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I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.
In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.
Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.
I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.
Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.
Oh 😖@CheerBear Re the house. I am sorry and frustrated for you too. Here with you.
Sending you some of my pretties that cheer me up hoping they will help soften the blow for you.
PS the cyclamen was a Mother's Day present from youngest the first year I was a single mum. It's been spectacular this year.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thank you for sharing your pretties with me Teej. They're so beautiful and I so appreciate getting to see them. I'm feeling the huge weight of the single parent thing and the big pressure that comes with it tonight. I think you might get what that feels like.
So sad tonight 😔
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Shaz51Senior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
your pretties are sooo beautiful @Teej xxx
sending you some hugs @CheerBear
In response to: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear, I feel super super sad for you that you didn't get the house. It totally sucks. I remember you saying that there were both good and bad things about the house and I would like to think that there is a house out there that has even more good things and less bad things than this one. But I know that doesn't help the giant sad feelings today. It's not fair that you try so super hard and yet get knocked down like this. It super super super sucks.
Would you like me to sleep in your pocket tonight? I think I would like that. Today has been a horribly wonky day. @CheerBear today we need to just be. We can get up and try again tomorrow. I'm super glad we don't live on Venus.
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
I'm big time drowning in sad @Phoenix_Rising. There was not-so-ideal about that place but it wasn't anywhere the bad as this and the good so far outweighed the not so good. It took so much for me to do that application that day. It was the day c-link cancelled on me and I didn't want to even think about it. I don't know why I bothered.
Phoenix_rising, I don't know how to keep on keeping on with nothing changing and things just kind of getting worse. It's nearly been a year now. I'm so scared of getting to a year and not having moved even a tiny bit in the direction that I wanted to go. I don't want the calendar to tell me that I have been smashed and broken and shattered becauae if this for a whole year with no sign that it will stop. I need something to change and I need it soon, and there's not a single thing more I can think of doing to make it change.
I was so silly to think that I would only need a few days and it would all be ok. I feel ridiculous when I think about it.
This house, it was just a house. I didn't expect to get it so I feel so silly that this has hit me like this and can't work out why it hurts so much tonight. I want to be able to withstand the knock downs more than I can now. I realky so badly want to, but I just can't seem to and the more they happen, the harder hitting they feel. It just really big time hurts with each one now. I miss the old life a lot. My LF and I deserved better than this.
I'm sorry for a big heart pour post. Especially after your very hard day and especially when a simple yes please sleep in my pocket tonight, would have done. I'm going to press post and know there's nothing you can say to make it better and you know that too, and just knowing I am not alone tonight will be enough tonight.
Thank you for sleeping in my pocket.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear, yep, there is nothing I can say to make it better and there's nothing you can say to make my muddle of today better...so we will just sit and be and know that everything super super super sucks right now. It feels scary and hopeless and like nothing will ever come right no matter how hard we try. It sucks and it's horrible and it's not fair. Lots and lots and lots of big feelings. We will just sit in the mud together tonight. Tomorrow we can try again.
I know the first anniversary of the big bang is going to be super super super tough for you @CheerBear, but we will get through it together.
Good night @CheerBear.
In response to: Re: I'm in a nest
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
@CheerBear I wanted to say be gentle on you. You have a massive amount to deal with. I totally understand you hurting big time over this house. It wasn't just a house it was a chance for you to feel safer, a chance for you to start again.....a new beginning. There is a lot of pressure being a single mum. I often dislike it a lot. You have the very heavy extra weight of keeping you and your kids safe in a way that many single mums don't have to experience. The pressure and being constantly hyper vigil from this is very real and very exhausting. I know a year seems a long time and you have come a long way but I totally understand that you are not where you want to be and how that feels (I have gone through these feelings often). It's so totally ok to feel angry and frustrated and sad and overwhelmed with all life has thrown at you. You didn't deserve any of it. Keep being you @CheerBear, you will get through this and there will be a much better life for you again. In the meantime I'm sitting here with you snuggling under lots of cozy comfort things riding it out with you too.
Sending hugs for strength, getting through crappy emotions and all the unfair stuff. 🤗💜💐
In response to: I'm in a nest
CheerBearSenior Contributor
Re: I'm in a nest
Thank you both for being you and for being here @Phoenix_Rising and @Teej. Your words mean a lot to me and make a difference.
I'm going to try and sleep some of it away. Huge big thank you again.
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