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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear, my post went missing, how strange. You must have received it in email though. Ah well, the odd occasional glitches of the forum.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hey @Former-Member - how are you doing over there? ☕😘🍰

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear 💜
Feeling much the same.
Forced myself out today, well D talked me into it. Home suits me fine, but D wanted to go out.
Had lunch out and went shopping. 😮😨
Hard fighting the awful feelings 24/7.
Are you feeling any better?
Do you have contact with your parents?
Just wondering, because it's Father's day tomorrow.
My father isn't alive anymore.
Making soup, late dinner.
🌷🌺🌼🌹🌸🌻

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member something I find so hard is getting out for the sake of the LF when really all I want to do is stay at home. It often helps me feel better though I find it tiring. How are you feeling after going out? It's so hard fighting those feelings all the time.

I'm feeling weekend better, which I think is the time when I realise there's not much I can work on excpet trying to enjoy the weekend with the LF, who ooze energy and emotions so it has its ups and downs and wonkies. But it feels better than the on my own, mega giant pressure wonkies I think. I'm struggling but like you, still going.

I'm sorry to hear your dad isn't around. How are you feeling about tomorrow?

My dad is around, but I won't see him tomorrow. I'll call him though. The littles have been feeling all kinds of things throughout the week, so it seems really important that it will be a day for them tomorrow. I worked my butt off today to get as much done as I needed to so we can do what we want tomorrow and manage whatever might come up. We're going out on an adventure. I'm feeling all kinds of mixed up things, mostly thinking how much I wish it was different for them.

Silly days like this one can definitely bring up all sorts of stuff for lots of people. Hugs and love for you 💗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I feel like I accomplished something by going out @CheerBear
I hate that I'm finding it very hard to hide how I feel to D.
I wake every morning really cranky. Today was worse. I'm wondering if it's the sleep meds I take at night. Made shopping difficult, that's for sure.
Such a bummer.
Hate not sleeping though.
The meds help me sleep until approx 4am most mornings. Sometimes they don't work.

Hmm! Father's day. I try not to think of my dad. Sounds awful, but I can't think about him without getting upset, so I try and think about something else.

I hope your adventure will be fun for you all tomorrow .
Not sure what we'll do.
Must be pretty crappy that my D has to put up with me being so tired all the time.
We used to go out more.
Hope that can happen again soon. It gets boring staying home all the time.
Bit scared to "try again", after falling down so bad after my last attempt at going to yoga, art class etc.
If it weren't for D I wouldn't bother trying at all.

I finally conquered the anxiety and made an appointment to get my hair cut and foiled next week.
Why do I get anxious making appointments? I have no idea. 😮😂

I can imagine how you must be feeling about tomorrow and your LF. You sound like a great mummy and I think you'll do a fantastic job at making the day nice and fun for your LF tomorrow. 💜💕👍


In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member - when I was at the break place I met such a beautiful person who had a D, and her and your D remind me of them. She was struggling so much worrying about the effect of her mental health on her daughter. Going away to the break place made my MH stuff become obvious to my LF too, so her and I spent a lot of time talking about our worries with our kids and what it might mean for them. We came to the conclusion, probably helped a lot by support from here, that maybe it isn't the worst thing to not be able to 'hide' it all from them all the time (I'm laughing at myself here, realising I need to remember this more often too). At your D's age, I think if she saw you not hiding it, you're showing her that it's ok to take care of yourself when you're not feeling well. I hope my kids learn that lesson - that it's so important to take care of themselves, and support others to do the same. Bad stuff happens and you're showing D that you can survive it.

Now I am really having a bit of a laugh, because I so completely understand how much we might be able to 'think' like that, but 'feeling' it can be totally different. So I'll also add that, yep, it totally sucks to feel like your stuff is apparent to your kids and is so hard worrying about that. It is just all kinds of crappy feeling stuff, sorry 😞

Sleep stuff also sucks, and I know it's a big stuggle of yours. I'm med free now, aside from the other night, because I can't tolerate the yuck side effects. It comes at the cost of really dodgy sleep often though. I imagine you've tried so many things to help, and it's probably really frustrating that little seems to work well or without other problems 😞

As for feeling scared after your crash the other week, I think one of the things it seems might be important is the little step thing. I suck at this one but I hear it helps 😉 You tried, and it didn't work out that well this time, but that doesn't mean it can't be different next time when you're ready again.

I'm so excited for you about this haircut. Hair is one of my big 'things' so getting something done to it is very exciting. I hope it feels good to have it done!

Thank you, and I hope our adventure will be something nice for them too.

Take care of you tomorrow Bella 💗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I guess it's because I've been so unwell since D was born, but I can't change the past, only the future. Well, I hope I can.
I've been wondering lately????
Feel like I've gone backwards.
Yes, a step at a time, slow steps.
🐌🐢
Trying to be a perfect mum doesn't work.
I think I try too hard, which leads to failure.
Must be Nighty night time for you @CheerBear 😴💟

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Nope we can't change the past @Former-Member. As for the future, I think MH stuff has a really unhelpful skill for making us question whether anything will ever change or be different (hi @CheerBear - you want to come back to these words sometime? :P). The reality is that things are always changing though, whether it feels like it or not. Every single second something is different inside us and all around us. The idea that none of us can know what the future holds, but we can fairly safely say that everything does always change, is sometimes the thing I hold on to, to help me stick around for the next second.

I don't think there's such a thing as a perfect mum Bella. I think trying to be perfect is pretty normal and pretty understandable though, but it has the potential to end up painful as I don't think it's a goal that can ever be reached. I have a feeling D has a pretry great mum. One who is doing so much for her, and one who is doing the best she can do for herself too.

My LF are still up watching a movie I put on later than I thought it was 😮 so not quite bed time yet. They're not far away and I will follow them. We were out from about 9:30 until after 4:00 with just a quick stop home to put some groceries away (usually we get a couple of stops home to refuel). Today was long and tiring so I am lookig forward to a shower and bed soon 👍

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I am going to bed now @Former-Member, big day again tomorrow. Nice to catch up with you tonight 😊

Nighty night 💗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Nighty night @CheerBear 😴💟
I hope your sleep will be refreshing.
I try to be a pretry great mum 😂😂
I think you probably are a great mum too.

Night night @Phoenix_Rising 🐢💜
I see you. 👀👋💟😙

Nighty night to all. 😴💗💟💜💕
@Mazarita @Teej etc..........
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