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Something’s not right

I'm in a nest

I'm in a nest

I'm making a nest because I'm not feeling very ok and I would like to have a place to retreat to while I ride it out. Everything is chaotic all around and inside me almost all of the time, and I need some time out from it. If I make a nest here I can carry it in my pocket and know it's there for me.

In this nest it's very cosy. There's lots of soft pillows and blankets. Some are made with bright colours, mostly greens, pinks and yellows, and some are made in much deeper shades of purples. The nest is egg shaped so it can be climbed into it but still be a hiding out place. There's lots of fairy lights strung around the nest. They're different shapes and some are warm yellow, some are cool white and some are multi-coloured. They can be adjusted to vary the amount and type of light inside. There's also music which can sometimes be heard throughout the whole nest and sometimes it's playing from the headphones that are always kept on the pile of cushions. There's a lava lamp as well, and squishy glitter balls to squeeze and roll in hands. There are an endless supply of soft creatures to hold or sit with. There's always flowers in the corner and this morning they are gerberas standing tall and proud, on a little wooden table. Next to the vase is a teapot, colourful and quirky, with a collection of teacups and mugs.

Right now I am sitting in a pile of cushions very still with my knees to my chest, my head on my knees and my arms wrapped around my legs. There's no music at the moment so it is very quiet. Only a couple of strings of lights are turned on and they're twinkling yellow balls, so it's very dark but there's still some light inside. I have a soft blanket around me. It's peaceful in here.

I have to sit here until I can work out what to do next. I'm surrounded by people but I don't remember feeling so alone. I feel scared of making any move right now because I don't know what the right move is, and I don't trust any direction. I'm hoping that if I can hold out like this for just a little bit longer I will know what to do.

Right now I don't want to talk but I don't want to feel so alone either, so I'm asking for someone to please come and sit quietly next to me until I can move from my ball or I am made to move from it. I don't know when that will be, but I know I can't stay like this forever.

5090 replies

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In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Former-Member ...... 🤗💐💕

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

hi @Former-Member and everyone

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I don't understand either @Former-Member and it does suck a lot.

As for the photo, I can imagine how hard that would have been to come across. I think it's probably pretty expected that things will trigger, even a long time after something like that. Avoidance is one of my middle names, for that very reason. With healing, I guess it shows that maybe some things just never go away and it's about hoping with time, they'll be easier to live with. Sounds like such a cop out sometimes though. Really, I wish we could all just have a 'push and it didn't happen' button sometimes.

Kind of similar but not, the reason I was avoiding tidying my desk is that a few weeks ago I came across a bag that had an invisible 'danger - do not open' sign on it. I threw it under a pile of stuff on my desk and have been sort of just putting things on top of it hoping it might disappear. It was a bag that I packed on the last day I was at 'work' (not work but work) with all my stuff in it. When the big bang happened, I called work to tell them I couldn't come in that day. I ended up there anyway, in the afternoon but as a client. Right there, in the same office alongside people I had worked with (different department but still worked closely together), but sitting on the other side of the desk. I told my supervisor that I would just need a few days off and it would all be ok. I worked with the other team for a few days and on the last day I cleared my desk but still said that I'd just need a couple of weeks off and it would all be ok. It's coming up to a year now and it's not ok and I can't ever go back.

Funnily, I cleared my desk so I could laminate some cards to help with triggers and flashbacks. It was good practice at least 😉

Well that was another ramble. Hope you don't mind hearing that. I guess I'm sharing to say I get how much certain things can be really tricky to work through and maybe there is no answer other than to do what you need to get through.

With that I am grabbing some cake and am off to pick up the LF. Take care this afternoon and hopefully catch you later 😘

In response to: Re: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi nest dwellers,

I had planned to spend a bit of time today catching up with everybody after my weekend of not being in Forum Land (and yet somehow still being here ). But alas, the day fell apart before 9am. So...I want you to know that I have been reading along, but I am sort-of lacking the energy to write much.

@Former-Member I know you are having a super tough time at the moment...and that "the moment" is going on for far too long.

@CheerBear I SUPER like the idea of reading through the DBT manual with you and others here in Forum Land. Can you let me know exactly which one you have? I have the original one (Linehan, 1993) and I know there is a new one out. I had been thinking of buying it anyway so it would be cool to get it if that is the one you have.

Hi @Teej it is super nice to see you back here in the nest.

Hi also to @outlander and @Faith-and-Hope who I see are floating around.

