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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good evening @CheerBear, I am wondering how your day has been. I super love that you have kept Dr Havetodo in the ziplock bag to remind yourself that some dreams come true. I super hope you are feeling ok right now. I am feeling better than I was yesterday because I'm so overloaded my brain has shut down. I figure I will probably need to sit with this until I can work through the muddle with M on Tuesday. I am so very VERY grateful that she is there.

I will snuggle in your pocket tonight...while simultaneously snuggling in the underwater cave. I wonder where our books are now. This day ends in 3.5 hours (in my part of the country). It must be so awful having a bad day on Venus. Hooray for not living on Venus.

@Former-Member How has your day been? Did you know that a day on Venus is the equivalent of 5832 Earth hours? Imagine waiting for THAT day to end! Thank goodness we get to start a brand new day every 24 hours.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Thanks for thinking of me @Phoenix_Rising 💜💕
Things are much the same here.
Nighty night to you @CheerBear and everyone
😴👋💟

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I noticed your post on the other thread @Teej 💜💟💗
It's always nice to "see" you. 💟🌹🌼
Sorry I haven't been saying much lately.
Feeling like it's all hopeless and I don't want to bring anyone down.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

@Phoenix_Rising - this is a bit of a not-post because words are tricky at the moment. What you say about your brain being overloaded so much that it goes into protect itself mode, seems to make sense for me at the moment. This one has really hurt me. Even though I prepared myself for it, I can't stop the hurt. Yesterday was one of those days that from the outside would have looked perfect, but on the inside was so so different. My LF shone and were so happy. It's like living two lives. I don't know how to make it better on the inside and I'm tired of trying now. I am keeping on keeping on though. I just wanted you to know that part too. I hope your volunteering gig and violin adventure are good for you today.

@Former-Member 👋 😘☕🐛🐜🐌🐞🍰💗

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Same @CheerBear 💟💗💜💛💚💙 ☕
It's tough, I know. 😢
Bug hugs 😙🐞🐝🐜🐛🐌

💜💚💛💙💗💟 @Phoenix_Rising ☕

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Good morning @CheerBear and @Former-Member,

This is a not-post because I am about to head out for the day. I just wanted to let you both know that I hear how superly duperly amazingly and unbelievably hard everything is right now. I feel it too. Everything is hard right now...but right now isn't forever. We just need to bunker down and ride the waves. We can do this. We've got this.

@CheerBear I trust that I will be safely in your pocket/handbag today. I am right here - but not.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

🐢👋💚💛💙 @Phoenix_Rising

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Poking my head up from under the big pile of cushions and blankets I seem to have wanted to bury myself in over the last couple of days.

I've had some pretty full on hits of feeling very not ok. I tried to look into some of the housing stuff and sunk deeper into feeling like there's absolutely no point in trying because nothing good will come of trying and the effort it takes to try in the first place is just too much anyway. I think I messed up with my CM by telling her it was too hard for me to try any more and then not getting back to a message she sent about working stuff out. It was a reaction to being told about not getting the house, and I'm usually pretty good at not reacting outwardly (though it stays stuck inside me). I hope next week I will be able to work it out because she's the main support I have with the housing mess and I kind of can't afford to react when I so badly need a house. I feel/felt so lost and hopeless and so, so sad.

Today I had a visit from someone from the old life. Aside from a few family members, there is only one old life person who has been here in the new life, and today I let a second one in. I so bady wish that I could have been in a place today that was stronger, together, better, moving on with life, having the past behind me etc., but I wasn't and couldn't today. Instead we sat with a cup of tea and had a cry together. I hate thinking of the difference in myself between the last time we shared a tea and now, but I am hurting and sucking it up doesn't fix it all the time. I feel kind of raw now but maybe it helped to be honest.

It's been sunny in parts so I pushed myself up and out to look at the garden and found some new pretties to appreciate. You inspired this @Teej. I found these:

There are more daffodils poking up around the place now, and whatever that pink flower is, it smells beautiful. I'm really glad I had this moment. I felt better looking at them so I picked up a couple of little pots of flowers to put around the plants I have in pots that are trying their hardest to also survive what was a hard winter. They're now a little burst of colour for some days that are pretty dark at the moment.

I need something to change soon. I entertained the idea of taking a break again and even if it was a fleeting moment of thinking about maybe needing some time out, it was there, so obviously stuff is bubbling away enough for me to be thinking that I can't keep going in this direction for too long. I think it's a good thing to be thinking about what I can do to stop myself from going too much further down, especially considering my hunt for a magical "fix it, it didn't happen" button hasn't been successful so far.

Thanks for reading to anyone who may have.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hiya @CheerBear. There has been so much I've wanted to post to you in the last few weeks but was being too busy running away from everything. I know what it's like to have one life one minute and then without anything you did have it gone in an instance. Although our situations are very different in every way it still affects me. It was today 6 years ago that the events unfolded for me but I didn't know until nearly a week later. In my Big Bang I lost some of the people I loved most dearly and whom were my life. My kids lost their life as they knew it in an instant but I was extremely fortunate that ours wasn't a case of physical safety but psychological safety. We were not the victims directly but more the collateral damage from our situation. The trauma I experienced wasn't the life fearing or direct trauma so I've not had any of the PTSD like so many here. Like you the school, was awesome at keeping an eye out and stepping in and helping out with my kids. I'm sure school was instrumental in my kids developing the resilience they did.

So 6 years on and there are some things I struggle with more and many things I don't give a second thought too. Some of this takes sooo much time, some changes quicker. Last Sunday I spent time with someone who I dearly loved (my old best friend) it was the first time in 6 years that we had just been ourselves and talked, but more important it was the first time I didn't self destruct after catching up. I have often been a mess and SH after seeing her. I still visit the old community (for my kids) that I was a big part of but no longer face many people and stick to myself but this year I have taken many more steps forward than back with this.

This is not to say that you will take anywhere near as long as me to create a new life and find a place for your old one.......I'm pretty much at the very slow end of the spectrum for this. But I wanted to say that things do change and you will move forward. I see your dogged determination and you keep getting back up and doing the hard yards. If you need a break take it, there are so many advantages of doing that.

I'm so sorry the house didn't come through but one will at some point. Sometimes too the one that comes up is not what you wanted or hoped for but ends up being perfect......my house is case in point for this. I was so scared and hated it when I moved in. Everything was wrong and I was living in an area that I was scared of living in. I was petrified the few few weeks. I wouldn't change living here at all now. I have good neighbours and this house has served my family well. It feels like home. There have ended up being way more positives than negatives. The hardest part for me is that I may have to move out next year but I'm burying my head in the sand over that for now.

I know that times are incredibly tough in every way just now. My experiences have been once you get that little bit of stability and predictability it helps enormously. Hang in there....You've got this girl!!!!

PS can't wait for your pretties.

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

ohh I love your pretties @CheerBear

Hello @Teej

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