of my parenting choices. Through what they learned at school I had my decisions respected and boundaries upheld ..... they learned there that I was right to instill a bedtime, and that party food was not for every day, that there are 10tspns of sugar in a can of soft drink ..... mum wasn't lying to them to spoil anybody's fun and keep the kids from having treats.... through school they learned what "normal" was and that even by taking away most of it, they were still receiving far more treats that the other kids around them.

School taught them time management and organisation along the same lines as I was teaching them at home, which provided stability when my parental authority was being challenged by the adults around us, instead of upheld. My kids needed a broader socialisation than they would have had otherwise, and a sense of belonging beyond family ties. For my youngest, the school counsellor became part of our dynamic as, by then, WH was behaviourally all over the place, and had taken over, in his altered state of mind, in challenging what had hitherto been our values and boundaries ..... not only by what he said but even more so by his behaviour.

I know that is all about me ..... because I don't want to tell you what to do in the decision you need to make, but I wanted you to know that I have had single-parent battles to wage even though I am, and was, technically married ..... and just how valuable the support of the right school was .... not perfectly, but overall.

💜

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thinking of you and feeling for you @CheerBear. I've been in the same position in the past and I totally empathise. Wishing you strength.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning in the nest 🙂

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope 💕 Your words speak to my heart. I appreciate you having shared what you have, heaps.

Thanks @eth too, for your understanding and empathy 💗

I slept well last night and have woken this morning knowing that I'm making this decision out of love, after listening to both my head and my heart but not letting either rule the conversation, and having carefully considered all options within the small time frame I had.

So importantly, is that this decision aligns with my values in so many ways. I believe our values are our centre and being made to live in way that isn't aligned with them, can throw us off balance. When I live in a way that is aligned with my values, I don't think I can go wrong. The school lives and breathes the values I have tried to base my parenting and family raising on. Like you F&H, this is my other parent and for the first time in my parenting life, the other parent is working with me in such a big way and the outcomes of that for the LF is obvious to anyone who sees them.

As cheesey as this might sound, saying no to this house doesn't feel like a loss today, because what I have gained is a sense of clarity and certainty about what is important and what I am willing to fight for. That has to help with the fight ahead.

I'm feeling calm, confident, ready to take this on today and ready to keep working my way through the days ahead. Who even am I right now? 😛 😉

Hope today is ok for those reading this 🌈

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear if I was in your situation (I raised a legally blind child and have danced this dance more than once) I would tell public housing people I couldn't take the house for medical reasons and get a letter from the doctor or therapist supporting your decision to give to them. I know it's a drag dealing with burocracy and administrivia but they do have some leeway to negotiate IF they decide to use it. Even if you have to give them your decision today, ask for time to get the medical support documentation. Hoping you see this before you see them.

In our case I got letters from both the doctor and the Guide Dogs Association. Perhaps you have a support organization you can also ask for a letter of support. You are entitled to special consideration as far as I see it.

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