Ok, well I'm going to keep on floundering around on the annoyingly stormy ocean. It will pass.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Phoenix_Rising 🙂 It's nice to see you out and about. You're a pretty awesome swimmer, even if it feels like floundering sometimes.

The manual I can get is 2014. I just downloaded the 190 pages of handouts! Sheesh this thing would take some reading. I haven't actually got a copy of the manual yet, though that could happen whenever. I'd consider purchasing it if I liked it as I can see the use in being able to refer to in lots of different situations over the coming years. Even with my LF in LF appropriate ways I think. I try to pass on some of my tricks to them and can see it helping sometimes. Puffer fish now has a 'magic trick' where they can make their brain think clearer by taking some big breaths and pushing the air from their chest right down until it hits their toes, for example.

The quick flick I have had showed me that some of the handouts look very similar to the somewhat enormous collection of resources I seem to have accumulated over the years, so I'm wondering whether I may have been practicing some without necessarily knowing what they are. It could be handy to know what they are.

I'm in for sure 🙂

Better get back to them. Hope your yoga adventure is good tonight. Mine was so worth pushing myself to, as usual.

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Gosh! @CheerBear
That was a huge thing, to clean your desk. But, you did it. 👍💜💕
I can totally understand why you don't want to go back to the work place.
Thankyou for sharing and I'm glad you can share. I was feeling embarrassed for being negative again. But, I have no one to talk to. And I'm really hurting at the moment .
It sucks that everything has a memory and often it's a bad one. As much as I try and see the positive. How can anyone ignore a trauma that destroyed their life. I just hope I'm not damaged for life. I'm scared I'll never be ok again. But hopefully this :pile_of_poo: won't last forever.
Just got home. Had to go shopping. 😮😣😨
Last minute exam stuff to be bought. Plus bought a watch for daughter. Wasn't in the mood for such decisions ,but life goes on regardless. I put my mask on and keep going.
I hope you are ok after going through the "stuff".
I better go and cook dinner.
Thanks for letting me share here.



Nice of you to say "hi" @Phoenix_Rising 💜💗
No need to say much. I know you find life tough also. It really sucks for us all. 😢

☕🍰🍵🍩

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

I can hear how much you're hurting at the moment @Former-Member, and I know you don't have many people to talk to out there in the non-virtual ocean. I am glad our paths have crossed and we're able to chat and share. I enjoy getting to know you and hearing how you're getting on, even if it isn't always sunshiney. Obviously I'm not happy you're feeling not great. Grrr words not working and I'm being a turkey now!

Can't believe it is exam time already - the year seems to have disappeared here. Hoping your daughter finds this stressful time, not too stressful.

I'd love to go back. It was a dream position and one I'd worked for years to get to. It would have opened up so many opportunities. I can't go back because it is somewhere I can't go anymore 😞 . I don't even think I'd mind the idea that the last time I was there everyone saw me in spectacularly gross snotty big tears meltdown mode 😉 They knew what had happened, it couldn't be hidden, and were nothing but supportive and sad with me. I don't want to think about going back to it somewhere else, even though I only need a few more months experience and I'd be off on my way. I suppose I am still in huge grief, loss and change mode.

It kind of sounds like you're in the same mode as well, when you mention trauma destroying your life. It is hard to move on, even when there are positives. I hope so much I am not damaged forever and that it won't last forever too.

Bug hugs x

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @CheerBear @Zoe7 @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Phoenix_Rising @Teej l haven't been around as I ran out of credit and couldn't get any until today @CheerBear have you heard anything on the other house you applied for

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Bug hugs to you too @CheerBear 💜
🐞🐝🐛🐜🐌
Trying to get to bed early.
I hope you sleep well. 😴
Chamomile, honey and vanilla tea for you. 🍵
Nighty night.
🌹🌼🌹🌼🌹🌼🌹🌼🌹🌼🌹

Nighty night everyone 😴💟

In response to: I'm in a nest

Re: I'm in a nest

Hi @Pepsimax 🙂 Nice to hear from you. I haven't heard anything about the house, which I am guessing means it is likely it didn't come through for us. I'm trying not to get too down about it at the moment though. My CM said it could take a week to know, but I think you find out pretty quickly if your application was accepted. I'll post if I hear anything though. Thank you for asking and for coming past. I hope you're well.

Thanks for the tea @Former-Member. I've just made a pot of lemon and ginger tea too and am hoping for an early night also. Hope you sleep well tonight.
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