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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

And @Zoe7 💜 night night 😴👋👍
I noticed you popped by yesterday. 😙

Night night @Faith-and-Hope
Thinking of you. 😙💗💟👋

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Goodnight @Former-Member ..... 😴💕

..... and thank you .... 💐💜🌿

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member That must have been some other sea turtle you saw last night because I am working really hard at staying off the forums. I wasn't here...just like I'm not here now.

I know today is going to be a tough day for many forumites. I hope everyone in the nest has as good a day as they can.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Yes, must be another sea turtle 🐢hanging around @Phoenix_Rising 😂💜

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Night night @CheerBear and everyone 😴💜💕
I'm glad that you had fun with your LF today.
My day was ok, nothing exciting.
Pushed myself out for a big walk at the beach.
That was nice. Super windy.
Followed by a huge argument with D's dad 😮😣😨
Forgot to have dinner. Now I'm hungry 😂
Too late.
Hope we all sleep ok and start the week in a good way. 😊
I might be on here for a bit longer.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Former-Member 💗💕

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @Former-Member , I super hope this week is a brighter week for you. I love walking along the beach, it always feels like it clears my mind.

Good morning @CheerBear, Happy yoga day.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Phoenix_Rising 💜👋 and everyone. 💕

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

It's Monday morning and with the start of the working week, I'm feeling the full force of anxiety this morning. It's nausea that sends me racing to the bathroom wanting to throw up food that isn't there. My shoulders and the base of my neck are stiff and sore and my chest feels tight. I know I can breathe but it doesn't feel like I can. I have the shakes - the ones that feel like I've gone beyond my caffeine limit for the day or that I am freezing cold, but neither of those are true.

I know I have to pull a house out of a hat soon. I know I'll have to face what's happening with my body again soon too. I am aware of the date every day now as I remember all that happened in the lead up to the big bang. I can't stop thinking about it and it's driving me bananas.

It feels like the start of each week is harder to face than the last. I have little in my calendar to worry about this week, but that hasn't made things feel better. Instead of feeling like I have big hurdles to overcome, I feel like I'm stuck in limbo, scrambling to find something that will unstick me but isn't there, waiting and preparing myself for the next thing to come along and knock me further down.

I wrote him a letter last night, after a few hours of managing all kinds of feelings yesterday brought up. In it I said that I didn't think I hated anyone, but yesterday I really questioned it. I really hate that instead of living, I am consumed with working out what can be fixed, how to fix it, and how to let the unfixable go. I hate that it inteferes with my ability to really enjoy what is perfect that is right in front of me every day, and I hate that what was right in front of him wasn't enough to stop it.

I want to shut the world out and not be part of it anymore. I'd love to turn off my phone, close the doors, shut the blinds and just sit still, but I can't. I have to find a balance of doing as much as I can to fix things but not more than I can tolerate, which is so hard because my ability to tolerate much of any of it is so minimal now and becoming less with each day. This part of it all is so frustrating. I'm throwing whatever I can think of at this mess, and it's getting worse not better. Sitting still won't get a house, but one look at an application and I sink into my default 'give up'. How am I going to do any of this? 😞

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@CheerBear I am here but not. How are you going to do any of it? One tinsy tiny baby step at a time with me, Squishy, Mr Seahorse and Dr Havetodo sitting right beside you. We can sit on your desk and help you figure out the answers for application forms - one tiny answer on one form at a time. It is so so hard, especially when you feel you are going backwards. It super sucks that sometimes we have to go backwards in order to go forwards. However, whether you are backwards or forwards or stuck or upside down I will be right here with you. You can do this.
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